Monday, July 19, 2010

The Rumble in the Tea Party Jungle: Black Tea Bagger David Webb versus White Bigot Mark Williams

I love turning a premise on its head. Given that Mark Williams was working in what was essentially race minstrelsy in his dig at the NAACP, let's use his logic to skewer the New Right and the Tea Party instead.


So the Tea Party has repudiated unapologetic bigot Mark Williams, author of the notorious "Letter to Abraham Lincoln from 'the Coloreds.'" Remember, politics is chess. It is not checkers. I don't trust these neo-John Birchers to act in the interest of justice, intelligence, wisdom or the like for that is against their modus operandi. Moreover, white racial resentment is the fuel and fire for the Tea Party, so one must ask "Why repudiate Mark Williams now? What is to be gained? Will this 'rebranding' help legitimize the Tea Party?"

Thus, I have been asking myself the following: What was the conversation like between black conservative garbage pail kid slave catcher David Webb (he who went on Face the Nation and swung the Sword of Damocles) and his white masters before the expulsion of Mark Williams? How did the tea bagger elite convince one of the few non-white members in a movement that draws on the waste water of white supremacy for its strength, to condemn a white bigot, a hero of the tea bagger rank and file brigands? What transpired? And what promises were made?

So then, let us indulge our imaginations as we reconstruct that conversation:

The Tea Party: Hi boy. How are you feeling today? You know we love you, don't you?

David Webb: Yessa sir. I knows how much you loves us poor negroes. You is good white folk. I be know that.

The Tea Party: So we have a problem. We brought you and other minorities into our family for a reason. Michelle Malkin, Alan Keyes, Kenneth Gladney, Shelby Steele, and you fit into this grand American project because you have the courage to do things we cannot. You all are special. You good minority Americans know that right? Be our friends and we will take care of that. Got me?

David Webb: Oh yes. Oh yes sir my boss man! We be workin' for you good white people all's the time! I ain't a common niggrah like those other ones. I be a good one. What you needs me to do? Please, I will do whatever you be asking!

The Tea Party: Which way does trouble roll?

David Webb: I be understand that stuff. It be going downhill sir. I learned that lesson real good so many years ago!

The Tea Party: You are a good black Conservative. Excellent. You do pay close attention to your lessons. Okay then. You are going to appear on the tv and condemn Mark Williams.

David Webb: Condemn? You mean like condom? What a man puts on his pee pee to keep the baby making juice from coming out?

The Tea Party: No, I mean that we tell them they are bad people.

David Webb: I get's that pretty easy. I am a good house negro. I am no rapscallion runway with that touch of the rascality. I am a good black conservative. I like you. I don't cause no trouble. Whatever it be you want I is gonna help you.

The Tea Party: I love you. White folk love you. You know that right?

David Webb: Oh yes! I knows you loves me. What do I need to say on that there talking box with the pictures you smart people call the television?

The Tea Party: Say that Mark Williams is a bad white man and that we good white patriots in the Tea Party are not racists. Can you do that?

David Webb: Oh yes sir. Oh good Lord I know that to be true! Lordie Jesus I be dons't able to do that. I will even put on my good white people voice. I can be reals smart when you all let me. The good white folk won't even know what is going on! They will be so happy to see me. But massa I can't be vouching for how those darkies and bad niggrahs in the fields will be criticizing me. They may see through the whole bamboozle! I be scared. I know you promised to reward me for being a good house negro but I don't want no troubles. I is scared...

The Tea Party: Know your place boy. Have we ever failed you? Are those coloreds who work with us taken care of?

David Webb: Absolutely mister! We got good jobs. Kenneth Gladney, Lloyd Marcus, even Dr. King's niece she be mighty happy on that good white man Glenn Beck's show. Her uncle such a bad colored, now she be trying to do right. I hope she can fit things right to be makin' up for her uncle's sins. That bad Dr. King was such a disobedient black against the good white man. It made me and my kin so sad.

You knows I be sorry for questionin' you. I get out my place sometime. I know that Glenn Beck and you will take care of me. I is scared sometime is all. Us coloreds we get scared 'cause we ain't got the courage of the white man.

The Tea Party: Good boy. That lazy unqualified Clarence Thomas is doing good isn't he?

David Webb: Oh massa he is! You be right! If he can make it I know I can!

The Tea Party: Excellent. You know the way to get even with and neutralize those liberal whites and those NAACP negro trouble makers is to set black against black. So, those liberals in the media will send a colored against you when you go on the television. Do what we say and you will be fine. Trust me you will be rewarded. Be our mouthpiece and all things will be fine. Understand boy?

David Webb: Yes sir! I get's you! This be so great, I can't wait to go on that big talking picture show with the box and condemn, that is how you be done say it right?, that bad white man Mark Williams. This be so good.

The Tea Party: Negro watch your place. Don't you ever ever ever talk bad about no White man! Don't you ever!

David Webb: I's is sorry. I know's we be on the same team. Sometimes I get's excited and uppity is all. That happens to we negroes. Can't help it. We be too emotional. I will do a good job. Not to mouthy or sharp tongued just good enough. I will make it clear he be a good white man. Maybe he just a bit confused and how you be saying, "misdirected," that is a mouthful for a negro like me. Does that be okay? Please say yes? We black conservatives just want to please you boss...

The Tea Party: Good boy. You know your place. Do that interview and we good white Tea Party folk will change up our game! You colored tea baggers are good people. Real good. You make our lives so much easier. I hope you know that. Just keep being good and we will reward you.

David Webb: As long as there be sunshine I be taking in those rewards. We love how you good white folk pat us on the head and let us know we be good. I be dons't showin' that bad white man Mark Williams that he is a racist and then you good folk will reward us black conservatives! Sure 'nuff we be eatin' high on the hog tonight, I ain't never leavin' the white man's plantation! Thanks you boss for being such a good massa! We black conservatives love you all 'cause you let us be special!

The Tea Party: Good boy. Good boy. It best you know your place and you will be rewarded as you know. Now go back to your work cleaning those toilets and mopping our floors and we will call you when you are needed again. But don't you get's too far out of our sight cause you coloreds, even conservatives like that Michael Steele have a tendency to roam. Boy, don't you forget your slave pass. Not ever...

David Webb: I got's my pass right here. But boss you be knowing I don't need it, I am mighty comfortable right here on our plantation and in our big house 'cause you do takes such good care of us.

The Tea Party: We do. That we do.

David Webb: Oh yessa that be correct. Thank you massa and I be at your beck and call like all the other good black conservatives when you be calling on us! We lives to serve, that we do!


R-SON said...

WHOA!! That's harsh fam. Maybe not far off, but truly harsh

chaunceydevega said...

Harsh is as harsh does. As I say, these people have no personal integrity and deserve everything they get.