Monday, July 14, 2008

Chauncey DeVega says: Operation Blackout and Jesse Jackson's Anti-Obama Outburst Explained

To: The Council of Negro Elders, Midwest Division
From: Chauncey DeVega, field operative
Re: Operation Blackout's Success with Principal Targets Jesse Jackson and Bernie Mack

It has been several months since my initial reports on Operation Crabs in a Barrel and the Obama-Wright Affair. As outlined in my earlier recommendations, the Wright doppelganger has been under close surveillance. Also, in my efforts to determine how to best contain the threat posed by Reverend Wright, I have consulted with our experts in the psychic warfare division (their particular brand of "science" has always made me a bit nervous, and these most recent encounters are no exception). Ultimately, these meetings gave birth to Operation Blackout.

Operation Blackout's principal goal is to push undecided and swing voters to the Obama camp through the application of covert means such as the use of remote mind-control and personality conditioning, as well as the deployment of agent provocateurs within the McCain camp and at Fox News (by example, our cultivation of Geraldine Ferraro and Bill Clinton worked wonderfully, and Agent 69's seduction of both targets was rewarded with a commendation and promotion).

Our intelligence division correctly identified the dynamics of Obama's weakness among "hard working white voters" some time ago and we have been scrambling to find a solution. McCain's closing of the gap with Obama in several polls is further evidence that we must initiate more radical plans if we are to ensure an Obama victory. Unfortunately, some in the white working class may be beyond either the reach of normal political appeals to material self interest, or to the wisdom of voting for Obama as a function of common sense.

Several months ago, we became aware that a sleeper cell of Greater Opposition Party (GOP) agents had been activated in Flag City. This area has long been a hotbed of GOP activity and we have kept it under close scrutiny (in fact, Flag City was originally one of the "model communities" that Cobra's elite Crimson Guard had infiltrated in the mid 1980s) . As is typical GOP standard operating procedure, they chose to hide their control over the city in plain sight--the same way the Soviets used to operate with their command and control centers during the Cold War--and even went so far as to have their contacts at the Washington Post write a feature story about Flag City's residents.

Even when allowing for ideologically rooted ambivalence towards Barack Obama, the levels of anti-Obama animus among Flag City residents was shockingly high. Following through on my concerns, I pursued an intuition and inserted a small team into the hills surrounding Flag City to begin a more intensive surveillance campaign. I also requisitioned one of the new Reaper drones from an ally in Air Force Intelligence. This drone was put on alert and began signals intelligence over Flag City. On my orders, this drone was equipped with a high band electromagnetic energy spectrum analyzer. As expected, the drone detected anomalous readings from within Flag City. My worst fears were confirmed: the GOP was in fact controlling the residents of Flag City with a Brainwave Scanner.

It has been several years since we last came upon one of these horrific devices. As a reminder, the original devices were limited to targeting a very small area, and were ideally used for controlling only one person at a time. The energy readings from the device we detected in Flag City were orders of magnitude greater than those emitted by the comparatively simple models in use some decades ago. As per standing orders (whenever a grade one threat is encountered standing order 101 allows us to circumvent the Posse Comitatas Act and deploy our forces on U.S. soil) I deployed our troops with the following mission: 1) to seize the device with a minimal loss of life, and 2) remain unseen and unidentified by the residents of Flag City.

A small group was inserted into the town where it was supplemented by some former members of Task Force 145 (Delta commandos and Seal Team 6 mostly, with some operators from 1st Recon in the mix as well) who have joined our cause. The strike team formed a perimeter around the main science building of the local university, forced entry, and applied non-lethal force to subdue the human security in the area. Our team did encounter a surprise upon breaching the control room for the Brainwave Scanner: Battle Android Troopers (BATS) were defending the device. Fortunately, the team had deployed with a targeted EMP device and were able to deactivate the BATS without damaging the Brainwave Scanner).

Note: upon reading the after action report I was reminded of our early struggles against those damn machines and how they make those robots from the Terminator films look like children's toys.

The presence of both the BATS and the Brainwave Scanner pointed to the presence of one obvious foe, Dr. Mindbender:

We believed that Dr. Mindbender was "off the grid." True, he had recently worked with Roger Ailes at Fox News and was a long time confidante and adviser to Karl Rove, but after the Iraq debacle it was thought that Mindbender had decided to ply his craft overseas. Luck was with us again, as Mindbender was seized while attempting to leave town via speedboat and he was immediately secreted away to one of our safe houses.

Mindbender is a treasure trove of knowledge regarding mind control, interrogation techniques, psychic operations, and the occult (his father and grandfather were key members of Hitler's Thule society and were indispensable to the Nazi's efforts to obtain the Spear of Destiny). It was at this point that I made the faithful decision to move forward with a plan to deploy the Brainwave Scanner in order to influence key opinion leaders, targets of opportunity, and any others who could be used for our cause.

Personal Note: this decision has caused me no small amount of anxiety and doubt. Yes, there is a precedent for working with a war criminal for the greater good (our use of Nazi scientists to develop the space program following World War 2 comes to mind), but I still hope that we are making the right choice. Our plan will certainly raise some eyebrows when in the far future its full dimensions come to light (as is common to all of our missions, Operation Blackout's records will be sealed for 100 years). I am a firm believer in our democracy, but from time to time it must be helped along. I know I both speak for the agents under my command, as well as reflect your leadership, when I state that it is this common faith in our cause which empowers us to make these types of difficult decisions.

Operation Blackout began with several small tests of concept and operation which proved immediately successful (the singer in Denver who substituted the Black National Anthem for the Star Spangled Banner was our first target). Rather than attempt to influence the public in mass through a direct application of the Brainwave Scanner, a rather clumsy tactic in my opinion, I developed a counter-intuitive strategy with a high level of plausible deniability.

For phase one, I developed a list of targets according to the following criteria: What persons could be turned against Obama, and through their actions draw white voters towards Obama's camp? Accordingly, this application of the truism "the enemy of my enemy is my friend," involves provoking blacks (and others) that many in the the white public have extreme dislike for into attacking Obama. Phase Two will involve the conditioning of prominent conservatives, individuals who should by all measures be against Obama, into eventually supporting his candidacy for president. The sum effect of Operation Blackout will be a net gain for Obama in the presidential campaign.

Operation Blackout's first targets include(d)

1. Jesse Jackson
2. Bernie Mack

Both of these targets followed their programming. Jesse Jackson was programmed to express a desire to "cut Obama's nuts off" for "talking down to Black people." Although, he was not programmed to do so, Jesse Jackson may have used even stronger language to describe Obama (we are still analyzing the tapes). Mindbender believes that this second outburst, if it did in fact occur, was a result of the Brainwave Scanner freeing Jackson to state opinions that he may in fact deeply hold. In total, we believe that the Jackson-Fox event is pushing whites towards Obama--Fox News's decision to censor the interview hints that the GOP agents at Fox may also be mindful of this effect.

Bernie Mack's conditioning resulted in his using off color language during a comedy routine he performed at an Obama campaign dinner. Although this could have potentially embarrassed Obama, the plan worked as outlined with Obama playfully chastising Mack at the event and earning more praise from the public and mainstream media.

Future targets for phase one include:

1. Al Sharpton
2. Louis Farrakhan
3. Marion Berry
4. Charles Barkley
5. Harry Belafonte
6. Sheila Jackson Lee
7. Carol Moseley Braun

I will continue to update you on Operation Blackout as it develops. We are still in the process of developing a target list for phase two. If you have any suggestions for persons or groups that should be added to the target file, please forward them to my secure email. We are also open to expanding the target list to include "progressives." Per procedure, you will be updated should the plan encounter either unexpected difficulties or surprising successes as we continue to shape the battlefield prior to the Democratic and Republican conventions.


Chauncey DeVega

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, Obama's Nuts, and Jesse's Pain: An Exclusive Interview with Jesse Jackson

We Are Respectable Negroes News Network (WARNNN): Hello, Reverend Jackson, we appreciate your agreeing to this exclusive interview.

Jesse Jackson (JJ): Yes, thank you, it is a pleasure to be here.

WARNNN: You have been at the center of a whirlwind these last few days following your comments on Fox News where you stated that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama should "stop talking down to Black people," and that you want to "cut his nuts off." Can you please share with our readers the context of these comments? Why would you say such a thing? And how have you been feeling these last few days following the incident?

JJ: Well, first of all, I would like to apologize for my comments. I did not mean any harm. They were indeed mean-spirited, untimely, and a mistake. You know, we are all deeply flawed creatures and no man or woman is above admitting guilt. Only God is perfect, and I know I am not. Second, what I meant to actually say was that faith based initiatives are not an adequate solution to the structural problems of inter-generational poverty, white supremacy, and racism--factors which still explain the problems in the black community...I would really like Barack to focus more on those issues. I have been a supporter of Barack for many years. I know him and his wife and children. I actually care a great deal for him as a person and perhaps I stepped over the line because of how close we are.

WARNNN: Some have wondered if your comments directed at Obama are rooted in some type of bitterness or anger towards Obama's success as a presidential candidate? Are you "hating" on Barack at all? Is this some type of "player hating" on the part of the old guard Civil Rights leadership towards younger black politicians?

JJ: No, no, no. No player hating here! Let the waters fall from the mountaintop as we celebrate Obama's success. This has been a long struggle and Obama is part of a legacy that goes through me, Shirley Chisholm, A. Phillip Randolph, Malcolm X, and of course Dr. King and all the other black freedom fighters who worked to make American democracy the fulfillment of a prophetic vision.

WARNNN: Back to your comments about Barack Obama's testicles. Don't you think your comments were tasteless? And why his "nuts?" Wouldn't you have been one of the first voices to clamor for the public censoring of a white politician if he wanted to castrate a leading black public official?

JJ: Now, we know context matters. If a white politician wanted to castrate a black man there is a whole historical legacy of slavery and lynching there, and he or she would know better than to make such an allusion. I am not a hypocrite, this is a deeply personal issue for me and I am really saddened by everything [begins sobbing].

WARNNN: Are you okay Reverend Jackson? Why are you crying?

JJ: This is so hard you know? I have held the movement on my shoulders for so long. I was there with Martin. You have seen the picture right? I felt like when I held Martin as he laid dying that the mantle was passed to me [still sobbing].

WARNNN: Please tell us more.

JJ: I, just, I am exhausted is all. I have fought against white supremacy for so long. So many marches and struggles. So much loss and pain. I have had this burden for so long and I am just spent. And you know? I have never told anyone this, through all of my efforts to help black folk I have begun to see that we are our own worst enemies. There I said it...back in the 1990s when I said that I was scared when I saw a young black man walking towards me, I really meant it.

WARNNN: Are you serious Reverend? Would you like a break?

JJ: No, no, please don't stop me.

WARNNN: Okay. So you hate black people? Then why have you worked for so long to help the black community.

JJ: It isn't that at all. I love black people, I just have come to realize that I have internalized white racism. I have to make a confession because it is through bearing ourselves that we are made strong in the eyes of God, I have been in therapy for several years. And my comments about Barack were a result of Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome.

WARNNN: We are familiar with PTSS, but please explain it to our readers.

JJ: You see slavery and its after effects have damaged black people in a profound way. Jim Crow, segregation, racial violence, Ronald Reagan, Hurricane Katrina, we are damaged by all of this hate and this hurt was never dealt with. Like many others I have internalized this pain. And this psychosis has made me fixate on what I believe is the greatest threat against our people: the black man's nuts.

WARNNN: Jesse, are you saying that you want to get rid of black men's "nuts" in order to save the black community from itself?

JJ: Yes, think about it. White people are afraid of our sexual potency, the life energy in our nuts. When I said that I was afraid of the brothers on the street that is what I was afraid of--the energy in their nuts. Plus, think about it, all the social dysfunction and chaos among the black poor, lots of it is caused by these young brothers being cum droppers. They just go around making babies and laying with women. They can't help it because it's their nuts that is behind all of this madness.

WARNNN: What about your behavior? Your affairs? The love children that you have with your mistresses? Is that because of your out of control testicles? Do your chocolate, salty balls rule your life?

JJ: Yes, now you understand. I don't want to cut off just Obama's nuts. I want to cut mine off as well. Even Bill Cosby, he has baby mama drama too--the most upright among us can't resist the urges in our nuts. If we cut them off we will be better as a people. R. Kelly, our most gifted artist, he was almost brought down by his nuts. And my weaknesses for the flesh have caused me so much pain [sobbing again].


JJ: The ways I have been made fun of. Did you know that people have made Christmas cards with my likeness which mocked the control that my nuts have over my life? Hell, someone even made a poster for a gay phone sex line that featured my image and the slogan for Operation Push. It just hurts so much. I am so weak, I just want to cut them off.

WARNNN: But then, how will we reproduce?

JJ: We will figure it out. Did you ever see that beautiful queen Alexyss Tylor on youtube? She talks a lot about the life force in our nuts. She understands what I am talking about:

And I feel so ugly inside and out. During all this mess, I had the occasion to look in a mirror and I realized just how unattractive I really am.

WARNNN: You do bare a striking resemblance to a character from the Star Wars films, the one who was flying the Millennium Falcon with Lando in Return of the Jedi:

JJ: I know I do, his name is Nien Numb. I have been getting hate mail for years with his picture attached to them.

WRNNN: Any closing thoughts? Are you getting help for your Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome Reverend Jackson?

JJ: Yes, I am. It is a long road to healing. I just hate my nuts and want them removed because they have caused me so much pain. I just had a moment of weakness--the doctors call it transference--where I put my pain onto Barack is all. I don't want to cut his nuts off, I really just want to cut off my own. I am so sorry, I am just so very confused. Please forgive me [sobbing].

Just When We Start Hip Hop Week Jesse Jackson Goes and Does Something Stupid

Remember when the OJ chase interrupted the NBA playoffs? In an eerily reminiscent fashion, it seems that Jesse Jackson wants to cut Obama's nuts off. In the darkest recesses of our minds we couldn't have imagined this wonderful news gem. Accordingly, we are quite reluctantly forced to preempt hip hop week. Rest assured, we will return to it shortly. But, coming up later today, we will have an exclusive interview with Jesse Jackson in which Jesse discusses his comments towards Obama, and reveals to the world his shocking, long held, and deep feelings towards Obama's testicles.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

A Hipster Hip Hop Timeline

Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about hipster rap artists and hipsters’ influence on hip hop music. I’ll admit, I’ve been very critical of hipsters, but I want to make amends. So, to kick off Hip Hop week here at We Are Respectable Negroes, I am giving hipsters a chance to contribute to the important project of constructing hip hop’s meaning—as we Social Scientists know, all meaning is tenuous, and just because hip hop is a new pursuit to hipsters, doesn’t mean that their views on the music aren’t valid. I’ve asked several of my hipster friends (though none of these people would ever refer to themselves as “hipsters”) to collaborate on a timeline of the most important events in hip hop. Their Hip Hop Timeline follows:


Lil Wayne Born


Nothing of consequence happens


NWA brings a new level of authenticity and danger to rap, and pisses off white parents;

Public Enemy move into the realm of sonic genius due to their innovative approach to dissonance; piss off even more white parents with their militant, anti-white politics


Beastie Boys drop Paul’s Boutique; hip hop officially becomes art music


Vanilla Ice exhibits the depths of inauthentic white rap


Nothing of consequence happens


Wu Tang begins to make cool music, t shirts


Nothing of consequence happens


DJ Shadow’s Endtroducing raises the Beasties’ bar and becomes the first example of hip hop as “true” art music; hip hop production now respectable in indie rock circles


Nothing of consequence happens


Eminem immediately becomes the greatest rap lyricist ever: he is the first rapper to be ironic, funny, and self-deprecating, and he acknowledges that poor whites are just as marginalized and oppressed as their black counterparts;

MF Doom releases Operation: Doomsday, a creative masterwork blending 80s easy listening R& B, monster movies, and cartoons. And he does it all while donning a metal mask as part of his character’s back story. He’s essentially doing ghetto performance art!

Jay-Z declares himself the greatest rapper alive; draws parallels between the corner drug dealer and the corporate maven; transcends the ghetto niche with witty lyrics and pop beats.

Wu Tang falls off: their fans are all suburban wiggers and old “keep it real” types

Outkast channels Funkadelic and broadens hip hop’s palette: they’re from the South, one of them dresses funny, they experiment with electronic music

Record labels Def Jux, Anticon move hip hop out of the ghetto, expanding boundaries by making cerebral hip hop that’s more like indie rock in its approach


Missy Elliott breaks through hip hop’s glass ceiling with her electronic beats, girl-power lyrics, colorful videos, robust figure, and lack of a Y chromosome.

Buzz builds around 50 Cent, a NY rapper who embodies primal black aggression and sexuality; plus, he was really shot 9 times. How authentic!


Eminem’s music becomes stale when he starts to hang around with 50 Cent and pretends to be all “gangsta;” Plus, he won an Oscar and white suburban teens love him a little too much.

Caushun, the first openly gay rapper, starts getting national publicity


Mashups, an entirely new thing in which vocals from song are placed over the music of a song from an entirely different genre, are all the rage

Def Jux, Anticon become too white and corny; not in touch with what’s going on with real people


Outkast falls off: their songs start showing up on Kidzbop records

For the first time in hip hop’s history, Kanye West presents a complex black persona--no longer do rappers have to be either thugs or preachy conscious artists.

Critics in the know realize that Camron and Dipset are Dadaist geniuses.

Dangermouse hits the postmodern critical jackpot by blending the music from The Beatles’ White Album with the vocals from Jay Z’s Black Album to make The Grey Album

Lil Wayne drops The Carter, which is really fucking great!

Wu Tang is back! Well, Ghostface is, at least

Common is the antichrist: he dresses strangely and panders to a pseudo-intellectual, racially insecure fan base

The Streets, MIA, Dizzee Rascal wow music fans. The UK is the future of hip hop


Advances in Cool Edit Pro and FruityLoops empower anyone to DJ and make hip hop music!

MF Doom, Dangermouse become corporate shills and drop a shitty album for Cartoon Network

Lil Wayne, The Clipse deliver the 2 greatest mixtapes ever (of the 3 we’ve heard)

Lil Wayne drops The Carter II, which instantly becomes the greatest rap album ever

UGK puts Texas rap on the map

Several great rappers emerge from New Orleans, Miami, Houston, Memphis. The American South is the new UK!

It’s officially OK for white people to say “nigga” as long as they’re ironic and not really racist


fratboys, white indie rock critics, teenage high school dropouts, and Lil Wayne agree: Lil Wayne is the greatest rapper alive

With Kingdom Come, Jay-Z abandons the “realness” of the hood and becomes an elitist corporate shill. He starts to suck

By declaring hip hop dead, Nas snatches the hip hop antichrist mantle from Common


Lupe Fiasco strikes a blow against true school hip hop fascists who think that fans need to have knowledge of a “canon” of songs that came out prior to 2000.

A record number of black people (5) show up to the Pitchfork Music Festival. They are cordial and honor most people’s requests to take pictures with them.

The Cool Kids bring a fresh, retro approach to a stagnant hip hop landscape

Unfortunately, Caushun revealed to be a hoax


Lil Wayne drops The Carter III, which instantly becomes the greatest rap album ever

Race, gender, region, skill, access to equipment no longer barriers to rap success; knowledge of rap no longer a barrier to writing hip hop music criticism. Hip hop finally becomes the embodiment of the democratic ideal!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Chauncey DeVega's Trip to the African Caribbean Festival of Life-A Photo Travelog

I like to share my exciting and spirited adventures with all who will listen: respectable negroes, white allies, and anyone else with too much time on their hands. This past weekend I had the joy of renewing my life--and eating some good grilled chicken at my neighborhood's local celebration of black people (don't worry, I am very careful and won't be getting salmonella because I go around and do a food hygiene inspection before I decide which eatery to bless with my presence). These festivals are always exciting because they represent a great cross section of the community...and I get to play anthropologist for a day while I do some people watching. Plus, for one day we can actually pretend to get along as a community, as opposed to the other 364 days of the year (including Christmas), when we treat each other like crap.

So rather than look at these professional pictures of the day from our local big city fancy paper (lies and propaganda! all of it!), please join me on my journey as I bring you only those facts which are fit to tell.

Exhibit Number One: All that Ails the Captive Black Nation in America can be Cured at the African Caribbean Festival:

The black community is afflicted, literally and symbolically by gas, bloating, constipation, and stress. If we all had a communal drink of this wonder elixir our problems would be fixed tomorrow and we would be happy, healthy, and wise.

Exhibit Number Two: Obama! Obama! Obama!..T Shirts for Sale

I do hope Obama gets some residuals because his face is everywhere and is on everything. The festival was a great example of "politics as popular culture" because in every badly sung bit of music there was an Obama mention. For example: Badly sung Caribbean fake Patois Lyric (insert Obama) Badly sung Caribbean fake Patois Lyric (insert Obama) Man jumps around stage like Buju Banton or Shabba Ranks circa 1994 (insert Obama) (insert blast horn/air raid siren noise) repeat indefinitely. And by the way, the Chi-lites performed and they looked like a wax museum brought to life--except the wax statues continued to age while they were in the museum.

The stakes are high folks. I actually risked my safety to bring you this photo as the vendor confronted me about "stealing his intellectual property," and that "I should buy a T Shirt rather than documenting my day." I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was selling bootlegged, counterfeit T-Shirts himself...he was old and angry, so in the interest of peace I simply moved along.

Exhibit Number Three: It is Sexy Time

This lingerie was all the rage at the festival. I really like the man girdle because I could easily imagine myself wearing it under my samurai robe. It would be give my profile that little bit of extra help that I need in order to seduce Rosario Dawson. Now, all I need is a codpiece to complete my outfit when I next go courting. I also like the one piece corset on the right--it is hard to make out in the picture, but it is form fitting (or "contouring" as the bigger ladies like to say) and crotchless. I do love anything crotchless. But, you have to be careful of getting irritated on the seams of the peek-a-boo hole (I just made that phrase up) during your frantic and feverish love making.

Exhibit Number Four: It is Thelma from Good Times

No, not on the right, but right here (witty word play huh?):

Thelma was looking really good as she signed her new book. I do hope that Thelma signed a fair deal which pays her adequate residuals--fingers crossed. Too bad she didn't marry the heir to the chicken fortune. Yes, he was a bit older than her, but the brother could have gotten Thelma and her family out of the projects. And, Thelma should have gone to that all white college preparatory school. She could have networked, gained social capital, and reached back to help the community. Thelma was always selfish.

Exhibit Number Five: Guns, Money and the Bible?

This was a popular bit of art for sale at the festival. I studied and reflected on the image for a great deal of time. What does it mean? What are its semiotics? Do we need to choose between God and guns and money? Or is it a false choice? Are they mutually exclusive? Is this part of a new movement in the black aesthetic? A nouveau, street gangster art sensibility? More importantly will they stock photos and prints from this genre in my local Borders bookstore near the ghetto literature?

Exhibit Number Six: The Queen Mother of the World

This is more like it. Did you know the black woman, a woman in Africa, was the first modern human--the queen mother of all? Did you know that the black woman is a queen? Did you know the first person to ever have a thought was a black person? I bet you didn't? Why? Because hip hop has poisoned your mind through its negative depictions of black women. As a corrective, I suggest you go to the African Caribbean festival (or your local AfroCentric bookstore, flea market, or Marshall's department store) and heal your mind and body by purchasing, studying and reflecting on the spiritual uplift provided by "positive" black artwork.

Exhibit Number Seven: Black Man and Black Woman We are Bonded to Each Other!

I am feeling really affirmed right now. Notice how the muscular thighs of our two nubians are intertwined. Also, the powerful buttocks and steel embrace. We cannot be stopped once we unite as a people. Plus, we are betrothed as king and queen by a heart shaped lock! Yes, black man and black woman strip naked in an erotic embrace of black love. We should not be afraid to affirm each other against Hip hop and its foul depictions of black humanity!

Exhibit Number Eight: Black Man and Black Woman We are Carved from Each Other

Yes! Yes! Yes! This is what I am talking about. Again, notice the form and dignity of the black man and black woman. More importantly, it isn't just Venus and Serena Williams whom are built like Amazonian goddesses (and from me that is a complement as I would blissfully surrender to either or both, preferably both to be honest, in a day, or week, or month, of Caligula inspired decadence) . I digress. Black man do you see how you are created by your queen? Do you understand how you are beholden to her? Black woman, do you see the black king's mighty hammer? Do you understand how he is going to use that hammer to free the community? Do you understand how his hammer is also a source of pleasure? Its vibrations and poundings shaking you to your foundations? Fulfilling you as a woman? Damn, let me calm down a second and drink a Snapple...

Exhibit Number Nine: The White Man won't Let Us have Our Day

The white racist power structure is always monitoring the black community, and it knows no bounds in its disrespect of the black man and black woman. No, we can't even have one day free from their watchful eyes. In fact, the African-Caribbean festival was under siege all day long. I actually watched two of "Chicago's Finest" try to get a discount on a beef kabob from one of the vendors! Well, he was actually Asian, but that doesn't matter. No Justice! No Peace! And notice the ultimate affront--and you have to pay close attention because white supremacy is subliminal in its trickery--what type of ice cream are they eating? Not chocolate. Oh no! The occupying army's stormtroopers are actually daring to eat VANILLA ice cream while in the middle of our maroon colony! These enforcers are actually consuming whiteness in front of us. Will the indignities inflicted on us as a people never end?

Blacktown. net please empower me against this assault:

Regardless of the way the day ended, it was still wonderful to be out and about with my people. It was a wonderful day of multicultural fun (Gordon do you get the hint?). I feel rejuvenated in my blackness and I am now ready to struggle on.

Gordon Gartrelle says: Obama's turn to the right?

Field Negro and Glenn Greenwald have motivated me to think a lot about political orthodoxy in recent days (so has Chauncey, but from a slightly different angle).

What brilliant left bloggers like Field and Greenwald have been saying about left ideology and policy is unsettling. Obama, many on the left argue, is pandering to the right with a series of public policy positions over the last couple of weeks. The assertion that Obama is strategically moving to the right or the center has gone largely unchallenged in the mainstream media. No big surprise there. That few in the popular blogosphere (which is said to foster a higher level of political discourse) have challenged the supposed “Obama is moving to the center” truism is more serious—it highlights one of the major problems with self-identified “liberals”: they are driven by uncritical attachment to ideological orthodoxy, so, in effect, they are not considerably different from the conservatives they loathe.

Just to be clear: I agree that Obama is trying to preemptively combat the right’s ridiculous charges that he’s a radical liberal. These left critics have every right to call out Obama on matters of principle and consistency. What’s bothering me is that they take for granted that Obama’s recent policy positions are undeniably right-leaning (or at least antithetical to progressive causes).

I’m willing to admit that the left has some inherent base principles—respect for legitimate difference; advocacy for the relatively disadvantaged, for instance. However, aside from supporting gay legal rights, there is no major current policy position that characterizes left principles. All others—pro-affirmative action measures, pro-choice policies, pacifism—don’t cut it. My problem with the Obama-as-ideological-turncoat meme is that Obama’s recent policy positions don’t actually undermine any fundamental left principles. I don’t think his positions are conservative; I think they’re practical. Big difference.

Let’s have a look at some of these positions over which Obama’s taking heat from the left:

1.) On Father’s Day, Obama blasted “cum droppers” who fail to take responsibility for their children. And what do negroes do? Run him down for criticizing black men in earshot of white folks. “He’s become Cosby.” Shit, I hope so! Everybody with sense (including Dyson) knows that The Cos’ was right. Yet, many on the left are content to let people claim personal responsibility and fatherhood as conservative values (but only in public), while the majority of kids in the most vulnerable neighborhoods languish without fathers. No wonder “liberal” is such a dirty word.

2.) After years of support for gun control laws, Obama recently stated that the recent 5-4 Supreme Court decision overturning D.C.’s ban on handguns would “provide much-needed guidance to local jurisdictions across the country” and suggested that he had always backed the individual rights view of gun ownership. That’s all fine with me, but I wonder how many of the liberals condemning him (well, the black ones anyway) valorize the Panthers and the Deacons for Defense?

3.) While we’re on the subject of the Supreme Court and 5-4 decisions, Obama disagreed with their recent 5-4 decision that a State nay not impose the death penalty for child rapists (and, more broadly, for criminals whose victims did not die). So, Obama supports the death penalty for child rapists? What a callous monster!

4.) Obama declares that he would like to reform and expand Bush’s program to send government funds to religious charities and is catching hell from the left. I am certainly no fan of the erosion of the separation of church and state, but segments of this country are seriously fucked up. There are areas within our borders that resemble mini failed states, and given our spending habits, government cannot fix this mess by itself. I don’t even fuck with religion, but that sounds practical to me, especially since he’s against these faith-based programs discriminating based on creed.

5.) Obama panders to AIPAC, gives his full support to Israel, and talks tough toward Iran, and all of a sudden, he’s a spineless neocon. Uh, how many prominent politicians in the U.S., progressive or otherwise, fail to publicly profess full support for Israel?

6.) Obama gives a speech on his patriotism, and he’s a Reaganite. Hey, I don’t understand any form of collectivist ideology, especially those of the flag-waving variety, but why should Obama be criticized for holding these Mr. Smith goes to Washington ideals? Didn’t the whole flag pin nonsense reveal that Obama’s was a more critical brand of patriotism?

7.) Obama states that he may need to “refine” his policy on Iraq, and the response to this non-story is swift. Is he backtracking? Is he pandering? Will he keep us in Iraq as long as McCain would? Whatever. Don’t we rail against Bush for his stubborn refusal to change his policies in light of new information?

8.) Obama supports the FISA compromise. In all fairness, the left is correct to criticize Obama for this position. No good can come from expansive government spying Greenwald has done great work on Democrat's FISA capitulation.

Again, it’s healthy to criticize Obama’s recent positions; it’s troubling, though, to take away his progressive card for taking these particular positions. By ostracizing anyone who doesn’t toe the ideological line, I fear that those on the left are conceding that the mark of progressive thought is not critical thinking—challenging the status quo, and seeking to overturn unjust traditional power relations—but simply being against conservatives.

That is called groupthink.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Chauncey DeVega says: Introducing the U.T.A.O.--Uncle Toms Against Obama

It seems that there are some self-hating black folks who are actively organizing against Obama (I emphasize the "active" because I really don't care if you are self-hating, stay in your house, and mind your own business). I also don't believe in either orthodoxy tests for "blackness," or in arbitrarily kicking people out of the "tribe" so to speak because they neither sufficiently nor correctly perform "blackness." However, black Republicans and their decision to support a party which clearly doesn't have the interests of their community at heart has always vexed me (except if you are rich, in which case it would make sense to this respectable negro--black utility heuristic aside--to vote your pocketbook).

With that having been said, I would not deem black Republicans to be any more or less "black" than I would kente cloth wearing, spoken word, all day pontificating, conspiracy theory possessed, Border's bookstore chess-playing, former black Panthers. In my opinion, I have found these distinctions and conversations to be both unproductive and purely normative. For me, the question has always been: Do you love your people? Do you believe in justice? And how are you working toward that end? We can fight about the details, but ultimately, I care more about the end goal, than how we get there.

However, some black conservatives work so feverishly in the service of ingratiating themselves to "White Folk" at the expense of justice, common sense, and decency that they must be called out. Random thought: isn't it funny how these sycophants often don't realize that the very white folks whose butts these lapdogs are kissing, actually don't respect them as people?

To that point, it seems that the National Black Republican Association (a.k.a. Uncle Toms Against Obama) is running a series of advertisements where they attack the presumed Democratic presidential nominee. Some choice excerpts from the Washington Post:

Here's a sample of what you might hear on your radio: "Bitter is what Obama called blacks and whites who love God. Racist is what Obama called his white grandmother who raised him and made sacrifices so Obama could get a good education and become a millionaire," says the narrator one of the spots.

"Obama's mentor for 20-years was Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who said innocent Americans deserved to die on September 11th," says the voiceover in another.

In reading the article, I felt like I had stepped through the looking glass. Maybe, I said to myself, I am in alternate reality of sorts? A reality that is profoundly different from my own, where the arguments offered by the National Black Republican Association actually makes sense?

Hmmmm....that's it. I am displaced in time and space: I have fallen down the rabbit hole!

It seems in my confusion, that I may need to seek out truth seekers to guide me on my journey: Fortunately, I think I may have found one in Mr. HK Edgerton:

Preach brother:

Are there any other mentors, personal gurus who can me find the Right path back to the light? Is there anyone--Larry Elder can you hear my pleas?--anyone at all, who is able to help this profoundly confused, respectable negro? Maybe I need to go to the source, to embark upon a quest to find the holy grail: a Rosetta stone that will help me understand the alternate reality in which the National Black Republicans reside?

Luckily, I think I may have found it:

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

John Horn--The Guy Who Shot the Ign'ts Robbing His Neighbor's House is Found Not Guilty

As my mom would say re: the dead ignt's, good riddance to bad rubbish.

Hopefully, Mr. Horn has a legal defense fund we can contribute to--just kidding, or am I?

Here is the Horn story and the link to one of our first blog posts which is to this day (at least by our humble standards) one of our most popular posts. Given that we have grown a bit in our readership over the last few months, a flashback seems both timely, and appropriate.

HOUSTON, Texas (AP) -- A Texas man who shot and killed two men he suspected of burglarizing his neighbor's home was cleared in the shootings Monday by a grand jury.

Joe Horn shot and killed two men last November after he saw them crawl out a neighbor's window.

Joe Horn shot and killed two men last November after he saw them crawl out a neighbor's window.

Joe Horn, 61, shot the two men in November after he saw them crawling out the windows of a neighbor's house in the Houston suburb of Pasadena.

Horn called 911 and told the dispatcher he had a shotgun and was going to kill the men. The dispatcher pleaded with him not to go outside, but Horn confronted the men with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot both in the back.

"The message we're trying to send today is the criminal justice system works," Harris County District Attorney Kenneth Magidson said.

Horn's attorney, Tom Lambright, has said his client believed the two men had broken into his neighbor's home and that he shot them only when they came into his yard and threatened him.

The two Horn suspected of committing burglary, Hernando Riascos Torres, 38, and Diego Ortiz, 30, were unemployed illegal immigrants from Colombia. Torres was deported to Colombia in 1999 after a 1994 cocaine-related conviction.

The episode touched off protests from civil rights activists who said the shooting was racially motivated and that Horn took the law into his own hands. Horn's supporters defended his actions, saying he was protecting himself and being a good neighbor to a homeowner who was out of town.

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"I understand the concerns of some in the community regarding Mr. Horn's conduct," Magidson said. "The use of deadly force is carefully limited in Texas law to certain circumstances ... In this case, however, the grand jury concluded that Mr. Horn's use of deadly force did not rise to a criminal offense."

Lambright did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment from The Associated Press.

Texas law allows people to use deadly force to protect themselves if it is reasonable to believe they are in mortal danger. In limited circumstances, people also can use deadly force to protect a neighbor's property; for example, if a homeowner asks a neighbor to watch over his property while he's out of town.

It's not clear whether the neighbor whose home was burglarized asked Horn to watch over his house.

Our original story here:

We are a Nation of Liars, Crooks, Fools, Thieves, and Idiots

This is gonna be a long one...

A few months back, a story circulated regarding a drug called, "jenkem." Apparently, this "new" drug, a product of Africa of course--where those poor natives do nothing but fight famine, suffer under genocide, live in failed States, and huff shit--consists of human feces and urine in a bong. Here, the "user" would take a "hit" by inhaling the noxious fumes generated by this ungodly concoction:

Apparently, jenkem has now been debunked. But, the idea rang true for a basic reason--people are lazy, stupid, and will try anything once. Moreover, this idea of huffing shit stuck with me because it seemed the perfect metaphor for these good ol' United States.

We are a nation of among other things, former slaves, tax evaders, and cast-off immigrants. More or less, all of us, myself included, have drunk the Kool-Aid, eaten that shit sandwich, and smelled those fumes generated by the American mythos of freedom, equality, and opportunity (or at least the hope that the American creed can one day be made real). More broadly, human beings believe what we want to believe, in a way, and at a time, that is most convenient to us.

As a respectable negro, I focus much of my attention on those black and white shit-huffers who hit that jenkem bong, and spend their time on high-profile issues, issues that are ultimately of little concern, but that nevertheless cause harm to our life-long crusade for human justice, dignity, and black progress. Now to offer a qualifier, shit-huffers are not restricted to those purveyors of race-based hysteria and other nonsense. Those Bill O'Reilly-Rush Limbaugh neo-cons who supported premier Bush in his Iraq misadventures, despite all evidence to the contrary, are a bunch of shit-huffers. Those idiots who follow good ol' Al Sharpton and Shakedown Jesse around on any damn fool idealistic crusade are also shit-huffers.

The shit-huffers of the moment are those knuckleheads in Pasadena, Florida who are defending the white homeowner (a gentleman by the name of Mr. Joe Horn) that shot dead those ignt's robbing his neighbors. These idiots are joined by The New Black Panther Party and other victomologists who are dedicated to valorizing stupidity in the search of a black "hero" (Brother Gartrelle has one percolating on this issue as we speak). Interestingly, this case reminds me of the Duke rape case where everyone involved is an asshole, but where outside forces make the participants emblematic of all the fissures and tensions in our society.

The Horn case, and the one in California where a white homeowner blasted two criminals who beat his son into a coma, are lightening rods for victomologists, right-wingers, and shit-huffers of all stripes because it is great political theater. As depicted by the following video of the Pasadena protest where The New Black Panthers clashed with those white "defenders" of "justice" and "responsible" home ownership, everyone involved is an idiot (thank God there isn't a token negro in the background supporting the protesters...there is always one, and if you find him, please point the fool's sort of like a game of "Where's Waldo"):

It is instructive to watch the above video with the help of my handy viewing guide.

1. 0.01: "that's it?"---sort of sums it up
2. .09: the New Black Panthers make their appearance. Doesn't their leadership look like something out of Reverend Slick's, "Jive Soul Bro' Video?"
3. .11: "You are a disgrace to your race, get a job"--white symbolic racism in action
4. 1:02: "U.S.A., U.S.A."--Uhh ohh, the "White Power," oops I mean "U.S.A." chants have begun. Frankly, I prefer the honesty of Seig Heil and those honest skinhead types who advertise their bigotry and don't hide behind slogans of "equality" or "freedom"
5. 1:17 to 3:07: motorcycle's revving their engines and more U.S.A. chants--You know motorcycles scare off black radicals. Note to any white racists reading this post: motorcycles are more effective than water when it comes to scaring away black people.
6. 3:56-7:40: More U.S.A. chants
7. 8;37-8:51: More rebel yells, motorcycles revving, and The New Black Panthers beat a hasty retreat

As documented by the following footage (doesn't Fox News seem to be everywhere folks are acting stupid?) The New Black Panthers return in full force with the "victims," i.e the family members of those ignt's shot dead by Mr. Horn. Here, we have some wonderfully articulate white meth-heads and angry, marching, black fools. Plus, we all know that whenever someone says it isn't about race, it always is:

This is shit-huffing at its finest. On one side we have the New Black Panthers and Quanell X (you know that was the name of our ancestors and it was stolen from us). Of note, Quanell comes equipped with his own G.I. Joe bodyguard. Be honest, doesn't "Bro Joe," the character in the red beret and black camouflage, look like one of those horrible G.I. Joe figures from the early 1990's?

The data card on the back of his action figure would have probably read:

Member of Cobra
Code Name: Revolution
Real Name: Ty Jackson
Bio: Recruited from the legendary rap group Public Enemy's cadre of elite bodyguards, The S1W's, Revolution is an expert in political theater and all manner of clowning and cooning. Although only 5 feet tall, Revolution has spent time in the Army National Guard where he received a dishonorable discharge for drug use and insubordination. Revolution, later went to prison where he was recruited by Cobra. Following his formal training on Cobra Island, Revolution was tasked with corrupting black radical organizations. As a member of the "Ebony Guards," Revolution worked in parallel with The Crimson Guard. While the latter was tasked with infiltrating suburban communities, corporations, and industry, the Ebony Guards were tasked with urban "renewal" and ghetto "pacification."
Weapon specialties: Saturday night specials; zip guns; Molotov cocktails; spoken word poetry; bad fashion; revolutionary fury; instant recall of conspiracy theories; and knowledge of self.

Regardless, one cannot deny the amazing greatness that was G.I. Joe The Movie:

I could care less about the toothless wonders and the PWT opposing the New Black Panthers. But, I really suggest that The New Black Panthers, if they are going to claim that honorable lineage, at least try to live up to it:

Hell, I would be happy if Quannel and his posse read some classic G.I. Joe comic books (or even the new GI Joe comics where Destro has a child by a black woman--he was creepin' on the Baroness) . At least, this would have improved their strategy and tactics--rushing into the heart of your enemy with insufficient forces to exploit any gap you may create in their lines is a no-no because it inevitably leads to encirclement and the destruction of your forces.

So many shit-huffers, so little time. Here is a thought experiment for you: imagine if instead of The New Black Panthers, that Ghostface, Styles P, and Beanie Siegel stepped up and through that group of white "defenders" of "justice?"..Now that would have been a protest worthy of Fox News:

Yo Joe!!!!!

Postscript: Now, I would of course be Snake-Eyes, Zora would be Scarlett, but Gordon who would you be? Maybe Doc, or perhaps Alpine?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Chauncey DeVega says: Sometimes You Can't Make This Stuff Up--Man Arrested While Trying to Collect and Drink Young Boys's Urine

As a respectable negro, I take pride in providing information about strange happenings to all of my friends and family (and in reality you all just know I was trying to find a way to talk about something nasty and freaky). This was the impetus for this site as our friends got tired of our many forwarded emails. Now, given the wonderful platform that is the internets--I like that word--here is the latest development in the "we are a society too sick to survive." Apparently, we have a urophiliac (not as cool as a fecalphiliac...i.e. the episode featuring my favorite South Park character, Mr. Hanky) who enjoys finding creative ways of collecting and drinking little boy's pee. Yuck!

Here is the story and the video:

Man Accused of Obtaining Boy's Pee to Drink

An Ohio man faces charges after allegedly hiding in public restrooms to obtain and drink boys'urine.Alan Patton, a convicted sex offender, was found trying to collect urine inside a men's restroom at Sports Ohio in Dublin, according to police. Sports Ohio is a facility that features miniature golf, batting cages, Go Karts and a picnic pavilion, among other amenities.Police said that Patton, 56, had shut off water to the urinals and placed cups inside them. Police charged Patton with criminal mischief, reported WBNS-TV in Columbus, Ohio.Patton faced the same charges in 2006 after putting plastic wrap and cups in urinals in public restroom toilets in an attempt to collect and drink the urine of young boys, reported WCMH-TV in Columbus.After his arrest in 2006, Patton told police that he suffered from urophilia, a sexual fetish involving urine. He also told police that drinking boys' urine made him feel like he was "drinking their youth," WBNS reported.At that time, Patton was told by a Franklin County judge that he was not allowed to enter a public restroom nor facilities such as movie theaters and libraries. He is supposed to be under electronic surveillance, WCMH reported

You are just nasty sir!

Now, I know we have quite a few resident pee pee drinkers...well actually folks that like to pee on the black community, and some of them are celebrities:

But, rather than impulsively judge someone else's lifestyle, I decided to do a little research about pee pee drinking and its "positive" effects.

So here's Johnny!, oh well...Let's play the "did you know?" game instead.

1. Did you know that urine is therapeutic? Apparently, it is good for the skin, and if you drink pee, it works in a holistic fashion to heal all that pains the body? I learned something new. From Natural Skin, Natural Beauty:

"Dr John Armstrong (author of The Water of Life) emphasizes the need to massage with urine. He insists that cures work faster and more effectively in those who are bathed, massaged, rubbed and soaked in their own urine. He highly recommends it for more serious illnesses, since urine is absorbed through the skin and the hormonal and protein-based contents are slowly reabsorbed into the system, bypassing digestive juices that otherwise may have neutralised their potency. In this way, it also works as an excellent cosmetic for moisturising and healing skin blemishes, burns and scar tissue. However, for this usage, it is preferable to use urine that is 4 to 8 days old. The smell of ammonia in the old urine is not toxic but actually beneficial if used topically only, and not taken internally. Urine can be massaged topically for the most chronic and stubborn skin problems, such as acne, eczema, psoriasis, ringworm, sores, fungal infections, insect bites, wounds, burns and even gangrene. (Ureacin, is a urea cream for skin problems)."

2. Did you know that villagers in China tout the health benefits of drinking urine? Maybe we Americans are behind the curve on this one? Is this going to be a an Olympic sport? Are good non-pee drinking Americans going to be competing against super-powered, pee drinking Chinese supermen? Not fair. But, given that China is exotic and mysterious, with thousands of years of history, maybe the Yang Guizi should consider drinking a little of nature's natural lemonade?

3. Did you know that this is why Africa is a failed continent? Apparently, the government of Cameroon has banned urine drinks because they are a health hazard. Come on folks, if China, a rising superpower, has endorsed pee drinking, perhaps our friends in Africa can get behind this initiative as a way of improving their societies?

4. Did you know that apparently, India, another decrepit and old culture, also loves pee drinking? See, I knew we folks were behind the curve.

5. Back to America's heartland aka "Bush Country": Did you know that Meth heads will do anything to get high? It seems that these folks are now filtering their urine in order to recapture any meth they may have excreted out through urination. Damn! I thought crack heads were crazy back in the day, but did they ever drink their own pee? Wait a minute, you don't have to answer that question...

6. Did you know that I love creative writing? I love the prose, the language, the rhythm of words put to paper. Apparently, some creative types have found inspiration for their writing by fantasizing about pee and golden showers. From the Sprinkles, Golden Showers website here is some wonderfully inspired, erotic, pee pee inspired writing:

"The morning was hot and sunny so we ordered a big breakfast and set out to do some desert exploring. We took a lot of water with us as well as sodas and some snacks. We took a big blanket, and set out to see the desert around Albuquerque NM. We went to the north and struck out on a little dirt road that looked interesting. We soon found ourselves in a little canyon that had a small waterfall and was green and cooler than the surrounding desert. We decided to take a swim. We striped out of our clothes and ran naked to the cool water. I had drank a 2 liter bottle of water and had to pee so bad when I hit the cool water, I swam up and jumped on my friends back and let go a stream of hot pee down his back. He immediately got hard and turned around to let a hot stream go on my bare tits. Oh did that make me horny. I started to splash him with water and we had a big water fight...."

I have to admit, I am a bit titillated.

7. Did you know that if you read the above story, and you are a "piggy" who wants to "get in the tub" and enjoy some "water sports" make sure to click on this link to find all the "wet" and "hot" nightspots in the Boston area? We do strive to serve the public after all.

8. And yes, there is always a black one:

9. Did you know that Al Pacino once starred in a movie called, Cruising, where he played an undercover cop trying to arrest a gay serial killer? It really is a cult classic, Al dances with men, Al exposes New York City's gay kink subculture, and Al let's the rest of us in on the secret codes of the street (make sure to choose the yellow handkerchief:

Monday, June 30, 2008

Chauncey DeVega says: In Flag City USA, Good, Old, White Folks, Aren't Racists, They Simply Believe in Tradition

A select quote from the Washington Post story, "In Flag City USA, False Obama Rumors Are Flying:"

"People in Findlay are kind of funny about change," said Republican Mayor Pete Sehnert, a retired police officer who ran for the office on a whim last year. "They always want things the way they were, and any kind of development is always viewed as making things worse, a bad thing."

When people on College Street started hearing rumors about Obama -- who looked different from other politicians and often talked about change -- they easily believed the nasty stories about an outsider.

"I think Obama would be a disaster, and there's a lot of reasons," said Pollard, explaining the rumors he had heard about the candidate from friends he goes camping with. "I understand he's from Africa, and that the first thing he's going to do if he gets into office is bring his family over here, illegally. He's got that racist [pastor] who practically raised him, and then there's the Muslim thing. He's just not presidential material, if you ask me."


I guess change is scary. This fear is compounded by the fact that conservatives have an intolerance for ambiguity and struggle to process new information--some researchers, in their less polite moments, would argue that conservatives have authoritarian personalities (in layman's terms they are attracted to "strong" leaders like Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and Premier Bush aka Cheney's Number Two).

This story reminds me of the time when my parents upgraded from rabbit ears to cable. This change caused quite a bit of frustration in my childhood home-all these buttons, that big heavy clunky cable box, with the wire connected to the remote, and more than five confusing for older Americans. Then my dad discovered the Playboy station so things were okay--I also loved the Playboy station because you could manipulate the fine tuning on the cable box in order to make the station clearer. I am sure many a young boy's masturbatory fantasies were given both fuel and fire by some fine adjustment on yee' old cable box.

I also fondly remember the anxiety when we upgraded again from records, to cassettes, and then to compact disks. Pops was scared again, but low and behold--and once he figured out how to put the CD in with the label facing upwards--things were once more copacetic.

It seems older folks are still scared of Obama. Perhaps our brother needs to partner with the AARP? I can see it now, a legion of gray ghosts fanning out across Florida, small town USA, and Manhattan, spreading the truth, and working against the concerted disinformation campaign targeting Obama (and by the way see this great article on one of my favorite people, Danielle Allen, and her research on the Obama smear campaign--I love to see smart (actually genius level) black folk doing their thing).

But, lest I be accused of picking on the elderly, Americans in general don't appear to be too bright. This is the reason I don't support democracy. For your examination, here is some recent public opinion research demonstrating the wisdom of the masses:

1. 7 percent of Americans believe Elvis is still alive.

2. 13 percent of Americans believe the Da Vinci code is real.

3. 39 percent of Americans believe in Creationism (boy our schools have utterly and truly failed haven't they? And not just the young black ign'ts, but white folks too).

4. 33.3 percent (that is one third by the way) of Americans believe in UFOs, witches and astrology--hey UFO's are real, just ask my man Riley Martin--you didn't know that black apartment dwellers also get kidnapped by aliens? You best get up to speed people!

5. 41 percent of Americans believe that Saddam had something to do with Al Queda and 9-11. Goodness.

Ohh the good, old days, we all long for them. We had manicured lawns, well behaved children, all the race mixers kept their love private, those Negroes knew their place, everyone spoke English, and those foreigners stayed on their own side of the tracks, water, fence, ocean, continent, etc.:

And most importantly, John Wayne--not that demi-God Chuck Norris--was the order of day:

We lost a giant....

I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on the recent loss of one of our greatest political analysts and commentators. He was a giant, a tireless inquisitor who never ceased to wrangle with the political elite. He was known for his meticulous preparation, and he made sure that his shows were imbued with his hard work and indelible energy.

I’m talking, of course, about George Carlin. What? Did you expect me to say someone else?

I have a feeling that Carlin is looking down on us and smiling.

If he were alive, Carlin would tear into all of those who attempt to eulogize him: first, because the “speak no ill of the dead” rule is stupid: why should your opinion of someone be dependent on whether he or she is alive?; and second, these same pseudo-journalists are responsible for ouranti-intellectual culture, for the weak “everybody’s a winner” ethos, for the boomer yuppie narcissism and corporate tyranny that Carlin made it his life mission to deride.

If any non-black cultural critic should receive honorary respectable negro status, it’s Carlin. He deserves it because of his mastery of the language, his unparalleled bullshit-meter, and his refusal to blindly accept the platitudes and senseless conventions that people rarely challenge.

At the risk of (racking up demerits on) my negro card, I consider Carlin the greatest stand-up comedian who ever lived--greater than the Cos’; greater than Pryor; greater than Bruce (Bruce gets an honorary negro card too for all the shit the law put him through).

Sometime in college, I adopted Carlin’s detached, misanthropic worldview. He, more than any other, understood the fundamental paradox of humanity: that without collectives, we could never survive as a species and as a collection of societies; yet the idea and practice of groups (and groupthink in particular) spawn the other-ing that is responsible for the most loathsome human behavior.

Despite his seeming contempt for his fellow humans, in his final interview, Carlin acknowledged that he does care about people—his disdain, he argues, is based on our squandered potential. This contradiction resonates with me as a self-proclaimed respectable negro. While I am uncomfortable with all forms of collective identity, I care about people as a whole, and I have a special interest in black people, no matter how much we fuck up in the aggregate. Though I’ve been wrestling with their implications for years, I still haven’t worked out a consistent position on linked fate and the black utility heuristic. Who knew being a negro was so psychologically taxing?

7 Dirty Words gets the most attention, but these three bits are among my favorite Carlin pieces, and are, I think, representative of his genius.

1.) A brilliant, parsimonious deconstruction of the 10 Commandments:

2.) An honest look at our country’s culture of war and history of racism:

3.) A bit about the euphemistic “soft language” that pervades modern English: