Monday, September 15, 2008

We Can Finally Exhale: The Rift Between Our Universe and the Niggaro Universe has been Closed

It was a hell of a week wasn't it? I don't know exactly what happened because my memories are a bit fuzzy. Earlier today I received a phone call from Dr. Ronald Mallett, physicist at the University of Connecticut, and a fellow respectable negro. For those of you not in the know, this brother is working on time travel and is definitely a first ballot entry into the Ghetto Nerd Hall of Fame.

On the phone, Brother Mallett proclaimed: "Chauncey, I got the answer! I can close the Niggaro rift!" I was so confused I didn't get what he was talking about...I rattled off some nonsense about Black Republicans and being a Rush Limbaughesque news commentator. Thank god, Brother Mallet calmed me down, he simply said, "everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright."

It seems that Brother Mallet had been working on this problem for years and had actually anticipated that the Large Hadron Collider would tear a hole into the Niggaro Universe. His solution was simple. Brother Mallet decided to simply figure out the ratio of dark matter to "normal" matter in the Niggaro Universe and to send a heavy proton beam into that universe on an inverse frequency. This would create a unitary function that would in turn nullify the effects of the Niggaro Universe, and in turn, close the rift.

In essence, Dr. Mallet computed the inverse function of the unified field theory which was operative in the Niggaro Universe and found a way to send energy which would vibrate at the exact wave function necessary to close the convergence. I was utterly confused by his explanation. But, I intimately understood his formula:

The Foundational Matrix: The Time Haters

Variable 1: Call Me Mr. Tibbs!

Variable 2: Brother Bruce Lee

Variable 3: Some P-Funk

Radiation added: So Black and Cool it Glows

Isotope 1: Pryor's Genius

Isotope 2: Redd Foxx's Genius

Compound Zero: Ol'Dirty is Undefinable

Base 1: Dignity

Base 2: Pride

For the closing explosion--

Anti-Matter 1: Damn!

Anti-Matter 2: Even More Damn!!!

Matter 1: Genius

Matter 2: Use the Force!

Matter 3: Rakim Knows All

Matter 4: Too Cool

So that Our Universe Can Prepare the Niggaro Universe to be Conquered--Heavy Protons: Brother Malcolm

Thank you, thank you, thank you again, Brother Mallet for finding a way to get We Respectable Negroes back on track. I know we will be hearing from you again, but in the short term, let's get back to our task of exposing stupidity and foolishness wherever we may find it.

Conflict with the Niggaro Universe has renewed us. My respectable negroes and white allies, we are now ready to return to battle! In return for your dedication we promise you glory:


8thlight said...

Marvin Hagler put forth the the greatest 8 minutes in sports history!

BTW, the post was great, too! lol

chaunceydevega said...

thanks 8th light.

where you been lately?


8thlight said...

Hey! Life's just been pretty crazy lately. Lot's going on.

I shot you an e-mail a while ago, but I never heard back.

I'm still around just swamped with life at the moment. Haven't been able to hit up my favorite blogs as much as I'd like to lately.