Weekend Laughs: Which is Funnier? Pastor Manning? The Coffin Preacher? Or the Casket Practical Joke?

Pastor Manning is at it again! You got's to love him. I think that some enterprising video game developer should make a first person shooter or role playing game featuring Pastor Manning--now I would buy that for a dollar!

Behold the coffin preacher:



As the blog Oh Hell Nawl put it, this video damn near made me poop myself:



So which of these is funniest? I vote for Pastor Manning as my default, because as you all know he is my personal happiness pill.

Question: Is Pastor Manning putting some sort of Christian science hoodoo curse on Barack Obama? We know that prayer is purported to be able heal the sick, but can a "reverse prayer" make sick the healthy?

Not casket related, but a worthy bonus. Question: if the following happened to you, would you not just go ahead and simply "bless" the fool?

Chauncey DeVega says: Don't Say We Don't Give Equal Time To Our Enemies or Pat Buchanan Says "America is Coming Apart"

Seeing that we got a great deal of mileage off of our faux interview with Pat Buchanan, it seems only fair to give him equal time and the chance to speak in his own words. Even more priceless is the fact that his latest editorial on WorldNetDaily is a real gem that even we could not parody-- lest we diminish its inherent schizophrenic, paranoid, xenophobic, madness. It seems there is indeed a culture war afoot...and folks like Buchanan are leading their foot soldiers straight through the gates of Hell.

@@@@

Is America Coming Apart?
By Patrick J. Buchanan

Flying home from London, where the subject of formal debate on the 70th anniversary of World War II had been whether Winston Churchill was a liability or asset to the Free World, one arrives in the middle of a far more acrimonious national debate right here in the United States.

At issue: Should Barack Obama be allowed to address tens of millions of American children, inside their classrooms, during school hours?

Conservative talk-show hosts saw a White House scheme to turn public schools into indoctrination centers where the socialist ideology of Obama would be spoon-fed to captive audiences of children forced to listen to Big Brother -- and then do assignments on his sermon.

The liberal commentariat raged about right-wing paranoia.

Yet Byron York of the Washington Examiner dug back to 1991 to discover that, when George H.W. Bush went to Alice Deal Junior High to speak to America's school kids, the left lost it.

"The White House turned a Northwest Washington junior high classroom into a television studio and its students into props," railed the Washington Post. Education Secretary Lamar Alexander was called before a House committee. The National Education Association denounced Bush. And Congress ordered the General Accounting Office to investigate.

Obama's actual speech proved about as controversial as a Nancy Reagan appeal to eighth-graders to "Just say no!" to drugs.

Yet, the episode reveals the poisoned character of our politics.

We saw it earlier on display in August, when the crowds that came out for town hall meetings to oppose Obama's health-care plans were called "thugs," "fascists," "racists" and "evil-mongers" by national Democrats.

We see it as Rep. Joe Wilson shouts, "You lie!" at the president during his address to a joint session of Congress.

We seem not only to disagree with each other more than ever, but to have come almost to detest one another. Politically, culturally, racially, we seem ever ready to go for each others' throats.

One half of America sees abortion as the annual slaughter of a million unborn. The other half regards the right-to-life movement as tyrannical and sexist.

Proponents of gay marriage see its adversaries as homophobic bigots. Opponents see its champions as seeking to elevate unnatural and immoral relationships to the sacred state of traditional marriage.

The question invites itself. In what sense are we one nation and one people anymore? For what is a nation if not a people of a common ancestry, faith, culture and language, who worship the same God, revere the same heroes, cherish the same history, celebrate the same holidays and share the same music, poetry, art and literature?

Yet, today, Mexican-Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo, a skirmish in a French-Mexican war about which most Americans know nothing, which took place the same year as two of the bloodiest battles of our own Civil War: Antietam and Fredericksburg.

Christmas and Easter, the great holidays of Christendom, once united Americans in joy. Now we fight over whether they should even be mentioned, let alone celebrated, in our public schools.

Where we used to have classical, pop, country & Western and jazz music, now we have varieties tailored to specific generations, races and ethnic groups. Even our music seems designed to subdivide us.

One part of America loves her history, another reviles it as racist, imperialist and genocidal. Old heroes like Columbus, Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee are replaced by Dr. King and Cesar Chavez.

But the old holidays, heroes and icons endure, as the new have yet to put down roots in a recalcitrant Middle America.

We are not only more divided than ever on politics, faith and morality, but along the lines of class and ethnicity. Those who opposed Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court and stood by Sgt. Crowley in the face-off with Harvard's Henry Louis Gates were called racists. But this time they did not back down. They threw the same vile word right back in the face of their accusers, and Barack Obama.

Consider but a few issues on which Americans have lately been bitterly divided: school prayer, the Ten Commandments, evolution, the death penalty, abortion, homosexuality, assisted suicide, affirmative action, busing, the Confederate battle flag, the Duke rape case, Terri Schiavo, Iraq, amnesty, torture.

Now it is death panels, global warming, "birthers" and socialism. If a married couple disagreed as broadly and deeply as Americans do on such basic issues, they would have divorced and gone their separate ways long ago. What is it that still holds us together?

The European-Christian core of the country that once defined us is shrinking, as Christianity fades, the birth rate falls and Third World immigration surges. Globalism dissolves the economic bonds, while the cacophony of multiculturalism displaces the old American culture.

"E pluribus unum" – out of many, one - was the national motto the men of '76 settled upon. One sees the pluribus. But where is the unum? One sees the diversity. But where is the unity?

Is America, too, breaking up?

Chauncey DeVega's World of Ghetto Nerds: Is Barack Obama a Zombie Who Wants to Eat Representative Joe Wilson's Brains?

We are going to do a more serious, incisive, and analytical post on President Obama's health care speech to Congress in a few hours, but because I am a ghetto nerd who loves Bro'Bama, and I will ride or die with the man, I feel that I can make the following observation.

Have any of you have seen the photo of President Obama on CNN's homepage?

Does he not look like one of the undead? Do you remember during the campaign when that kindly looking, black elder was trying to kiss him, a moment that many (including me) joked that she was a zombie trying to bite him? Could Bro'Bama be infected with the z-virus?

For your inspection, here is Barack Obama side by side with THE Romero zombie Bub from Day of the Dead, a little Black Zombie obligatorily thrown in from Land of the Dead--and Romero's cemetery zombie from Night of the Living Dead:

Do we have something to worry about? And after Congressman Joe Wilson's impolitic outburst, doesn't President Obama look like he wants to eat said offender's brains? Are we in the beginning stages of a full scale zombie apocalypse--a trickle down, brain eating, end of the world, scenario?

Do You Want to Win a Free Copy of Hill Harper's New Book "The Conversation?"

Another day, another set of prizes to give away.

Courtesy of Gotham Books, we are hosting a contest featuring Hill Harper's (the actor of CSI fame) new book "The Conversation." Hill's work, I just got my copy today and will be reading it on the bus to and from work, presents a light, insightful, and accessible user's manual for African American men and women to better understand that which keeps us apart (and hopefully what can bring us closer together). I am not a big fan of self-help books, but The Conversation is fun reading and I do recommend it.

Now, we respectable negroes have always talked around the dynamics surrounding gender relationships, but this contest seems like a great entry point into this impassioned conversation.

We respectable negroes also have a biting sense of humor-- so of course we can't just give copies of this book away. You all need to work to get this swag. In the spirit of the Church of James Brown (wasn't that a fun contest?), we bring you the chance to play ...insert drum roll...

Doctor For a Day: How Would You Diagnose the Problems that Plague Black Male and Female Relationships in the 21st century?

Each of the submissions should have the following format.

1. Tell us what the symptoms are of the patient (i.e. if the Black Male/Female relationship was a patient, what would he/she come to you as the doctor complaining about?)

2. What condition is the patient in? Please use this helpful guide:

Undetermined: Patient awaiting physician and assessment.

Good: Vital signs are stable and within normal limits. Patient is conscious and comfortable. Indicators are excellent.

Fair: Vital signs are stable and within normal limits. Patient is conscious, but may be uncomfortable. Indicators are favorable.

Serious: Vital signs may be unstable and not within normal limits. Patient is acutely ill. Indicators are questionable.

Critical: Vital signs are unstable and not within normal limits. Patient may be unconscious. Indicators are unfavorable.

3. How would you cure this patient? And yes, euthanasia is a fair answer.

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As an example, if I were to submit a response, here is what mine would likely be.

I was the attending physician for the Black Relationship's visit to the emergency room on September 8, 2009. The patient arrived complaining of shortness of breath, headaches, and swollen joints. There were suspicious marks on the forearms and chest that would suggest defensive injuries from an attack, cutting, or a history of domestic violence. The patient's neck also displayed scarring consistent with being burned by hot grits or cooking oil.

In addition, the patient described acute conditions that are associated with a generalized anxiety disorder. I ran a standard exam and the vitals were within a normal range. However, said patient's blood pressure was extremely high (both systolic and diastolic) . When questioned about its lifestyle habits, the Black Relationship became upset, confused, and belligerent. He/she was paranoid and fixated on a deep internal schism around love and acceptance. There was also a repeated reference to "interracial dating," "white people stealing our good women and men," something called "BMW," as well as to "Angry Black Women." I suggested that the Black Relationship consult a mental health professional. At first resistant because of cultural norms, the patient quite wisely and lucidly agreed to do so in the future.

Physically the patient is in FAIR condition. However, the mental and emotional state of the patient is SERIOUS.

My PRESCRIPTION for the Black Relationship is intensive psychotherapy, a series of in depth physicals, as well as a consultation with a nutritionist.

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Be as creative as you would like. Yes, the topic of the book is black male and female love relationships, but all folk can participate. If you are one of our gay/lesbian/bi/trans family share your thoughts. If you are one of our white allies and think that bad relationships (especially the "struggle" of upwardly mobile women to find "comparable" mates) are a pandemic and not isolated to any one group please be creative and send in your story as well. But again, all submissions have to link back to the central focus of the contest.

In short have fun. We are giving away 3 copies of the book. But, I will probably have some additional prizes for the runners-up.

You Make the Call: George Clinton's Maggot Brain versus Metallica's Unforgiven

Totally random. I just got back from seeing the one and only George Clinton (can you smell the p-funk on me?) at the Africafest in Chicago. Gordon and his queen were also in attendance. At the climax of the show--one song before "Flashlight"--George Clinton's boy Michael Hampton played "Maggot Brain." Am I just that late to the party, but did Metallica borrow some of "Unforgiven's" chord progressions from Parliament's "Maggot Brain?"



In union, Gordon, his queen, and I noticed the similarities between the two songs. Are we crazy? What are some other funk-rock-metal borrowings/samplings/collaborations that are so obvious they have subsequently gone under the radar for most listeners? Enlighten me please as I enjoy adding those selections to my music rotation.

I am still waiting for the mothership!



I wonder if Riley Martin will get me a seat on the next outbound shuttle to Alpha Centauri?

When We Countenance Evil Anywhere, It Diminishes All of Us Everywhere: Father Wants Son's Beating Treated as Hate Crime

As we discussed earlier this week. Where is the outrage? And where is the "social justice" community? Remember, when we countenance evil anywhere, it diminishes all of us everywhere...

from CNN:

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Brian Milligan Sr. believes his son's race triggered a brutal attack on the streets of Buffalo, New York.

Armed with a chunk of concrete, several assailants beat Brian Milligan Jr. on the back of the head on August 18, leaving a 3-inch gash. They kicked him in the face, breaking his jaw.

Bloodied and bruised, the 18-year-old managed to walk five blocks to his grandmother's house before being rushed to the hospital.

Milligan's father believes several African-Americans beat his son, who is white, because he is dating an African-American woman. He wants police to treat the beating as a hate crime. He also has criticized what he calls a deafening silence from the community, police and the national media.

"If this was a black guy who was beaten by a group of white guys for dating a white girl, people would be up in arms," he said. "There's a double standard."

Buffalo police believe a group of about 10 to 15 African-American men attacked Milligan late at night, police spokesman Mike DeGeorge said. Police have made no arrests and are still investigating the motive, he said.

Milligan Sr. says he believes the attackers are the same "neighborhood guys" who threatened his son and his African-American girlfriend because of their interracial relationship.

The younger Milligan and his girlfriend, Nicola Fletcher, who is also 18, had recently complained of an increase in insults and threats in east Buffalo, where Fletcher lives and where Milligan was staying with his grandmother, Fletcher said.

"Every time they walk the streets, people stop him and call him 'cracker' and ask her why she's not with a black guy," Milligan Sr. said.

Two days before the attack, Fletcher said she was shot with paintball pellets by the same group of neighborhood aggressors.

"I'm afraid to walk the streets," she said. "Those guys are still out there."

Police "are making good progress in the case," said DeGeorge, the police spokesman. Investigators are still trying to determine if it should be declared a hate crime.

They have asked members of the community to call police if they have any information.

When Milligan was taken to Erie County Medical Center, he was unconscious and suffered blood on the brain and brain swelling as a result of the beating. He will see a neurosurgeon on September 10 to be evaluated, said his father.

He is now recovering at home and remembers nothing about the attack, which has made the police investigation even more difficult.

The story has touched a nerve with several members of Buffalo's African-American community, including a local pastor who leads a predominantly black church in Buffalo.

"At first, it didn't affect me the way that it would have if I heard it was a black teen attacked," said the Rev. Darius Pridgen, who spent years fighting for civil rights for African-Americans.

"But after I saw his father on TV pleading with the community to find the assailants, I decided I had to go after the people who beat this kid."

Pridgen said he felt that the community has turned a collective blind eye to the beating. So he gave a fire-and-brimstone sermon at the True Baptist Church on a Sunday after the attack, appealing to his congregation to help find the culprits.

"He didn't deserve to be beaten this way," Pridgen recalled saying at the service. "If you believe this, put your hands together."

If it was a black teen, Pridgen said, "We would have been protesting with flags and everything else."

Rod Watson also addressed the issue in his column in the Buffalo News. Watson, who is black, pointed out that interracial marriages are nearly 10 times higher than they were in 1960, according to U.S. Census data, but still those couples have a tough time being accepted by society.

"If blacks in Buffalo in 2009 are acting like whites in Selma in 1959, this society has big problems, despite electing a president who is himself the product of an interracial union," Watson said.

Judy Milligan, a community activist and Brian Milligan Jr.'s great-aunt, said she has been overwhelmed with support from her friends, both black and white.

Mary Woods, a member of Buffalo's African-American community, reached out to Milligan to offer her support.

"I don't care what color you are, when something like this happens, justice must be served," Woods said. "There had to be someone who saw something, and they should come forward."

Milligan Sr. has criticized the Buffalo Police Department for spending too much time "trying to prove this crime wasn't a hate crime instead of performing a solid investigation."

But DeGeorge said the department is pursuing the attackers with the same vigor as it would any crime.

"People tend to want crimes solved yesterday," DeGeorge said. "We are performing a thorough investigation and that takes time."

He expressed optimism that Buffalo residents would come forward to help bring the perpetrators to justice.

The Power of White Women's Tears (Redux) or Right Wing Mother Cries over Barack Obama's Speech to School Children

A colleague who forwarded the above clip to me summed it up best with his email that:

John,

Let's be honest. These people are straight up racist fucks. If Obama weren't black, they'd be half-way okay with things. They believe "their world" is under some sort of assault from "socialism" and other concepts they are literally too stupid to understand (or appreciate). They didn't mind or protest those ridiculous "red/orange/yellow alerts" at the airport or all the other BS from Bush. There are a lot of lunatics out there. Nearly all are Republicans. I hope they die. Or I wish I could trade them for some endangered species like polar bears...

IVAN

****

I must point out the obvious mouth-breathing, Joe Q. Public, 50th percentile, the masses are indeed asses observation that, "politics is totally up to the family." Huh? Again, where, and in how many ways, has the educational system failed us? Sure, family is a primary location of political socialization, but THE only one? Come on.

This woman's tears has inspired me to start a new feature: every time a Conservative (of if appropriate a Liberal) becomes histrionic about Barack Obama--and their only real motivation for said complaining and panic is the fact that the President of the United States is a Black man--I will play an appropriate video clip.

Today's installment of "we are really upset that a Black man is President but we don't have the courage to tell you is"...

Chauncey DeVega says: A Mugging On Lake Street or Let's Talk Honestly About Ignt's, Black on White Violence, and Liberal (or Not) Guilt

Hat tip to Ta-Nehisi Coates for this one. I was a victim of an attempted robbery at gunpoint (by a young black ign't) and am thus a bit too close to this story to offer a traditional essay.

Consequently, I have more questions than answers and will share accordingly.

I must applaud John Conroy's honesty in sharing the complex mix of feelings he experienced in the aftermath of his attack by a group of black hoodlums. For the uninitiated, Conroy is a local Chicago journalist who is good people and has worked diligently to highlight injustices wherever he has found them. In total, Conroy is a sincere defender of the "powerless" and the "disadvantaged"--how ironic then, when a member of said group viciously attacks him.

In reading "A Mugging on Lake Street" I must ask: what happens when you are one of the good guys (in this case a self-avowed, white progressive) and you are betrayed by those folks who you are invested in helping? Do you give up the fight? Should you? Or is this betrayal a litmus test for how deep one's commitment to a cause really is?

For example, if a person is invested in rehabilitating pitbulls, and one of those poor abused souls does not return the generosity of your deeds--except for a sudden and painful bite...so much just rewards for your hard work--are you a fool for continuing with that cause? How do we reconcile the moment of praxis that occurs when theory meets practice?

Did these ign'ts attack Conroy because he was white? Or did they attack him because he happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time? Are these predators so utterly unreflective, and controlled by their base impulses, that to assign any amount of premeditation to their deeds functions as an ironic, backhanded "complement"--one which they are not worthy of receiving?

When you hear about instances such as Conroy's attack, does your mind wander to the inevitable question, "what if a group of white kids had attacked a local black journalist? Wouldn't there be protests?" More generally, what of our common humanity? I bring hell down on white folks when they don't stand up for justice, and I try to bring the same rain down upon black and brown folk as well: Where were/are Sharpton et al. when hate crimes are committed against White people?

Or is this is a story of power, where "the powerful" i.e. White people, have enough advocates already? Thus, those who speak for the "weak" cannot and must not divert their attention from that cause? Or is the reluctance on the part of the media, public intellectuals, and activists to turn a bright light on hate crimes against whites a function of how these violent incidents are often taken as a cause de celebre by White Nationalists and other hate mongers, and thus there exists a natural aversion to giving said groups any additional ammunition?

Finally, what is more disturbing? "Larry's" behavior? Or that of the "responsible" adults around him? Is it not at all surprising that so many young black men end up in prison as much because of poor choices, as because of how those around them act as enablers? What is the over/under on how long until this young ign't, piece of human debris ends up in prison? I say 2 years, 5 on the outside. What is your bet?

Am I too callous, when after reading these stories I shake my head and say incidents such as these aren't about race at all? That instead these happenings are more precisely a commentary on the thin dividing line which separates the civilized and the savage--and that Conroy is actually lucky because if he were black those young ign'ts might have just as soon killed him?

Some choice excerpts:

I was willing to believe that this was just an example of the inexplicable teenage mind at work. Carolyn Frazier, a Northwestern law professor who often represents juveniles facing criminal charges, told me recently that her clients sometimes use the phrase “going on dummy” to describe doing something stupid, something bad, offering “a big ‘fuck you’ to society. . . . It’s that whole frontal cortex issue: They are just incredibly impulsive; they are not thinking about the higher consequences.” Of course, not every kid behaves that way, so there’s obviously more at work. “It’s peer pressure; it’s what you see in your neighborhood, what values you are being raised with; it’s all sorts of things.” Maybe, she said, “you got dummied.”

“Some people are just thugs,” an African American friend of mine said. And I thought there might be something to that. I just had the bad luck to run into one—they come in all colors—and perhaps mine was an equal opportunity thug. Maybe if I’d been black, I’d have hit the same piece of pavement.

****

Larry sat still for all of this, his eyes downcast. Aaronson asked him to reply. “Wasn’t no motive,” he said quietly, his voice hardly carrying to Aaronson’s end of the table. “Nothin’ like that.” He was hesitant, didn’t seem to be able to look at me directly, and there was no trace of cockiness or street toughness. “We was playing basketball at school, and then we got off the train, and one of the guys said, ‘Let’s do somethin’.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Like beat up somebody.’ Thirty seconds later you came riding by on your bike.”

Larry maintained that he wasn’t the guy who’d hit me. He said that he hadn’t objected to the plan, and that afterward he had just run away with the others. “Seeing the way it happened, I had no feeling. Didn’t know what to feel.” The whole thing had nothing to do with race, he said. “If it was any other person in that state of mind we was in as a group, it would have happened to anyone. . . . Really wasn’t no reason. Just kids doing kids.”

“Why didn’t you steal anything?” I asked.

“Wasn’t part of the plan.”

****

I left feeling somewhat whole. During the session, Larry had yawned, stretched, and cleaned his fingernails with a pen, but he’d also said he regretted being part of the incident. I thought he had learned something. When his mother had asked him how he’d feel in my shoes, he’d said, “I’d be filled with hate.” I’d asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. “I want to play in the NBA,” he said. I later learned that in his two years of high school he’d passed a total of one class. Clearly I was better off, even unemployed, than he was or might ever be.

****

I called seven more times, trying at hours when I thought I might catch Larry but not his aunt, but had no success. Finally, I called on Memorial Day. Larry’s aunt answered and said her husband wanted to talk to me. “I don’t see what it is that you want to know,” he said. “You got mugged, he got in trouble. So what is it that you want to know?”

“I’d just like to know what is behind it, what happened that day.”

“So, what you writing—a book, a movie, or what?”

“No, I’m just trying to write a magazine article. I’m not using—”

He interrupted before I could explain I wasn’t going to use Larry’s name. “Oh, you just writing a magazine article? That means you gonna get paid.”

“That’s right.”

“So is he gonna get paid?”

“No.”

“Okay, then he ain’t gonna do the interview. I am his uncle, and that’s the end of that. Thank you. Have a nice day.” He hung up.

Dan Savage on Beck, Malkin, Bachmann, Palin et al.--They Basically Want to See the President Assassinated

I have completed my move back into Chicago--and will be moving again in a week--I thought I would be able to live comfortably next to the subway but I ain't that strong (I think the CIA should just take suspected terrorists and put them in an overpriced apartment next to the CTA or Metra and wait the obligatory 3 days until said terrorist begs for mercy).

Until I get settled in, here is a quickie to tide you over--my boy Dan Savage, yes Dan Savage of "Savage Love" fame--offering some analysis of the death cult that is Beck, Limbaugh, et al.

Who would have thought that the father of "santorum" and one of my favorite advocates of booty love would be so sharp.

Kudos to you Mr. Savage.

Here is a bonus:

What Would Should a Respectable Negro Do?

I work with a white guy I’ve known for years. We are somewhere in between good friends and casual acquaintances. He is a stand up guy and a raging liberal (he has all the symptoms of liberal overcompensation syndrome: he is from a small, lily white suburban town; his parents are super-conservative). We talk politics and race frequently, and we both employ sarcasm and humor when talking about these things.

So, this guy and I were in a meeting, and he wrote a bunch of things on the whiteboard. When we were finished, he smiled, tossed me the eraser, and said, “Here you go, clean this up for me” (I’ve made similar jokes to him in the past). I shot back “Oh, so the black man has to clean up after you?” We both laughed.

As I stood up to leave the room, I saw the black janitor emptying the trash. I’m fairly positive that he heard us even though he gave no indication that he did. As I’m one of the few men in our office, the janitor and I end up talking a lot every afternoon. He’s never mentioned anything about this, and there’s been no change in the tone of our discussions.

I feel terrible, even though I don’t think the joke is really offensive. Should I feel bad about the joke? Should I apologize to the janitor?

What would should a respectable negro do?