Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network Brings You the Following Emergency Announcement

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network has been asked to make the following announcement.


This is not a test. We repeat this is not a test. This morning the Large Hadron collider in Switzerland was activated for the first time. This machine, which is designed to recreate the effects of the Big Bang, has created a chain reaction that is altering the relationship between space and time.

Scientists from around the world are working on correcting this problem. We advise all citizens, especially those in large cities, to remain in their homes or places of work. The federal government in conjunction with your local authorities are deploying police and National Guardsmen to maintain public order. Again, the Hadron Collider is causing citizens to hear voices, to see objects and people which are not there, and to experience a general sense of confusion and panic. Again, we urge all citizens to remain calm, to stay in their homes, and to follow any and all directions given to them by local, state, and federal authorities.

Your government is here for you and is diligently working to correct this problem. President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have been relocated to secure command centers where they are monitoring the day's developments. The presidential and vice presidential nominees have also been secreted away to secure locations.

More news will be broadcast as it becomes available. Again, you are all urged to remain calm as the world's best scientists are diligently working to correct this problem.

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