The other day I shared my love of Richard Bey. Today I share my love of plushies and furries--and no, I am not a plushy or furry--but this MTV special is one of the greatest things to ever air on the old television. Things to watch for: The confused mother who desperately tries to understand her son's "lifestyle" choice; the careful attention to detail in the costumes; the utter sadness/happiness of finding others who also share the furry/plushy value system.
One random thought. I did my cursory survey for black and brown folk in these videos and thankfully found none. But not to hate, I am sure there is an Asian brother somewhere in this video because many folks be into such things.
Clip 1:
Clip 2:
Clip 3:
Now, in the interest of openness and transparency I have to ask myself, Who would I be if I were a furry? Upon reflection, I think my top choices would be Chewbacca, a Snork, or Ookla the Mok. These characters would most certainly capture my inner beast.
Grrr I am a bear. Just had to say it:
Other questions to ponder:
1. What is the formative furry experience? Was it a childhood trauma? Or was it a childhood love affair with a teddy bear or other stuffed animal a la Stewie and Rupert on Family Guy?
2. How many children staying at the hotel during the convention will forever remember this weekend as the one during which they were traumatized by the site of furries getting it on in the elevator?
3. Isn't it damn hot in those suits? Wouldn't that inhibit the lovemaking?
4. Is there an equivalent group to PFLAG? Is there a Parents and Friends of Plushies and Furries support group out there?
5. If one were to be a respectable negro plushy or furry, what character should one choose to be?
6. And the biggest question of them all: who would win if the furries were to compete against the Klingons in a bowling tournament?
On a day that is heavy with the tragic news of terrorist attacks in India, we all need a good laugh. Random thought: in looking at the still photos of some of the terrorists that have been shown on CNN, am I the only one who thought some of them looked European? There were rumors of Al-Qaeda spreading to the caucuses, could these terrorists include volunteers from Chechnya?
I am a connoisseur of trash television. Richard Bey, was one of the best television hosts of the 1990's. He was extremely smart, self-aware, and was "Maury Povich" before Maury Povich, that P.T. Barnum of fat babies and baby daddies, figured out his now winning formula for ever watchable daytime television. Richard Bey was also a bit crazy and paranoid as he would later argue that an elaborate conspiracy backed by the Clintons was responsible for the demise of his television show. If I get the money together one day, I will make a Confessions of a Dangerous Mind inspired docudrama about Richard Bey as he certainly deserves one.
Here are some choice clips.
The legendary Mr. Puniverse and Miss Thunderthighs competition:
I was used for sex! Damn, I wish someone would use me...over, and over, and over again:
Ohh, those long fingernails:
And those ginormous tig bitties (I love that phrase by the way):
Stanley Crouch is an odd figure. He is extremely intelligent, a talented wordsmith, and in many ways a free thinker. Oddly, Mr. Crouch's piece, "Where does Barack Obama stand on terrorism? X marks the spot" in the New York Daily News (populist, right wing, quasi-tabloid that it is) seems to distance himself from the relatively high standards of thought and reflection that Mr. Crouch has demonstrated in the past.
In essence, Malcolm X represents the losing side of history. For Mr. Crouch, Malcolm X represents all that is wrong with those "radicals" and "nationalists" who led a failed struggle for black "separatism." And rather than be the fruit of those struggles, Barack Obama's triumph is the living repudiation of a belief that America is not a shining beacon on the hill--a slightly less than perfect democracy.
Yes, I am all for ideological diversity as there isn't one orthodoxy of approved Black thought to which we must all be beholden. However, the one rubric that we should all follow is a commitment to ethical truth, to moral truth, and to intellectual truth. We respectable negroes take this as our shining beacon: we too sometimes do not achieve these lofty heights, but we must always strive for them. In fact, those readers who have been here from the beginning know that we attack ignorance and stupidity wherever (and from whomever) we may find it. This is why Mr. Crouch is the third recipient of the We Are Respectable Negroes Shit-huffing Award for Stupidity Above and Beyond the Call of Duty or Reason.
Mr. Crouch, in his analysis of Malcolm X and his role in America's--notice I said America and not exclusively Black America's--struggle to live up to its creed and promise of democracy has committed errors in interpretation and context.
On the first point, Malcolm X was a deeply reflective critic of White supremacy, but he was also amazingly astute in his understanding of the damage done to black Americans by racism:
Malcolm was not a hate espousing demagogue as Mr. Crouch and others want to cast him, he was a critic who challenged Black Americans to do for themselves, to achieve full rights as human beings, and to demand that our rights as full citizens be acknowledged by the State.
Mr. Crouch's error of context is a failure to understand that Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr., and by extension, the different approaches to Black liberation they embodied, were flip sides of the same coin. They complemented each other. They pushed each other forward. They as nationalists and radical humanists both represent the best part of the struggle for fully inclusive and expansive human rights in this country. They, Brother Martin and Brother Malcolm, were more alike than different...and in many ways they were both fierce patriots and iconoclasts in the best American tradition. Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. were not static figures. Rather, they were changing and dynamic. It is a failure to understand this range of thinking, reflection, and critical inquiry that underlies Mr. Crouch's deep misunderstanding of the historical context in which Malcolm X struggled.
Without Martin Luther King Jr. there would be no Barack Obama.
Without Malcolm X there would be no Barack Obama.
Malcolm X had a deep love for his people. He loved Black people even when many of them did not love themselves. Malcolm continued to love us even when some would rather see him dead:
This type of personal integrity, honor, and self-sacrifice is why so many of us, what Crouch basically calls, "out of touch academics" feel beholden to Malcolm X's legacy. Ultimately, Stanley Crouch has always tried to be the "special"one. Crouch has disdain for hip hop music and culture, he desperately yearns to be a gatekeeper for black arts and culture, and willingly takes unfashionable positions in order to get attention--a thrilling second of the limelight he "deserves" as a Black public intellectual.
I have had strong words for Mr. Crouch in the past. I have suggested that his visage would make for an ideal Halloween mask. I have even playfully joked that he looks like a Sambo crossed with Grimace from McDonald's. Today, Mr. Crouch is simply a shit-huffer--nothing more and nothing less.
Mr. Crouch, We Respectable Negroes congratulate you on this most auspicious achievement.
How will Battlestar Galactica end? I cannot wait until January to see how the best show on television marches into the night...
2 choice clips.
One: Adama's speech before the rescue on New Caprica--
Two: Adama's jump into New Caprica's atmosphere--
I vote this sequence one of the greats in science fiction television history. BSG's rescue on New Caprica storyline is so epic, that I would go far as to suggest that it is on par with Earth Force's assault on Babylon 5 during the Earth Civil War/Shadow War. Sorry, just geeking out...
The sentiment against Barack Obama's victory--the fear, angst, and hate--points to the permanency of racism in this country. These deep rooted and familiar sentiments are what some have called "the changing same" of American history and culture. While social and political circumstances may be radically altered, these constructs remain veritable bogeymen. They are heavy, dark shadows that cloud our society’s present vision and future possibilities. Ironically, we reference progress and change against these forces, while they simultaneously hang heavy over our efforts to move forward.
I struggle to find the words to explain this moment, or to give advice as I think about Obama's victory and its repercussions for our society. To use a metaphor, race and racism are sound, strong, and lasting houses that remain fixed as reference points which structure the lived realities of race in America. Some will shiver at this statement, but I have always (and will) continue to say that race, as both a reality and fiction, is perpetuated as much because it has meaning for White Americans, as for how it offers a deep and striking familiarity and comfort for people of color.
I also suggest that in the moment of Barack Obama's presidency, we as young race men and young race women must broaden the lens that we use to critically engage the world. For better or for worse, we cannot exclusively appeal to a logic of exclusion: the fact that a Black man is now president will defuse explanations that seek to make sense of the limitations on our collective life chances by appealing to White racism. Sorry, those arguments will likely not work in the post-Obama moment. Notice, I did not say that White racism would no longer continue to affect our post November 4, 2008 world. Such a claim would be silly, asinine, thin, trite, and untrue. However, if the Black freedom struggle is a war, a battle, an encounter of position, we must acknowledge the shift in the battlefield that has occurred under our feet.
Young race men and young race women, as you grow intellectually, and as we all shift and broaden our awareness of what exactly this post-racial world means for us collectively, we must move beyond the given that Black Americans have a set of clear and obvious justice claims on American society generally, and on white Americans, in particular. We must ask ourselves, how do we respond to the "go to," in sports terms, the play of necessity, i.e. the hail Mary, or the rush down the middle when we are 4th and 1 on the goal line? In keeping with sports as a metaphor, in this moment a permanent claim to outsider status may not work, resonate, or score the points that we need to secure a win.
Ask yourself, how can Black Americans say that we are excluded from full citizenship when someone, a man who shares the color of our skin is president of these United States of America? Do not run from this question. Instead, run towards it because in working through an answer you will gain strength and clarity of mind and purpose.
You see, we young race men and young race women, those of us who reflect deeply on these questions, will always matter. Yes, this is a bold statement. Nevertheless, I argue, and am confident in the fact, that we will always be relevant. We are the conscience of those who suffer under the injustices of societies that are structured around racial inequality and racial dominance. We tell the truth when others do not want to hear it. We will always have a special burden to speak truth to power. We, those young race men and young race women who are true to the creed, will always bear the burden of this choice. The language and reference points that speak to our shared realities (in this moment, are they really in fact shared?) may have changed around us with Barack Obama's victory. However, we have a gifted insight. We have struggled towards a certain and particular awareness. This forward progress in our freedom struggle stands on the shoulders of our ancestors. We have little choice but to draw on them for strength.
Please, and do not for a moment, think that your insight does not still have purchase in this new world. The best of us are always a step ahead. Our role, in the face of the inevitable bigotry and hatred that Barack Obama will face, is to meet, and to neutralize, this hostility. We as young race men and young race women will not always be able to defuse this irrational anger and distrust. As history demonstrates, we will often be met by deaf ears. However, history also tells us that the grand narrative, the force of history—as made real by Barack Obama’s victory—is on our side. Our role is to intervene when America loses her way:
We are the miner's canary.
We have an obligation to shock American back to her senses when she loses her way, contrives unreasonable expectations, and places her first Black president in untenable situations.
We, you young race men and young race women, have never been more relevant. We have worked in the service of all peoples in these United States as a force for collective progress. Young race men and young race men, we must embrace this past, present, and future, as we move towards a “post-racial” America. To anticipate your objection: Yes, I would be lying if I stated that I believe that things are certain in this moment, or that our future is clear:
To us, the world made sense in a different way prior to November 4th. Now, the world still makes sense, just differently.
We must pursue this truth however problematic or difficult it may be. For young race men and young race women, this "new" America is our undiscovered country. The rules have changed, but the problem remains the same. The answer may have changed, but the question remains the same. Ultimately, we, you, and us, are in a unique position to solve the riddle offered by a post-racial present and future.
I am working on a post related to Obama and the "post-racial" moment for next week. Until then, here is one of my favorite Cornel West speeches. As a rule I can be hard on Black public intellectuals, but Brother West is straight fire on this one. Truly, on top of his game.
One more, this time a discussion of the internalized White supremacy common to many people of color, as well as the sickness that is racism in White America:
As one reviewer said, "witness the resurrection of Mickey Rourke"--I think he is right.
I know Gordon doesn't get professional wrestling, but I am marking out for this film. Ghetto nerds everywhere are going to be at the Wrestler when it opens nationwide. Watching the trailer (over and over), I am trying to count how many folks Mickey Rourke is channeling. I see Steve (Hollywood blond era) Austin, Terry Funk, Jake Roberts, and the Freebirds. Who else am I missing?
A sign of the permanency of race in the age of Obama is a fear, one that is alive and well, that the bad behavior of one will be ascribed as an attribute of the group. Speaking to this point I must ask, Lord, God above, why oh why do they have to be black?
Maybe, just one day, I won't have to ask this question or hold this fear...
I hear a buzzing in my ear and my fingers are a flutter. I do have the vapors it seems. And you know what that means don't you? It is time once again for a We Are Respectable Negroes flashback!
This post from April of 2008 features one of my favorite people in the world, "the body collector" from Detroit, Michigan. His interview also features one of the greatest quotes of all time: "White people kill themselves, Black people kill each other, and Chinese people don't die."
The post follows:
Chauncey DeVega says: Help Our People! Violence at Black Funeral Homes on the Rise
I promised not to talk about black folks this week, but I am having a Bill Cosby moment.
They say you can tell alot about a society by how they treat their children, old people, and criminals. I would add one more category to this list--one can tell a great deal about a society by how they treat their dead.
I love a good story about funerals or funeral homes (Yes, I am a bit twisted, I know this and admit it). There is a certain pornography of death at play in these spaces, and this is especially true of funerals in the black community. At funerals for black folk I have seen photos of the body taken, video recordings made, and professional funeral attendees (well probably semi-professional actually) who make going to funerals and crying a second job. Apparently, anthropologists have argued that this is an Africanism that continues in Black America where these professional criers are said to help with the grieving process. One can also hypothesize that documenting the death ritual made sense given how geographically dispersed black folk have been during our 2 great migrations--it makes sense but that don't make it any less creepy. And of course we hold funerals for the "n-word" and for the media's "negative depictions" of black people. We love funerals it seems.
I have also seen fights at funerals and bodies pulled out of caskets when the dozen or so baby mamas show up to mourn "their" man. But, nothing tops the following story for absolute shame and embarrassment. On the anniversary of King's death can't we do better?
Apparently, The Wall Street Journal has found space in its esteemed pages to cover the rising tide of violence at black funerals. It seems folks are getting shot at, armed guards are being hired, and general mayhem is on the rise. Apparently, some knuckleheads are inspired by the funeral drive by in the movie Colors. To quote the article, "funeral homes used to be the most respected places you could walk into beside the church," says Jeff Gardner, a co-owner of A.D. Porter & Sons in Louisville, Ky., and a third-generation undertaker. "Nobody respects life and the young folks nowadays don't mind dying." Maybe the ign'ts can stop wearing their white-tee's, maybe they can't help but man-share, and they can't help but love minstrel-hop, but can folks at least respect the dead? I wonder if Blacktown.net has anything to say about this?
Ooh well, it was worth a try.
I have a habit of bookmarking tragic, odd, and ridiculous stories, thus the impetus for this blog. From my personal collection, here are some other great funeral home related entries:
2. Colonial funeral home in Hamden, CT is now using billboards to advertise its services. More interestingly, the owner of the funeral home, in a dispute with a client's family, threw the ashes of the deceased at the plaintiffs during a court hearing. Don't let this dissuade you from using their services because the owner is cool people (I know him quite well).
3. From The Village Voice, "A Harlem funeral home has been sued for losing bodies and filching corpses from nearby hospitals. Now it must answer charges that a dead man's body was chewed up by rats." Enough said, check out the article here.
So, according to Salon.com, Michelle Obama has a "donkey booty," some "thickness," some "sweet cheeks," "a phatty," "a badunkadunk," some "booty meat," a nice, big, sexy, powerful butt. Hmmm....
First lady got back
I'm a black woman who never thought I'd see a powerful, beautiful female with a body like mine in the White House. Then I saw Michelle Obama -- and her booty!
By Erin Aubry Kaplan
Nov. 18, 2008 | Free at last. I never thought that I -- a black girl who came of age in the utterly anticlimactic aftermath of the civil rights movement -- would say the phrase with any real sincerity in my lifetime. But ever since Nov. 4, I've been shouting it from every rooftop. I'm not excited for the most obvious reason. Yes, Obama's win was an extraordinary breakthrough and a huge relief, but I don't subscribe to the notion that his capturing the White House represents the end of American racial history. Far from it. There is a certain freedom in the moment -- as in, we are all now free from wondering when or if we'll ever get a black president. Congratulations to all of us for being around to settle the question.
But what really thrills me, what really feels liberating in a very personal way, is the official new prominence of Michelle Obama. Barack's better half not only has stature but is statuesque. She has coruscating intelligence, beauty, style and -- drumroll, please -- a butt. (Yes, you read that right: I'm going to talk about the first lady's butt.)
What a bonus! From the ocean of nastiness and confusion that defined this campaign from the beginning, Michelle rose up like Venus on the waves, keeping her coif above water and cruising the coattails of history to present us with a brand-new beauty norm before we knew it was even happening.
Actually, it took me and a lot of other similarly configured black women by surprise.
I usually post a few paragraphs of commentary on my "found" news items. For this piece, I will instead post some questions.
1. Should we be at all disturbed or disgusted that a black woman is being reduced to the charms of her body parts? Is this made even more troubling by the facts of history and how raced bodies have been sexualized?
2. Why wasn't George Bush's wife sexualized in the same fashion? Are we overreacting?
3. Could it be that Michelle Obama is simply more attractive than many of our recent first ladies? Random thought: I do have to admit Carter's wife was pretty sexy.
4. What of Sarah Palin? Are the folks who are upset about Michelle's booty being a topic of conversation among journalists and the punditry hypocrites for not complaining about Sarah Palin's "MILF" status and the upcoming adult title, "Who's Nailin Palin"?
5. The Salon piece was actually praising and embracing Michelle's figure as one that women of color (and others can embrace). Apparently, Michelle Obama's endowment is empowering for some women. Perhaps, Michelle will usher in some type of gluteal feminism?
6. Maybe I just don't get "gender" and "body" politics? I am still working on this race stuff, so maybe I am just behind the curve with my thinking about intersectionality at the site of Michelle Obama's behind.
7. Do you all "get" the gender and race politics at work in the Salon piece on Michelle Obama's backside? I ask, because I need some help working this one out.
They are going to give Obama a complex or something with all this "house negro" talk. First, we had Pastor Manning:
Then we had Ralph Nader:
You make the call! Listen to Malcolm, reflect on Obama's candidacy and promised agenda, and ask yourself, "Is Barack Obama a house negro or a field negro?" Be honest:
Funny thing, the Right-wing praised Bush when Al-Qaeda would criticize him. Among the O'Reilly-Limbaugh-Malkin-Hannity cabal (and their mouth breathing followers) these attacks by Al-Qaeda were taken as signs that "we" were winning the war on terror. I wonder if the same standard will apply to Barack Obama?
I do wonder though if the Right-wing echo chamber will take this as a positive sign that the American people made the correct choice on election day?
I have always been a fan of Brock Lesnar. His amazing speed, explosive strength, and awesome physicality are a near perfect combination. Now, Lesnar just needs to add some more experience and he will become the total package. I will forgive good old Brock for repeating the silly comment that some people think that he must be on steroids because "Brock has muscles like a black guy." I guess I didn't get the memo that black men are so powerful and naturally well muscled--this belief must be a cousin to the White racial psyche's fixation on "giant negroes" that Undercover Brother posted on sometime back.
Brock is going to do great in mixed martial arts. But, we would be in error if his impressive, and much missed, run in the World Wrestling Federation went unacknowledged. For the uninitiated, here are two classic bouts:
Brock versus the late, great, Eddie Guerrero (we miss you so much Eddie). Point: Brock lost, but in the world of professional wrestling, often the greatest performances come from putting over one's opponent:
Brock versus Kurt Angle. Three words: Brock Lesnar moonsault!
Part 1:
Part 2:
Random thought: For all that is good and just in the world, Kurt Angle should not transition into mixed martial arts. To do so, would be both dangerous and life threatening for the former Olympic gold medalist. And how long will it take until TNA's management, Kurt himself, and those sad marks out there (as opposed to smart marks like you and me) start clamoring for this "dream" match up?
Brock, We Respectable Negroes wish you the most enthusiastic of congratulations on your well earned victory!
Barack Obama is mixing the old (established hands and experienced political operatives) with the new (a pledge to close Guantanamo Bay; a series of executive orders to role back Bush era fiats; and a review of the 750 billion dollar credit bailout plan). In keeping with his campaign slogan of "change," Obama's recently announced plan to create an Office of Urban Policy is of particular interest to respectable negroes everywhere. Hallelujah! So many of our central cities are virtual war zones, victims of a changing economy and a diminished tax base, that a sustained approach to renewing these communities has been long needed.
As supporters of Barack Obama, we are always willing to offer suggestions and guidance. Accordingly, we believe that the Office of Urban Policy represents an amazing opportunity to embrace a dynamic and forward thinking approach to helping American cities. In keeping with our commitment to fighting ignorance and stupidity wherever we may find it, we respectable negroes are officially launching The Victory at Home initiative. The cornerstone of the V.H.I. is the establishment of The Bureau of Ign't Affairs. We propose that this new government agency should be immediately created. Organizationally, we suggest that it be housed under the umbrella of Barack Obama's newly proposed Office of Urban Policy (or alternatively under the Department of Homeland Security).
The Bureau of Ign't Affairs will have as its mandate the elimination of ign't behavior, and where elimination of this behavior is impossible, to work towards the reduction and/or mitigation of ign't related negative externalities. We respectable negroes believe that effective leadership and agenda setting are inseparable from one another. In keeping with this core belief, we propose that the following person be named Secretary of Ign't Affairs:
The Leadership
The 'Cos. Was there any other option? He has longed struggled against ign't behavior. The 'Cos's recent and most valiant crusade against self-sabotaging behavior among the ghetto underclass was met with great resistance. Yet, the 'Cos persisted in this battle despite the formidable forces arrayed against him. From deft speeches on the dangers of pound cakes and teen sexuality, to impassioned pleas that ign't parents stop buying their children video games and expensive sneakers instead of Hooked on Phonics, the 'Cos has distinguished himself as a leader in this war. Moreover, for any leader to effectively lead and win in battle, he or she must understand the minds and hearts of the enemy. As the creator of the Cosby Kids, and a key innovator in the art and science that is black English, the 'Cos has a deep understanding of the struggles faced by the Bureau of Ign't Affairs. There is no other option: the 'Cos is the first and best choice to lead this most auspicious undertaking.
A Preliminary Agenda
The Pull Up Your Pants Project. Saggin' must stop. It is an eyesore. It is embarrassing. It signals a callous disregard for one' s appearance and a marked lack of self-respect. Sagging pants have become such a plague that many communities have enacted local laws and ordinances to curb this threat. In an age of Obama, where a dignified, proud, Black American is now president, the cult of sagging is a direct stab at the heart of what Barack Obama represents. Sagging is also a public health issue. Studies have shown that sagging pants lead to back pain, an increase in accidental police shootings (because sagging pants have to be held up by the ign't offenders when they are arrested by local law enforcement), and injuries related to falling pants as ign't men run to catch the local bus. Those who sag also face unforeseen consequences. It is ironic that while many ign't men see incarceration as a right of passage into manhood, little do they realize that saggin' entices prison rapists. To deter this behavior, we now present a man who will most certainly become a key official in the Bureau of Ign't Affairs: Behold the Booty Bandit, Undersecretary of Booty Affairs!
The Pretty Ricky Initiative. Youtube is an untamed hinterland for ign't behavior. At any moment of any day ignt's are plying their craft and spreading their particular brand of teen (and adult) degeneracy to children--the most innocent and vulnerable members of our society. State's evidence number 1:
This outbreak of teenage grinding, booty poppin', and other miscellaneous, shameful behavior such as horrible freestyling and online hip hop battles, symbolizes a breakdown of family values and social order. Where are the parents? Where are the other responsible adults? The Bureau of Ign't affairs has correctly identified this public foolishness to be the direct result of an absence of fathers in the homes of young male ign'ts, as well as a total lack of shame by ign't communities. Young men need guidance. They need older responsible men to explain that respectable young men don't grind on ottomans or other household furniture (however, as Ghostface Killah and Jocelyn Elder have both explained, bed grinding is an acceptable outlet for the sexual urges of teens and young adults). Most important, the Pretty Ricky video (and others like it) are a clear indication that these young ign'ts don't seem to grasp the inherent homoeroticism of simulating group sex with defenseless furniture. Ottomans don't have the power to say "No!" And in what is an inevitable move from ottoman grinding to bathroom booty poppin', these young adults almost always escalate to other more dangerous, risky, and deviant sexual behaviors.
No Bottom Left Unbeaten. Many studies have condemned corporal punishment as damaging to the development and emotional well-being of children. However, many upright, virtuous parents believe that spanking is essential for the raising of disciplined and well-behaved children. Rather than stand against the wisdom of parents, the Bureau of Ign't Affairs supports caregivers in their struggle to raise healthy, strong, disciplined children. To that end, we propose that public schools offer weekly, government subsidized spankings to children in all grade levels. These beatings will motivate, encourage, and harden these young respectable negroes (and others) against the temptations of ign't culture. The "experts" are wrong. Rather than fewer beatings, the Bureau of Ign't Affairs firmly believes that we actually need more beatings in our most under-served and under-resourced schools.
Disrupting the Baby Mama to Prison Pipeline. Prison is a right of passage for many young ign't men. An equally frightening prospect, rather than be marginalized within the ign't community, these felons earn social prestige from "doing a bid." They become local "celebrities" whom are flocked to by young ign't women. Unfortunately, the criminal ign'ts imperil the health, safety, general welfare, and economic well-being of the communities in which they live. The Bureau of Ign't Affairs's solution: disrupt the source of this ign't wellspring at its source. To accomplish this goal, we need a comprehensive education program for the women who choose to lay with these young men. This proposed educational program will feature comprehensive access to birth control, life skills counseling, and training in critical thinking skills. These young women will be offered a simple decision making rule. If a young, ign't, ex-con wants to lay with said woman, she should apply the 3 point rule: no job, criminal record, and baby mamas equals no sex:
If a young woman must indulge, she should apply the 2 point rule--birth control pills and condoms are mandatory. The Bureau of Ign't Affairs also believes in the power of deterrence. In keeping with this, the bureau will offer an updated version of the infamous, Scared Straight Program. However, in lieu of tough, 1970s era thugs, the Bureau of Ign't Affairs will follow Chris Rock's brilliant suggestion and use the Tossed Salad Man as an ominous disincentive to criminality:
What is your pleasure? Syrup or jelly?
This is the first installment in the white paper that we are completing on suggested policy initiatives to be undertaken during the first 100 days of the Obama administration. What other initiatives should the Bureau of Ign't Affairs put into motion? What are some other bureaus that Barack Obama should create? Who should staff these new organs of government? Should the Office of Urban Policy be expanded to include the Bureau of Ign't Affairs? Or is this new government entity deserving of independent standing?
I love bigots. I don't really like them per se, but they often have their fingers on the collective racial pulse of these United States. During the campaign, the political analysis and commentary of Daniel Carver, an unapologetic Klansman and frequent Howard Stern guest, has been a joy and pleasure. To point, as Obama edged closer to victory, Daniel's calculus that Obama would be preferable to Joe Lieberman, because the latter is Jewish, is one of the sharpest and most insightful bits of punditry I have ever heard:
A bonus: as Daniel Carver explains the "how's" and "why's" of Obama's victory and its consequences for America, we also get to hear from Carver's wife. Random fact: Daniel Carver's wife is so dedicated to hate that she segregates her collection of Barbie Dolls. Apparently, the Emancipation Proclamation did not apply to the world of toys and dolls because the black Barbies continue to live in a condition of permanent servitude to the white Barbies.
We respectable negroes are truly adept at predicting the future. A few months back, Zora had outlined a proposal for Barack Obama's inaugural festivities. In terms of prognostication this feat is marginally impressive (we had a 50/50 shot of being right), but the details of Zora's prediction are eerily accurate. Behold her wisdom...and sense of humor.
****
Those of you who read my post earlier today on the 2009 Inaugural Celebration for Barack Obama are sure to have noted the degree of thought and careful detail that went into my proposal. Well, join me in being shocked at the feedback I have received from Obama's media consultants! They have run a fine-toothed comb through my proposal and extracted everything of flavor -- everything that suggests that Barack has flavor. Some of their changes don't even make sense ...
August 8, 2008
Dear Ms. Zora,
Thank you for submitting your proposal for the 2009 Barack Obama Inaugural Celebration. Your ideas are interesting and we would like to pursue them further with you. Below, we have listed some changes that you should incorporate into your final plan.
10 a.m. -- Tribute to Great American Athletes, with Michelle Obama, at Constitution Hall – including Mohammed Ali and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
This is a great idea, but the highlighted athletes should instead be Greg Louganis and Derek Jeter. These are stars that all Americans will be able to celebrate and identify with.
Noon -- Mwenzangu Obama luncheon at the Kenyan Embassy, with international leaders, including Kenyan President Mwai Kibaki and Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono.
We love the idea of having an international event such as this. Our contacts at the German Embassy have offered to host and sponsor a luncheon at this time. Heidi Klum and Seal can serve as honorary hosts with special guests Madonna and family together with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. (Jolie's father, of course, should not be included.)
2 p.m. -- Salute to Liberal Organizations, with the Vice President-elect Joe Biden, at the Blackburn Ballroom at Howard University.
Senator Obama would instead like to use this as an opportunity to honor his Kansas roots. Please propose an event saluting America's heartland.
4 p.m. -- Concert celebrating America's youth at the MCI Center with Gnarls Barkley and Lil' Wayne.
Lil' Wayne is perhaps not the best role model for America's youth. Replace him with the White Stripes.
6 p.m. -- Ball of the Delaware State Society honoring the Vice-President elect, at the Chamber of Commerce Building.
This sounds fine.
8 p.m. – The Chicago South Side Society "Black Tie Steppers" Ball at the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel, with Oprah Winfrey as Mistress of Ceremonies.
The Illinois State Society is a more appropriate body to host this event. In fact, they have already begun to organize the Black Tie and Clover Ball. Oprah can remain as MC.
9 p.m. -- Hispanic Presidential Inaugural Gala, ''Si Se Puede'' (Yes, We Can''), at the Omni Shoreham (supported by Gov. Bill Richardson and the Service Employees International Union).
We will await further polls before we decide on this event. . .
Given the change from the "Black Tie Steppers Ball" theme to the "Black Tie and Clover Ball," a change of menu is appropriate. In addition, the open buffet seems unnecessary. Instead, guests should simply select one main course with a choice of sides. Appetizers and drinks, of course, will be unlimited.
Revised Menu: appetizers -- fresh figs with fontina cheese, crudites, salmon mousse with cucumber sauce, and carpaccio on french bread; main dish selection -- boneless loin of pork with prunes, poached chicken breast stuffed with bread crumbs, white fish with a lemon-butter sauce; side dishes -- steamed fingerling potatos with dill, sliced tomato salad with basil, green bean salad with walnut dressing, tri color pasta salad with olives, and a puree of fennel; desserts -- apple tart with french vanilla ice cream and fresh strawberries; drinks -- champagne, open bar and mineral water.
Your selection of music was inspired and includes many of Senator Obama's favorites; however, the selection does not have a broad-base appeal and many songs may be taken to be contrary to his theme of unity and inclusion. On this subject, we think that Norah Jones and Mariah Carey would be excellent guest performers at the ball. The edited playlist is pasted below -- more suggestions will follow.
Music Playlist: Nina Simone's "Young, Gifted and Black," Bob Marley's "Get up, Stand up," Black Uhuru's "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner," Barry White's "My first, My last, My everything," Prince's "I Would Die 4 U" and "Let's go crazy," Snoop Dogg's "What's my name," Jay Z's "roc boys" and "99 problems," Diana Ross's "Love Child," Frank Sinatra's "I did it my way," Notorious BIG's "Hypnotize," Miriam Makeba's "Malaika," Jimmy Cliff's "Many Rivers to Cross," Curtis Mayfield's "Touch the Sky," Theme song to The Jefferson's, Nina Simone's "Mr. Bojangles," Marcia Griffith's "Electric Slide," Mr. C the Slide Man's "cha cha slide," John Legend's "Ordinary People," The Temptations' "Papa was a Rolling Stone," Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come," Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing," Ben E. King's "Stand By Me," Stevie Wonder's "Superstition," Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire," James Brown's "Black and Proud" and "Soul Power," Public Enemy's "Fight the Power," KRS-One's "The Bridge is Over," George Clinton's "Flashlight," Bob Marley's "Jammin'," Queen's "We Are the Champions," U2's "It's A Beautiful Day," Tom Petty's "Free Falling," Bonnie Raitte's "Something to Talk About," B.B. King's "Sitting On Top of the World," John Mellencamp's "Hurt So Good," The Beatles' "Let it Be" ...
Finally, your preliminary list of honored guests requires the following changes:
Vernon Jordan The Brothers from Wali's Barber Shop, Bobby Rush, Halle Berry, Nelson Mandela, Muhammed Ali, Hugo Chavez, Danny Glover, the High Imam of Indonesia, Stephen Carter, Jesse Jackson Sr., Jesse Jackson Jr., Iyanda Nkanga, (??????) Will Burns, Toni Preckwinkle, Colin Powell, Stedman, Gail King, Tom Joyner, Tavis Smiley, Armstrong Williams, Lani Guinier, Cornel West, Henry Louis Gates, bell hooks, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Morgan Freeman, Toni Morrison, Puff Daddy, Ludacris, Jay Z & Beyonce, Russell Simmons (without Kimora), Snoop Dogg, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Bishop Arthur M. Brazier, Sonia Sanchez, (?) Hillary & Bill Clinton, Harry Belafonte, Linda Johnson Rice, Light Skinned Girl, Soledad O'Brien, Vin Diesel, Keanu Reeves, Wayne Brady, Robert Johnson
We look forward to receiving a final version of your proposal with the requested changes. Thank you for your time and effort. Sincerely, Friends of David Axelrod
My grandmother used to always tell me to be careful what I wished for because it may come true. As I come down off of my Obama induced high and begin pondering the implications of his victory I am still beset by mixed feelings. I am so very happy, but I still remain quite worried.
And yes, we did get to see history happen rather than to be a witness to it. God, I can't describe how amazing that feels. But now, we have to grapple with the implications of what could be (or not) a sea change in how think about race and politics in this country.
The Day After: 18 Post-Election Thoughts and Reflections
1. We were so happy on election night: the cheering, screaming, crying, and pride. How soon will that joy turn into anger and disappointment?
2. And if we were so happy on Tuesday Night, why were they so miserable?
3. Obama's victory is a struggle between the symbolic and the practical. Which side will win out?
4. We finally got the ball and now have to run with it. What if we get the ball, run with it, and don't score a touchdown? What if they have rigged the rules to keep us from scoring?
5. An exceptional black man named Barack Obama will be president. When will a person of color who is below average and a failure of a man--someone like George Bush--get to be president? Would the latter be more progress than the former?
6. As they look down on us, are Martin, Malcolm, Sojourner, John Brown and Harriet smiling? Or as they look down on us, are Martin, Malcolm, Sojourner, John Brown and Harriet shaking their heads because we don't know what is waiting for us around the corner?
7. I am happy that many people voted for Barack Obama because he is black. I am saddened that many people voted for Barack Obama because he is black.
8. Where do WE go from here? Where do THEY go from here?
9. A change is gonna come. Or is it?
10. Three words: White, conservative backlash.
11. Publicly, we were/are so excited . Privately, what are we afraid of?
12. They can hate us but love him: Some people dislike black people yet voted for a black man because of the economy. Is this racial progress? Are we just treading water? Or is this a step backwards?
13. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is true in physics and in politics. What will the opposite reaction be?
14. The scholar in me is both scared and excited. Part of me is biting at the bit to work through how this moment matters for the study of race, ethnicity and politics. Another part of me is worried to death that so much of what we know will be forced into obsolescence. The plain old American part of me is excited and happy about how exceptional we can indeed be as a people. The Black American part of me is joyous and proud...but is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
15. Yes WE can. And you know what, yes THEY can too.
16. I am happy that little black boys and little black girls will grow up in a world which has known a black president. I am really scared that little black boys and little black girls will still be penalized for being Black--and these little black boys and little black girls won't have a language to describe what they are experiencing.
17. Right now, I am proud to be an American. Right now, I am scared to be an American.
18. Barack Obama's personal safety is guaranteed. Isn't it?
Not to belabor the obvious, but it must be said that I do in fact love the insincere shock and offense demonstrated by Fox News at a black man being called an "Uncle Tom." Given their trafficking in race baiting, it is great to see Conservatives and their mouthpieces feign any sort of concern about racism.
But damn! Nader doesn't pull any punches does he? For the record, I do think that his concern is a fair and reasonable one--but let's bask in the afterglow for a little while before we get too critical. Nader's move reminds me of a woman who after some great, stink up the room, burn down a few inscents (sandalwood of course) to the nub, R. Kelly/D'Angelo/Sade playing in the background lovemaking asks either, "What does this mean?" or "Are we in a relationship?"
Talk about a mood killer. Let's just lay together, legs intertwined, and enjoying the pheromones of the love musk before we start having a conversation about "serious" business. Remember folks, be careful because as Sister Alexyss Tylor says, Obamamania will make you slap somebody:
But, as we lay spent of our political energies, our root chakras now drained by the Obamamania which we have experienced, we cannot forget the concerns raised by Brother West regarding the challenge faced by Barack Obama in balancing practical politics with a commitment to change:
Okay, I am going back to laying in bed and stinking up the room in the afterglow of my Obamamania...
Jesse, I want to twist his nuts off, Jackson has conjured up some magical tears it seems. Jesse Jackson, professional ambulance chaser and victomologist will undoubtedly spin his public display of emotion at seeing a Black man elected president into some new version of a "I held Martin as he lay dying" collage of half-truths.
I think the caption of this photo should read "Tears of Frustration" or perhaps "Come on, I got to cry on cue so I can be all over the news."
Respectable negroes and our white allies, how would you caption the above photo?
"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep ... But we will get there!"
Call me soft, but I'm actually crying. Throughout this entire campaign, I've been trying not to want this too much. I feared the disappointment. I hid my true emotions behind sarcasm and scholarship. At this point, I'm letting it all out.
I'm hopeful in a way that I have never been before. I don't expect the impossible, for there is a lot to repair in this country -- too much for Obama to do alone, too much to do in one term. But, we have broken a barrier. We have!
I'm thinking about all of those folks who could have never imagined this just four short years ago. I'm thinking about what my children might be able to witness.
On this night, I will allow myself to be soft and emotional. I will allow myself a few tears of joy. I will allow myself to offer up a few "daps" to the brothers in the street. Tomorrow, I'll get back to my cynical, sarcastic self. But tonight, I am happy and proud.
Chauncey wrote a great piece on what makes him excited and scared about the election. I’ve chosen a different approach: looking at the implications of the two possible outcomes in practical and symbolic terms. This is a recurring theme for me, as I’ve struggled with the tension between practical and symbolic politics since we started this site.
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In practical terms, an Obama loss would secure at least 12 more years of Republican presidential rule, as young progressives and black people would withdraw from national electoral politics in significant numbers.
In symbolic terms, an Obama loss would torpedo the dream of a black man becoming president any time soon. If this brilliant, biracial, supposedly post-racial black politician is too black to become president, then what chance do the rest of us have?
In practical terms, an Obama loss would all but ensure that Sarah Palin and her petty, incurious, faux-populist ilk dominate national Republican politics for the next decade or so.
In symbolic terms, an Obama loss would signal that the previous generation is still calling the shots.
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In practical terms, an Obama win would halt the Bush administration’s assault on the Constitution; it would prevent the Supreme Court from veering even further to the right; it would signal the immediate end to America’s bankrupt neocon cowboy foreign policy.
In symbolic terms, an Obama win would represent the acceptance of American multiculturalism on the (inter)national stage.
In practical terms, an Obama win would not have a significant, positive effect on the electorate. The Right will regroup, and due to the general unpopularity of every Congress, the Democrats in power will take the hit and the political pendulum will carry Republicans back into office in the next few election cycles.
In symbolic terms, an Obama win would suggest that Howard Dean was right: Democrats need to look at the guys with the Confederate flags on their trucks as potential allies.
In practical terms, an Obama win wouldn’t put a dent in racism, economic inequality, crime, poor education, and other problems that plague black communities.
In symbolic terms, an Obama win would relieve the psychic collective burden that renders blackness the ultimate hindrance.
Now, in the interest of openness and transparency I have to ask myself, 
Who would I be if I were a furry? Upon reflection, I think my top choices would be Chewbacca, a Snork, or Ookla the Mok. These characters would most certainly capture my inner beast.
