Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Thursday Prayer: Lord, Please Let Herman Cain's Accusers be Big Fat White Women

They say that you should never pray for personal enrichment or gain. Moreover, your prayers should be for the benefit of others. I am unsure if the prayer I am about to offer fits neatly into those guidelines. With the Great Recession, an anemic job market, and America possessed by an existential malaise, we could all use a good laugh.

So please don't blame me for what I am about to write. It is all my mother's fault, a little black lady from Shelbyville, North Carolina who pointed out that Herman Cain looks like a black version of Bill O'Reilly, and that he is likely a sex pervert who wants to have kinky sex with fat white women. She says that with no malice by the way, as some of her best friends are big fat white women.

Moms said I should offer up a prayer on that "website thing" I write on so that maybe God will answer it. I am a good son who cannot deny her anything.

A Prayer for Herman Cain

God; Krom; the Blessed Exchequer; JC Most High; Soul Brother Number One,

I have a favor to ask. I don't pray often and do not really have a tongue for it. I know you have my back as so many random things have happened in my life to my benefit that they cannot all be by accident. Yes, I am a bit of a deist and am a spiritual person. I have no interest in religion. I make no apologies as this is how you made me. In my heart I know what matters: you do intervene in life to make things right, when we help ourselves, and to smooth over the rough patches. I also know that you have a great sense of humor.

God, you are really creative. You made the universe and filled it up with dark matter as a type of joke on all us. You made aliens who travel between the stars just to put probes in people's butts. You put events into motion that created hip hop, the Wu-Tang Clan, and Biggie just to take it all away from us with coontastic minstrelesque Southern ringtone rap. You also made Halle Berry, Rosario Dawson, Zoe Saldana, and Rihanna. You have allowed an average guy like me to bed some beautiful women...just to eventually get tired of them. You are a trickster who makes bets with the devil just to prove a point about faith.

I have a favor to ask. The American people are really stressed out right now. We are trying to find a way in the world, and so many of us are hungry, scared, and worried about the future.

There is a good amount of evidence which suggests that laughter is actually healing for the body and the soul. It would make sense that you designed us that way.

I know that you are very busy, and maybe will have to delegate this to an intern, but please, if at all possible, could the women who were sexually harassed by Herman Cain be big fat white women? You know I have love for all of humanity. But, the visual of new age race minstrel Herman Cain chasing around a big fat white women would be a joy to behold. Yes, I know that stereotypes are wrong. I also know that they can be really funny.

One more quick request.

If you are feeling especially generous, could Herman Cain have also exposed himself to them, or offered up some flirtatious innuendo fit for a Moms Mabsley, Dolemite, or Lawanda Page?

Thank you, the American people could use the laugh.


Henri B. said...

Awwww, Wu-Tang. I miss them.

Privately, I hoped that the women were white just so he can finally learn what his brothers-of-the-similar-waterfountain really think of him. For me it would feel more like a prodigal son moment than the exquisite elation I will feel when Rick Santorum gets caught with a gay hooker.

Not sure why it's different here as they are both loathsome human beings. In-groups and out-groups, I suppose.

Dorothy Potter Snyder said...

Funny and interesting too! Didn't know about the big fat white women thing, probably because I have failed to study Jerry Springer's show carefully.

Have you seen this in our local Durham paper, The Voice for Black Choice? A little commentary on the race equation in the Occupy Movement.




your inimitable commentary, por favor.

Alliyah Gallows said...

the Blessed Exchequer

DS9 fan, I take it?

Shady_Grady said...

You do realize of course Chauncey that you are severely disturbed...


freez said...

Why was i surfing for just such pictures earlier today? God is on our side!

Anonymous said...

LOL! Amen!

Constructive Feedback said...

Wow Chauncey I have to recalibrate my assumptions of you - downward.

Here I was noting that tomorrow is the first Friday of the month and I was HOPING that all of the 'Occupations' did not suppress the number of jobs that will be created in the October Employment Report and thus potentially drag the economy into a tailspin.

chaunceydevega said...

@Tanya. Wu remains the truth--live anyway. They haven't lost a step. I am going to check them out in January here in Chicago.

@Urban. Don't fib. You know all about some black men's love of larger white women. There is actually a piece on marriage markets and interracial marriage I read years ago from a prof at Columbia that has some great modeling to back up the logic of such pairings.

@Ank. Of course. Sisko be the truth.

@Shady. Rubs belly while writing and rubbing oneself with chitlins and butter...I am very, very disturbed, more so than you could possibly imagine.

@Freez. I sense a disturbance in the force. the truth will be known soon.

@Sabrinabee. Amen sister! You feeling moved?

@Constructive. You are no fun. Do you get paid to be so dour and grumpy. I judge myself by my foes. Given that you dislike me more it means that I am doing something right!

Brotha Wolf said...

"Herman Cain looks like a black version of Bill O'Reilly, and that he is likely a sex pervert who wants to have kinky sex with fat white women."

He must be O'Reilly's clone secretly created by an underground science and biology facility sponsored by right-wing extremists and conservative billionaires to create the perfect house negro for the republican party using O'Reilly's genes and those of other black conservatives.

Constructive Feedback said...

[quote]I judge myself by my foes. Given that you dislike me more it means that I am doing something right![/quote]

Mr Charlie - I mean Chauncey:


I love you (and Mr Thrasher) like brothers.

You are merely ill and confused.

While we can both agree that we had our "African Culture STOLEN FROM US" - some of us are more apprised to understand that certain Negroes operate with this VOID that they referenced after the "theft".

I was wondering - per the crazy interview that Jonathan Capehart gave to your friends at MSNBC claiming that White CONSERVATIVES are fearful of criticizing a Black Conservative like Cain:..............

When you had the privileged of sitting in the guest chair of the White Progressive who is entertaining you on their show (Schultz or the Lawyer guy. Or if you have ever talked to O'Donnell or Maddow)...........

DO YOU actually believe that when they don't come after you as they do Herman Cain - that your "AGREEABLE SKIN COLOR" is what they are pleased with OR your "CONSPIRING IDEOLOGY"?

They don't have to say "Our Blacks" with you. They only need to say "We Fellow Progressives" and this is enough for you not to wonder why Chris Matthews is not concerned about the high rate of Black support for Obama as he is the eroded WHITE SUPPORT for Obama.

Does this ever cross your mind Mr DeVega - especially when you attach this to the real world conditions within the Black community? (Education, economics, crime)

Are you sure that the main thing that your disposition does to benefit you is that you don't have to "Go Inside" to see your own contents?

CNu said...
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