Sarah Palin: A Wonderful Accident of History and a Gift to the American People

Sarah Palin, I would like to thank THE Lord (as well as the Lords of Kobol above) that your parents in a night of drunken Pabst Blue Ribbon, MGD, or Schlitz Malt Liquor induced love making conceived you on their shag carpet. The United States of America is blessed that you didn't leak down the side of your mother's leg after that night of coital bliss. Simply put: Sarah, you have done more for the people of America--by helping Barack Obama get elected--than almost any person in Obama's inner circle. Thank you.

My dear, you are an accident of history and we are blessed by this fact. You are political serendipity. You are a million dollars in the hand of a sleepy baby whose parents are drunk and unconscious in the corner of a casino.

Apparently, Sarah Palin explains in the new documentary How Obama Got Elected that the mainstream media was "biased" against her because she is of a "lower class." Also, Sarah believes that if she were a Democrat, that the mainstream media would have heaped praise upon her. Funny, as we posited in our alternative universe series of posts (what we playfully labeled "the Niggaro Universe") made during the summer, if Sarah were a Democrat, and God forbid, a Black woman (or either a Latina or Native American) the media's narrative would have been quite different.

Sarah, the reality which you misunderstand, is that you did get a pass from the mainstream press. Let's be clear, if you were Michelle Obama, given your life choices, the company you keep, and your grandmother status as a fortyish MILF, i.e. your grandmomma-baby mama-baby daddy drama, Alaskan secessionist husband and other assorted PWT attributes, you would have been skewered thrice over. Sarah, if you were a woman of color you would have been cast as Ronald Reagan's welfare queen version 2.0. You dodged a bullet. Revel in this truth.

Accordingly, I bring to you a well-timed We Are Respectable Negroes flashback:

The Niggaro Universe Proclaims: Sarah Palin--A Radical, Welfare Queen Who is Out-of-Touch with Mainstream America

****Because of the hole in the space time continuum created by the Large Hadron Collider, the Niggaro Universe has overwritten the universe of We Are Respectable Negroes. Scientists are diligently working to correct this problem, and it should be rectified in the next few days. For now, because of the influence of this alternate reality things are changed. Our Barack Obama is now "Barack O'Bama," a white Republican, Sarah Palin is a black Democrat, Joe Biden is Joe Biden but just a Republican, and John McCain is a maverick, Democratic populist. Zora, Gordon, and Chauncey have been replaced by their doppelgangers from the Niggaro Universe. They are the same, yet different. If you too have been changed by the disruption of the space time continuum do not feel obligated to resist. Instead, indulge your new self until this Crisis on Negro Earths is remedied****

The face of Sarah Palin has grinned from the cover of every major news publication since she was announced as the Democratic, vice-presidential nominee. That she is clearly supported by the liberal media shows once again how out of touch they are with mainstream American values. What is the basis of their support? Palin’s speech at the Democratic convention showed little more than that she is photogenic and adept with words. What do we really know about Sarah Palin?

While there is little known about Sarah Palin’s career before she formally entered politics, we do know that she spent significant time as a “community organizer” for an extremist, Christian fundamentalist sect. A former Catholic with a history of marijuana use and a record of dating strippers, Palin was converted to the evangelical perspective by a boyfriend when she was a teenager. Her academic records indicate that she was kicked out of four community colleges across several states for poor academic performance and for behavioral issues related to religious intolerance. She finally managed to get a degree in Communications from the University of Idaho through their fast-track, affirmative action program.

Those who are close to Palin share that she married her husband, Todd Palin, when she found herself pregnant with their first child. While Palin has consistently described herself as “a strong, black woman,” it seems that she had no problem turning to the state for welfare handouts while her husband demonstrated his own lack of ambition by spending his days fishing and playing basketball. Palin’s affirmative action education proved useless in helping her find meaningful employment.

Sarah Palin came to the attention of Democratic operatives in her home state of Alaska when her welfare benefits were eventually cut off. Outraged, she demanded that the state support her pro-choice perspective to have more babies than she and her husband were able to support. In asserting her sense of entitlement, she proved herself able to rally the support of others who shared her radical views. Democrats saw an opportunity in Wasilla’s growing evangelical community and tapped Palin to run in the town’s mayoral election. Even Democrats, however, were surprised when she won.

As mayor, Palin quickly found that the most lucrative welfare benefits to be had were in the form of government earmarks designed to circumvent the merit-based allocation process and curtail the ability of the Executive Branch to properly manage funds. Palin took the title of “Welfare Queen” to an all new level when she secured record level earmarks for her cronies. The Democratic leadership found her to be more useful than they had ever imagined and began making long-term plans for her. Leaders within her extremist, Christian sect also found Palin to be useful. Believing that he had a direct line of communication to God, Palin adopted Pastor Kalnins as both her religious counselor and her political adviser. Pastor Kalnins and other sect leaders were able to mobilize a voting block for Palin by preaching that their members would be condemned to” a lake of burning fire” if they did not cast their vote for her. (It is reported that one of Palin’s early election slogans was Cast Your Vote for Palin or Be Cast Into Hell!)

Sarah Palin made history on Dec. 4, 2006, when she took office as the first African-American woman to hold the position of state governor. Since taking office, her top priorities have been what she has termed “resource development.” It turns out that this is just a fancy phrase for milking the federal government and directing resources to her pet projects. Others like her include Marion Berry and Kwame Kilpatrick. While Berry and Kilpatrick were eventually exposed for the ghetto figure-heads that they were, Palin has been able to effectively fuse her minority status together with her gender to create a protective shroud against criticism. Comments pointing out the truth are rallied back as sexist and racist. This tactic is so successful that the Democratic presidential nominee is now using her as his personal mouth piece. In spite of her new status as a media darling, Sarah Palin is simply a fast talker who can’t be trusted.

Sarah Palin touts herself as a leader with “executive” experience. Even if we set aside the fact that she defers to a store-front preacher with no political background and that her rise in politics was the result of an affirmative action fast track, there is still the matter of her family. Throughout her personal pursuit of political gain, she has given birth to no less than five children. It seems that family planning and personal responsibility are basics that Palin has chosen to ignore.

Palin’s oldest son and daughter carry the sins of their mother – Hezekiah is addicted to crack and La’Shawnda is unmarried and pregnant. Not surprisingly, Palin has expressed not an ounce of shame about her children’s difficulties. Instead, she is parading her daughter’s “baby daddy” on the national stage with claims that marriage is imminent. (Insiders report that the “baby daddy” was actually threatened with physical violence by elders within Palin’s religious sect if he refused to participate in the current sham.) Unwilling to help her son through his addiction, Palin has made Hezekiah the government’s problem by forcing him to join the military.

The saddest and most shameful of all is Palin’s neglect of her youngest child, Pooty. Born with developmental disorders, Pooty Palin has been left to the care of his oldest sister while Palin selfishly pursues political power and her husband hangs out on the corner with his basketball “homeboys.” Palin’s short comings as a mother clearly reflect what we can expect from her as one of our nation’s top leaders.

Although we know painfully little about the real Sarah Palin, what we do know is enough to make us all tremble at the thought of her representing the American people. Sarah Palin is an extremist figure who does not reflect our values as a nation.

Sarah Palin? Welfare Queen, yes. American Vice-President, absolutely not!

We Can Finally Exhale: The Rift Between Our Universe and the Niggaro Universe has been Closed

It was a hell of a week wasn't it? I don't know exactly what happened because my memories are a bit fuzzy. Earlier today I received a phone call from Dr. Ronald Mallett, physicist at the University of Connecticut, and a fellow respectable negro. For those of you not in the know, this brother is working on time travel and is definitely a first ballot entry into the Ghetto Nerd Hall of Fame.

On the phone, Brother Mallett proclaimed: "Chauncey, I got the answer! I can close the Niggaro rift!" I was so confused I didn't get what he was talking about...I rattled off some nonsense about Black Republicans and being a Rush Limbaughesque news commentator. Thank god, Brother Mallet calmed me down, he simply said, "everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright."

It seems that Brother Mallet had been working on this problem for years and had actually anticipated that the Large Hadron Collider would tear a hole into the Niggaro Universe. His solution was simple. Brother Mallet decided to simply figure out the ratio of dark matter to "normal" matter in the Niggaro Universe and to send a heavy proton beam into that universe on an inverse frequency. This would create a unitary function that would in turn nullify the effects of the Niggaro Universe, and in turn, close the rift.

In essence, Dr. Mallet computed the inverse function of the unified field theory which was operative in the Niggaro Universe and found a way to send energy which would vibrate at the exact wave function necessary to close the convergence. I was utterly confused by his explanation. But, I intimately understood his formula:

The Foundational Matrix: The Time Haters

Variable 1: Call Me Mr. Tibbs!

Variable 2: Brother Bruce Lee

Variable 3: Some P-Funk

Radiation added: So Black and Cool it Glows

Isotope 1: Pryor's Genius

Isotope 2: Redd Foxx's Genius

Compound Zero: Ol'Dirty is Undefinable

Base 1: Dignity

Base 2: Pride

For the closing explosion--

Anti-Matter 1: Damn!

Anti-Matter 2: Even More Damn!!!

Matter 1: Genius

Matter 2: Use the Force!

Matter 3: Rakim Knows All

Matter 4: Too Cool

So that Our Universe Can Prepare the Niggaro Universe to be Conquered--Heavy Protons: Brother Malcolm

Thank you, thank you, thank you again, Brother Mallet for finding a way to get We Respectable Negroes back on track. I know we will be hearing from you again, but in the short term, let's get back to our task of exposing stupidity and foolishness wherever we may find it.

Conflict with the Niggaro Universe has renewed us. My respectable negroes and white allies, we are now ready to return to battle! In return for your dedication we promise you glory:

The Niggaro Universe Proclaims: Democrats’ Support for Liberal McCain Proves That They Put Country Last!

****Because of the hole in the space time continuum created by the Large Hadron Collider, the Niggaro Universe has overwritten the universe of We Are Respectable Negroes. Scientists are diligently working to correct this problem, and it should be rectified in the next few days. For now, because of the influence of this alternate reality things are changed. Our Barack Obama is now "Barack O'Bama," a white Republican, Sarah Palin is a black Democrat, Joe Biden is Joe Biden but just a Republican, and John McCain is a maverick, Democratic populist. Zora, Gordon, and Chauncey have been replaced by their doppelgangers from the Niggaro Universe. They are the same, yet different. If you too have been changed by the disruption of the space time continuum do not feel obligated to resist. Instead, indulge your new self until this Crisis on Negro Earths is remedied****

Quick thought experiment: Imagine that a Republican candidate had graduated at the bottom of his class. Be honest—such a Republican wouldn’t be able to sniff the presidency, not in a million years; yet the last two Democratic candidates, George W. Bush and now John McCain, have a proven record of mediocrity. They only got ahead because of their daddies. Call it affirmative action by nepotism.

Republicans produce proud candidates who forge their own paths. Consider Republican war hero John Kerry, whose stellar combat record was shamelessly savaged by the liberal media during his 2004 Presidential campaign.

But let’s look more closely at media darling John McCain.

Fact: Hothead McCain graduated 5th from the bottom of is class at the Naval Academy.

Fact: After reaping the benefits of being the son and grandson of admirals, McCain crashed five planes. Five!!!!

Fact: McCain dated strippers.

Fact: McCain recorded 32 propaganda films for the Viet Cong. In these tapes, he condemned America. And he has the absolute gall to question our doubts about his patriotism?

Fact: McCain divorced his first wife once she was crippled, but not before he started cheating on her with Cindy.

Fact: McCain again benefited from nepotism when Cindy’s father—himself a crook, by the way—hired McCain to his beer distribution company.

Fact: McCain was a member of the Keating 5 and was proven to be not a maverick, but an entrenched corrupt Washington insider.

Fact: McCain called his wife a “cunt” in public.

Fact: McCain has several questionable radical associates.

Fact: McCain claims to be for the people, but he and his zillionaire wife, with her $300,000 outfits and half a million dollar credit card charges, don’t even know how many houses they own. And they want to call the O’Bamas elitist?

What all of this adds up to is that we can learn a lot from the judgment and the character of Democrats who have chosen McCain to lead their party and our country. What does it say about Democrats that they have fawned over a traitorous dimwit with an overblown military record? What does it day that they back a gigolo who has never had to do an honest day of work in his life due to his daddy, granddaddy, and daddy-in-law? What does it say that he exhibits the lack of family values that those on our side exalt over all?

Because the radical, angry leftist media refuses to tell the truth about this man’s character and past, it is up to us, the righteous conservative warriors on radio and on the internet, to let the American people know the truth!

The Nigarro Universe Proclaims: "Quota Queen" Sarah Palin's ABC Interview is More Proof that Affirmative Action Has Failed All Americans

****Because of the hole in the space time continuum created by the Large Hadron Collider, the Niggaro Universe has overwritten the universe of We Are Respectable Negroes. Scientists are diligently working to correct this problem, and it should be rectified in the next few days. For now, because of the influence of this alternate reality things are changed. Our Barack Obama is now "Barack O'Bama," a white Republican, Sarah Palin is a black Democrat, Joe Biden is Joe Biden but just a Republican, and John McCain is a maverick, Democratic populist. Zora, Gordon, and Chauncey have been replaced by their doppelgangers from the Niggaro Universe. They are the same, yet different. If you too have been changed by the disruption of the space time continuum do not feel obligated to resist. Instead, indulge your new self until this Crisis on Negro Earths is remedied****

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network in conjunction with the Super Excellence in Broadcasting Station and Uncle Chauncey El Limbo O'Reilly DeVega brings you our Friday Talking Points Memo:

While the liberal media and the McCain campaign cry foul over the phrase "lipstick on a pig," Sarah Palin, Democratic Candidate for VP was preparing for her television interview with ABC News.

After watching the interview I can now see why the Libs were so desperate to make sure that Sarah Palin was "comfortable," was going to do the interview at a "time and place of her own choosing," and when the media was going to be "deferential" to her.

The Democrats don't need to be worried about O'Bama's joke about lipsticks and pigs, when in fact they have said much much worse. After watching the Palin debacle, the folksy phrase the Democrats need to be worried about is one I learned from my grandma: You Can't Polish a Turd!

While we know that Palin's selection as VP is the product of identity politics on the Left, this need to put a black and female face on their ticket in order to win over their base and to shore up their liberal credentials, still shocks me. I remain amazed out how they couldn't find someone who is actually qualified for the position of vice president. Is there not one person of color in the Democratic Party with the ability to step up and take the reigns as Vice President?

If one were to watch Palin and imagine her as president, with the authority to make important decisions which impact our nation and the world, the picture that would be painted would be truly frightening:

1. Palin would have us at war with Russia. Assuming she knows where Georgia is, she actually believes that the United States should deploy military force against a country with thousands of nuclear warheads to protect Georgia? Excuse me, Georgia? A small country of marginal geopolitical influence, and one that is certainly not worth a nuclear war.

2. Israel. I will say it again Israel. Miss Earmark Palin would cede our national interests to another country. Palin it seems would give Israel a blank check to do as it wishes with the full assurance that the United States would back their play. Are you kidding me? Does Palin know anything about international relations and the fact that countries are self interested actors? Accordingly, you never cede your authority to another country because it is rarely in your favor.

3. The Bush Doctrine. God bless Charles Gibson for throwing Palin a lifeline. In watching her fumble for an answer I almost felt bad for her. Watching her it reminded me of the scene in the movie Caddyshack where Chevy Chase is trying to teach Bill Murray how to golf and he's kind of saying, "You're not, you're not ..." And he's standing behind him and he's trying to -- and he says, "You're not good." Palin's performance resonates with me and reminds me of that scene because frankly, she's just not good.

4. The Bush Doctrine point 2. Palin clearly didn't know what the Bush Doctrine is. I will repeat it, this woman, this affirmative action hire, doesn't have a basic knowledge of foreign relations. Yet, she is going to be one heartbeat away from the presidency. Am I the only one scared to death by this? As Palin fumbled through her answer it was striking how unqualified she is and how this whole thing came about within the Democratic Party. I think it really goes back to the fact that nobody had the guts to stand up and say no to a black woman. Ironically, these liberal policies, this policy of playing identity politics over merit is going to end up strangling liberals too.

5. Palin on Foreign Affairs again. Watch the video of Palin again. For your own sake, and because I don't want you to believe that I have convinced you of this fact, please watch her interview on ABC a second time. If you do, you will see the presumptive Democrat presidential nominee wandering aimlessly in desperate hope for a cogent thought. Again, if Sarah Palin were Caucasian, they would have taken this woman out on the basis of pure ignorance long ago.

6. Hubris. Did Palin even know what the definition of hubris is? Clearly, we see why she needed six years and four colleges to earn a Bachelor's degree.

America we are at a real cross-roads with this election. On one hand you have Barack, a real visionary, the American success story, a young man of destiny and vision. On the other hand, you have a party that has insulted the intelligence of the American people. The Democrats think you are stupid America! They think that black people and women will vote for Sarah Palin just because of her gender and her skin color. The Democrats are doubly insulting because they think that by trotting out a woman who uses her family as a prop that they can win votes. This is sad, sad, sad.

Sometimes we have to swallow a bitter pill. I feel sorry for Sarah Palin and I mean this sincerely from my heart. She is clearly over matched and under qualified for the job she has been offered. It is because of this very reason that I am against affirmative action and quotas. These programs hurt the very recipients of the programs by putting them in positions for which they are under prepared and ill equipped. Palin is the product of set-asides and special privileges. Her whole career has been the result of someone opening a door for her and lifting her up. Not once has she ever had to pull herself up by her bootstraps, not once!

The America we Republicans love, the America of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson is one where you make it on your own. The America we Republicans love is that of Martin Luther King Jr., one where you are judged by the content of your character and the strength of your ideas. This is not Sarah Palin and the Democratic Party's America. No, their country is one of special privileges, quotas, and affirmative action.

Sadly, Palin's interview showed us just where those policies will lead us.

The Niggaro Universe Proclaims: Sarah Palin -- A Radical, Welfare Queen Who is Out-of-Touch with Mainstream America

****Because of the hole in the space time continuum created by the Large Hadron Collider, the Niggaro Universe has overwritten the universe of We Are Respectable Negroes. Scientists are diligently working to correct this problem, and it should be rectified in the next few days. For now, because of the influence of this alternate reality things are changed. Our Barack Obama is now "Barack O'Bama," a white Republican, Sarah Palin is a black Democrat, Joe Biden is Joe Biden but just a Republican, and John McCain is a maverick, Democratic populist. Zora, Gordon, and Chauncey have been replaced by their doppelgangers from the Niggaro Universe. They are the same, yet different. If you too have been changed by the disruption of the space time continuum do not feel obligated to resist. Instead, indulge your new self until this Crisis on Negro Earths is remedied****

The face of Sarah Palin has grinned from the cover of every major news publication since she was announced as the Democratic, vice-presidential nominee. That she is clearly supported by the liberal media shows once again how out of touch they are with mainstream American values. What is the basis of their support? Palin’s speech at the Democratic convention showed little more than that she is photogenic and adept with words. What do we really know about Sarah Palin?

While there is little known about Sarah Palin’s career before she formally entered politics, we do know that she spent significant time as a “community organizer” for an extremist, Christian fundamentalist sect. A former Catholic with a history of marijuana use and a record of dating strippers, Palin was converted to the evangelical perspective by a boyfriend when she was a teenager. Her academic records indicate that she was kicked out of four community colleges across several states for poor academic performance and for behavioral issues related to religious intolerance. She finally managed to get a degree in Communications from the University of Idaho through their fast-track, affirmative action program.

Those who are close to Palin share that she married her husband, Todd Palin, when she found herself pregnant with their first child. While Palin has consistently described herself as “a strong, black woman,” it seems that she had no problem turning to the state for welfare handouts while her husband demonstrated his own lack of ambition by spending his days fishing and playing basketball. Palin’s affirmative action education proved useless in helping her find meaningful employment.

Sarah Palin came to the attention of Democratic operatives in her home state of Alaska when her welfare benefits were eventually cut off. Outraged, she demanded that the state support her pro-choice perspective to have more babies than she and her husband were able to support. In asserting her sense of entitlement, she proved herself able to rally the support of others who shared her radical views. Democrats saw an opportunity in Wasilla’s growing evangelical community and tapped Palin to run in the town’s mayoral election. Even Democrats, however, were surprised when she won.

As mayor, Palin quickly found that the most lucrative welfare benefits to be had were in the form of government earmarks designed to circumvent the merit-based allocation process and curtail the ability of the Executive Branch to properly manage funds. Palin took the title of “Welfare Queen” to an all new level when she secured record level earmarks for her cronies. The Democratic leadership found her to be more useful than they had ever imagined and began making long-term plans for her. Leaders within her extremist, Christian sect also found Palin to be useful. Believing that he had a direct line of communication to God, Palin adopted Pastor Kalnins as both her religious counselor and her political adviser. Pastor Kalnins and other sect leaders were able to mobilize a voting block for Palin by preaching that their members would be condemned to” a lake of burning fire” if they did not cast their vote for her. (It is reported that one of Palin’s early election slogans was Cast Your Vote for Palin or Be Cast Into Hell!)

Sarah Palin made history on Dec. 4, 2006, when she took office as the first African-American woman to hold the position of state governor. Since taking office, her top priorities have been what she has termed “resource development.” It turns out that this is just a fancy phrase for milking the federal government and directing resources to her pet projects. Others like her include Marion Berry and Kwame Kilpatrick. While Berry and Kilpatrick were eventually exposed for the ghetto figure-heads that they were, Palin has been able to effectively fuse her minority status together with her gender to create a protective shroud against criticism. Comments pointing out the truth are rallied back as sexist and racist. This tactic is so successful that the Democratic presidential nominee is now using her as his personal mouth piece. In spite of her new status as a media darling, Sarah Palin is simply a fast talker who can’t be trusted.

Sarah Palin touts herself as a leader with “executive” experience. Even if we set aside the fact that she defers to a store-front preacher with no political background and that her rise in politics was the result of an affirmative action fast track, there is still the matter of her family. Throughout her personal pursuit of political gain, she has given birth to no less than five children. It seems that family planning and personal responsibility are basics that Palin has chosen to ignore.

Palin’s oldest son and daughter carry the sins of their mother – Hezekiah is addicted to crack and La’Shawnda is unmarried and pregnant. Not surprisingly, Palin has expressed not an ounce of shame about her children’s difficulties. Instead, she is parading her daughter’s “baby daddy” on the national stage with claims that marriage is imminent. (Insiders report that the “baby daddy” was actually threatened with physical violence by elders within Palin’s religious sect if he refused to participate in the current sham.) Unwilling to help her son through his addiction, Palin has made Hezekiah the government’s problem by forcing him to join the military.

The saddest and most shameful of all is Palin’s neglect of her youngest child, Pooty. Born with developmental disorders, Pooty Palin has been left to the care of his oldest sister while Palin selfishly pursues political power and her husband hangs out on the corner with his basketball “homeboys.” Palin’s short comings as a mother clearly reflect what we can expect from her as one of our nation’s top leaders.

Although we know painfully little about the real Sarah Palin, what we do know is enough to make us all tremble at the thought of her representing the American people. Sarah Palin is an extremist figure who does not reflect our values as a nation.

Sarah Palin? Welfare Queen, yes. American Vice-President, absolutely not!

The Niggaro Universe Proclaims: Barack O'Bama-Visionary, Leader, Cut from the Cloth of Ronald Reagan, a Hero, and Future Leader of These United States

****Because of the hole in the space time continuum created by the Large Hadron Collider, the Niggaro Universe has overwritten the universe of We Are Respectable Negroes. Scientists are diligently working to correct this problem, and it should be rectified in the next few days. For now, because of the influence of this alternate reality things are changed. Our Barack Obama is now "Barack O'Bama," a white Republican, Sarah Palin is a black Democrat, Joe Biden is Joe Biden but just a Republican, and John McCain is a maverick, Democratic populist. Zora, Gordon, and Chauncey have been replaced by their doppelgangers from the Niggaro Universe. They are the same, yet different. If you too have been changed by the disruption of the space time continuum do not feel obligated to resist. Instead, indulge your new self until this Crisis on Negro Earths is remedied****

I am disgusted by the attacks on our candidate by the Democratic Party. They say he mocks them, that he is a sexist, that he smears Sarah Palin as being a pig with lipstick. They are afraid of his potential I tell you. They are afraid of his patriotism. They are afraid of what they believe is an impossible dream come to life. O'Bama cannot exist in their America. But I tell you, in our America, in the America of Republicans, there are thousands, millions, tens of millions of little O'Bamas, boys and girls, waiting, yearning, preparing to change America--spurred on by Barack's example, and in their own time ready to make history.

I sit here teary eyed as I think about Barack O'Bama. He is a visionary. He is a true leader. He is experienced. He is ready to lead. America is at a cross roads and fate has blessed us with an amazing leader. While the Democrats would tell you that he is not ready to lead, that he does not have the experience to lead, that he is embroiled in petty local politics, tarred by his associations with "real" Americans, we patriotic, God fearing, heartland, lunch pail voters know differently.

O'Bama is our story. What person doesn't see Ronald Reagan when they hear his voice? Who can't be proud at his amazingly American story? Visualizing this young man in that most American of States, Hawaii, surfing and swimming, embodying even as a child, the wonderful and amazing diversity of peoples, creeds, and places that these United States have to offer.

Barack's life is an American story. He is the product of immigrants who rose from humble beginnings to find success. Barack never complained, never cried foul, never apologized for his life circumstances. Raised by a single mother, reaching out to mentors wherever he could find them, and a God fearing man, he found his way to Harvard University--that most esteemed and elite of institutions. From there, he graduated as president of the Harvard Law Review and went onward to win positions as a representative for the state of Illinois on both the state and national levels. America is amazing. Don't listen to those America haters, those tired "liberals" in the media, those who no longer believe in the hopeful possibilities of America's greatness. Ask them: where else could a man of such humble beginnings find his way to the White House? In what other country could a man raised with the values of the heartland: hard work, distinguished service, educational excellence, and loyalty to family find himself at such a young, age, only 3 months away from the being President of the most powerful country in the world?

Family matters to Republicans. Family matters to Walmart moms, those Americans struggling to do the right thing even when it is easier to do the wrong thing. Family matters to those small town Americans who comprise the beating heart and soul of this country. Family matters to those blue collar Americans who pay their taxes on time, volunteer in their churches, and contribute to their communities through volunteer service.

Family matters to Barack O'Bama. Community matters to Barack O'Bama. When it was easier to go to Wall Street or to a big investment firm, our nominee said, "No!" Instead he went to work as a volunteer in Chicago. When it was easier to run off and make millions in the private sector our nominee said, "No!" Instead, he entered into that most selfless of professions and became an educator. When it was easier to take the public's money as he ran for president our candidate said, "No!" Instead, he said I can stand on my own. This is your, our, America's Barack O'Bama.

Some would say that this story of uplift, of self-help, of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, the Barack story is a lie, a fantasy, something that we Republicans cling to in our nostalgia. What the Democrats don't understand is how this story is true, it is reality, it lives in every small town, in every entrepreneur, in every child and grandparent of immigrants, in every ancestor of those who arrived on the Mayflower, and in the soul of every child whose parents hail from Latin America, China, or Korea. America works because its citizens believe that it works. America is embodied in men and women like Barack O'bama.

And I won't lie, America is embodied in wonderful and supportive partners and spouses like Michelle Obama, an amazing woman, mother, friend, and I will admit it, because we all need a wall upon which to lean, that rock upon which Obama rests his tired and weary shoulders after he has come home exhausted and tired because he has fought for you, the American people. And how can you not love those beautiful, poised, and charming children? America, Barack is our America. Barack is our family. Barack is you. Barack is me.

Some say America's best years are behind us. Some say we are an imperial country, and Lord I hate that idea because what empire has given the people of the world so much? Has given so much to so many?

No, no, no, no! We are a giving people. We are a righteous people. Barack O'bama, a future world leader, a man that publics around the world are supporting, are rallying to, is the next, greatest, hope, for peace and prosperity. Think about it my fellow Republicans, Barack isn't even elected and the world has anointed him its leader. It is only in this party, a party of great individuals, where men and women rise because of their ability and not because of patronage, where excellence is cultivated, and we are beyond the petty identity politics which would allow a fraud, a hollow hope such as that Sarah Palin to be considered for vice president, that a man like Barack O'Bama could be nominated for president.

Barack, like Reagan, just as he stood before those wonderful Ivory white, Romanesque columns, that magisterial display that was our convention, will anoint a new era. America, following the leadership of this considered, confident, accomplished, and amazingly intelligent young man, will bring young and old together, healing the wounds of petty division, and crossing the divides of party to usher in a new American century. We, us, America, will once again be a beacon shining on the hill for all peoples starved of freedom, for all people who yearn for change, and for all Americans ready to walk forward into another century of American greatness.

Barack O'Bama you are our child of destiny. Barack O'Bama we are indeed lucky to have you as our future president.

The Niggaro Universe Proclaims: All Your Base Are Belong to Us!

I Think I Know What is Going on--The Niggaro Universe is Flooding Into Our Own

The last broadcast on the news said something about multiverse theory. These are the moments where I am thankful that I am such a geek.

Apparently, theoretical physicists have long known that there are all these universes overlapping one another. This isn't really a new idea, we just could never prove it.

Normally, you can't see or interact with these multiple universes except for those vague shadows you sometimes see--you know those shadow people--out of the corner of your eye or for the random sense of de ja vu we all sometimes get. We know something is there but we can't process it...and it can't hurt us. Now, the Hadron Collider has torn open a hole between our universe and another one. The scientists are turning off the Hadron Collider. And they are also using some type of heavy proton beam to accelerate their closing of the rift. But, the catch is that it won't close for a few days at least.

Damn, I hope we can all stay calm long enough for reality to come back to normal.

It seems that the effects are not consistent across the Earth. They seem to be related to our proximity to the Hadron Collider. In Europe things are totally crazy with knights and such running around downtown London. Vikings have apparently been sighted in the North Atlantic. In the U.S., the effects are more random and sporadic for now. But, the authorities are saying the entire world will be impacted by the "Hadron Wave" in a few hours. Let's just hold our breath and try to get through this together.

From what I can figure out from the signals we have received from the different tv stations in the reality that is overlapping ours (that reality knows something is up as well, their Earth is called "Niggaro" and they are as freaked out by this as we are), things are similar but also different. We all exist, but we may change somehow, or be influenced by our peers in the parallel universe. The rules as I have figured out are that most things are the same, so if we stay cool we should be fine. I am concerned because one of the scientists on the EBS said that the Niggaro universe has more dark matter so it may actually overwrite our reality for a time until things equalize and return to normal.

I am deeply disturbed by what I have discovered so far:

1. Obama is a white Republican named O'Bama;
2. Palin is a black woman who is a Democrat;
3. Biden is still the same, but instead is a Republican;
4. McCain is a maverick, populist Democrat.

This is going to be a wild ride...may God have mercy on us all.

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network Brings You the Following Emergency Announcement

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network has been asked to make the following announcement.

*****

This is not a test. We repeat this is not a test. This morning the Large Hadron collider in Switzerland was activated for the first time. This machine, which is designed to recreate the effects of the Big Bang, has created a chain reaction that is altering the relationship between space and time.

Scientists from around the world are working on correcting this problem. We advise all citizens, especially those in large cities, to remain in their homes or places of work. The federal government in conjunction with your local authorities are deploying police and National Guardsmen to maintain public order. Again, the Hadron Collider is causing citizens to hear voices, to see objects and people which are not there, and to experience a general sense of confusion and panic. Again, we urge all citizens to remain calm, to stay in their homes, and to follow any and all directions given to them by local, state, and federal authorities.

Your government is here for you and is diligently working to correct this problem. President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have been relocated to secure command centers where they are monitoring the day's developments. The presidential and vice presidential nominees have also been secreted away to secure locations.

More news will be broadcast as it becomes available. Again, you are all urged to remain calm as the world's best scientists are diligently working to correct this problem.

The World is coming Undone, What Type of Madness is this????

Something is really really wrong.

I urge all of you to put on your televisions and radios. I don't know what is really happening, but it is bizarre beyond belief. Luckily, the internet is still working...thank God that is the way the Department of Defense designed it. On television, there are all these images overlapping with the pictures already there. On CNN and Fox, the news is alternating between stuff that makes sense, and information which is totally non-nonsensical. Someone called my landline--thank God I still have one because the cell phones are down--and they were asking how I was doing, but I have no idea who they are, but they seemed to know a great deal about me.

This may sound crazy, but it was almost like I was doing acid again (I wasn't a good boy in college) and I saw all these strange things on the television. I am not kidding! On the news someone was doing a story where Obama was white and a Republican! Then they showed a picture of Sarah Palin and she was a black Democrat! And McCain was a Democrat too! Our reality is coming apart at the seams or something, it is almost like that comic book series Crisis on Infinite Earths with all the different Earth realities collapsing together. Or maybe the first Matrix when Neo wakes up from his dream. Hell, the world is going down the toilet and I am thinking of a comic book and the Matrix Movies. I must be really losing it...