Monday, October 31, 2011

An Exclusive Interview with Herman Cain: The Truth About His Sex Scandal, Love of Clarence Thomas, and the "Herminator" Experience

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network (WARNNN) works hard to bring you, our readers, the stories and information that you care about most. In the three years since our founding, we have had the good fortune to bring you candid interviews with such public figures as Jesse Jackson and Pat Buchanan. Some of our greatest coups have involved exclusive interviews with such personalities as Racism, Whiteness, and Glenn Beck's ill-fated Blackboard. And of course, the one and only Brother X-Squared made his Internet debut on our site.

In an effort to bring you cutting edge interviews with some of the country's leading figures, we have requested a chat with Republican Party front runner Mr. Herman Cain. Given our tumultuous history with Mr. Cain, we expected to be declined an on the record conversation. Much to our surprise he agreed to a one on one interview with WARNNN. In this candid conversation Herman Cain leaves no stone uncovered as he directly addresses a number of issues, most notably the recent charges that he sexually harassed two of his female employees while head of the National Restaurant Association in the 1990s.

WARNNN: Hello Mr. Cain, I would like to thank you for agreeing to do an interview. I know that you are very busy and your schedule has many demands placed on it. It is truly a pleasure to be able to chat with you.

Herman Cain: No problem at all. I love getting a chance to share my message with the people. The more they hear about how I am bringing businesses experience and plain talking truth to solving this country's problems the more excited they get. As President of Godfather's Pizza I know how to solve problems, I took a failing company and turned it around, I am also a bestselling author, you can hear my talks all over the country, I haven't even raised my speaking fees and...

WARNNN: We are very familiar with your career. It is quite distinguished. The American people have gotten a chance to know you these last few months and...

Herman Cain: Please let me continue. And I raised profits and efficiency. I even made pizzas myself! Did you know that I am a grandfather and that I beat stage 4 cancer. I am also a husband, a churchgoer, a Christian and...

WARNNN: Let's cut to the chase Mr. Cain, if you would allow us. You have said some very controversial things on the way to your party's presidential nomination in 2012. You have suggested that black people are brainwashed and not capable of thinking for themselves. You have called black people who don't support you slaves on a plantation. Do you still believe that? Why did you criticize, quite correctly, Rick Perry for frequenting a family camp called "Niggerhead," and then walk back your statement when Rush Limbaugh and others said you were playing the race card? Please explain?

Herman Cain: That is all you liberals can do, shift the subject, ignore the facts, and resort to name-calling.

WARNNN: You did say those things, correct?

Herman Cain: No, I didn't. You misunderstood me. Um, I was kidding and America needs to get a sense of humor. So yes, I am like Harriett Tubman. I will lead you to freedom, like her, I got a gun to shoot any of those confused slaves who won't run to freedom and want to run back to slave catchers like Cornel West and those other liberals with the Democratic Party.

Me and the good people of the Tea Party, along with good friends like Neal Boortz (his family almost owned my kin in the good old days of slavery) who love me and aren't racist will show you the way. If blacks would get off the plantation and not be brainwashed their lives would be much better.

Let's talk about something that matters like my plan to bring economic prosperity back to the United States please.

WARNNN: Fair point. Your 9-9-9 plan has been called regressive and unfair to poor and working class people. In fact, the plan will not raise sufficient revenue and will make income and wealth inequality worst. A majority of Americans think that we need a more fair economy, how does your plan accomplish this?

Herman Cain:...............You need to talk to my secret advisers and special most respected experts, your ciphering be wrong on this issue. Your so-called facts aren't right. Most important, if you aren't rich it is your own fault. You are a bum who is lazy if you aren't rich like me. Deal with it.

WARNNN: Okay, as an African-American, how do think your plan will help the middle class of that group, those strivers who saw their wealth and homes wiped out by the Great Recession?

Herman Cain: First of all, they need to go protest outside the White House, this is all Obama's fault. Second, I am not an African anything. I am a black American. I have empowerment zones that will let you create growth. No regulations, no zoning rules, nothing to hold back the job creators. Plus, you don't pay no taxes if you start up a business there and businesses will be freed of paying the minimum wage. Don't you see, it will be amazing! Plus, with my plan you don't pay taxes on used food or used goods. It is transparent and makes sense!

WARNNN: So you want people to dumpster dive? To eat old and used food? What about clothing? You want the working classes and poor to buy used clothes and other items? You want the American people to work in sweatshops without any rules for their safety and protection?

Herman Cain: I was po' growing up. Sometimes you got's to live within your means and make hard choices. I am tired and you are coming after me like I talked bad about your momma or something.

WARNNN: Let's change gears for a moment. During a recent interview you said that if you were elected President that you would select more Supreme Court Justices like Clarence Thomas? He is under a great deal of criticism for accepting monies from parties to cases that have come before the court. His wife was actually on the payroll of one of the plaintiffs in a case he presided over. There are calls for an investigation and perhaps his impeachment. Do these facts trouble you at all? Would you like to reassess your endorsement of Clarence Thomas?

Herman Cain: Like my grand-pappy said "I does not care!"

WARNNN: Like Clarence Thomas, you have also been accused of sexual harassment. Are these charges false? Did you sexually harass two women, who....

Herman Cain: I don't know what you are talking about, I have no recollection of those matters.

WARNNN: So two women were not each paid a 5 figure settlement, and agreed to never talk about the purported incidents where you supposedly harassed them?

Herman Cain: Oh those women. Now I remember. I told HR to handle it. I don't know what happened after then. I am ready for my high tech lynching just like Clarence Thomas. I am a front runner and a target. Those liberals at Politico are picking on me 'cause I am a strong black man! And...

WARNNN: Politico is hardly liberal Mr. Cain. In fact, you knew about this story for weeks and chose to do nothing about it. Level with us, they say the cover up is always worse than the crime. Come clean. What really happened Mr. Cain? Your public and the American people deserve to know.

Herman Cain: Okay, one more time. When I was growing up we were poor, really poor. I finally worked really hard you know. Kept my noise clean and out of all that Civil Rights trouble making. But I saw things, you know. The guys with the money, driving around with the chromed out Cadillac, getting all of the women. My dad eventually saved up enough money to buy one, you know, a way of saying, "look we made it!" But, I never forgot those men with the fancy cars and all the attention and women they had. Real respect, you know what I mean.

WARNNN: I think I see where this is going, did you...

Herman Cain: Let me finish. As a man of god, I know the power of baring one's soul in the eyes of the people. So, I learned some rules from them, rules to keep me out of trouble. That is why anyone who works for me must get my permission to talk first, I want silence and obedience. There are other rules too, women especially can't make eye contact with me. That isn't permitted. If you look me in the eyes it means you want me, you want to get to know me.

WARNNN: Wow. Let me confirm. Are you saying these women came onto you in some way? Lured you in?

Herman Cain: Toot sweet they did! I told them, you look at me it means that you want the Herman Cain experience, I am the Herminator and I won't be stopped. I told them, you are gonna get on board the Cain train one way or another! Dig it!

WARNNN: What else happened? You are a married man Mr. Cain. Did that not enter your mind?

Herman Cain: You see one of those women is from Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, being a poor boy who grew up in the South and riding in the back of the bus 'cause I didn't want any trouble, I dreamed of such an exotic woman. I stole sips from the white water fountain when I was growing up and figures what's the big deal, so I just had to have some of her sweet love. Don't you get me? Makes sense, right?

WARNNN: You have to appreciate the irony Mr. Cain, you are an admirer of Clarence Thomas, a man who sexually harassed Anita Hill and made lurid jokes about pubic hair and referenced porno movies and the actor Long Dong Silver. Now you are basically admitting that you harassed those two women years ago?

Herman Cain: I never harassed them. But, you got to let Cain be Cain. I offered them the Herman Cain experience after they made eye contact with me and dared to speak without being spoken to first. That is a huge difference. Clarence may have had his Long Dong Silver jokes, but I got the "9-9-9." You get me? 9 inches of length, 9 inches of girth, and 9 hours of satisfaction! I am not like that fake black man Barack Obama, I am the real deal, a real black man. I am black walnut ice cream, not the flavor of the month, I told those women that you can eat it on the cone or the cup, it lasts longer than a week.

WARNNN: Excuse me? Would you like to repeat that? That is so offensive that...

Herman Cain: This horse done be out the barn, don't stop me now. I don't snuff my own seeds, I's follow through on my business to completion. You have a woman and you leave her smoking and then you have a smoke after. Get me? In fact, I told those women, the one in the hotel actually, that the way to know if meat is good is too taste it. If it is too salty you know the ingredients are cheap. I ain't salty. I am "grade A," high quality.

WARNNN: Why did you settle? Did these women rebuff your advances? Threaten to sue, to out you, ruin your career?

Herman Cain: We made a deal. I told them that I can't be denied, they would give in eventually because I am the Herminator. The only way to keep women away from me is to put me inside a building surrounded by an electric fence that says in English and Spanish that if you touch it you will be electrocuted. We knew that wasn't going to work, so a little hush money and their walking papers seemed like the best deal.

WARNNN: One quick, final question. Are you at all worried that these accusations could hurt your campaign? That by admitting to these charges that your run for the presidency will be derailed?

Herman Cain: All those white people in the Tea Party who like me can't possibly be pretending. They will have my back like they always do.

WARNNN: I do have to say that you did not disappoint us Mr. Cain. Good luck with your campaign and I do hope that we get to chat with you again.

Herman Cain: I am off to sell some books, I got's alot of people to talk with and convert. You will see me again soon. God bless America. I love this country.


Anonymous said...

There is something beautifully hysterical about WARN doing an interview with the least respectable negro I have ever seen.

chaunceydevega said...

@Anon. I am glad you get the joke Anon ;)let's see if others do as well.

YogiFish said...

LoL Mr. Herman Cain would like to thank all of his supporters for not being to bright. They don't even know he's black.

CNu said...

Washington Times biting your "lethally venomous coinage"...,

An Internet blog called AlterNet, which proclaims itself a builder of “community,” flings more lethal venom, finding “black garbage-pail kids fascinating not because of what they believe, but rather because of how they entertain and perform for their white conservative masters.”

Shady_Grady said...

Good stuff Chauncey... =)

"eat it on the cone or the cup"..snicker

chaunceydevega said...

@Yogi. They love that he is black...the right type of black.

@Cnu. Told you. I keep trying to leave and they keep dragging me back in.

@Shady. He lasts all night long, all day, everyday. Question: do you think his accusers where white women? black, hispanic, asian?

YogiFish said...

America has made progress if there is a "Right Kind Of Black" now.

Politics is the best reality show going.

Brotha Wolf said...

All I could do was laugh.

Anonymous said...

LOL @ 'you look at me you want the Herman Cain experience'

He seems arrogant enough to actually think that.

Shady_Grady said...

For some reason I think his accusers were white.
But we'll find out soon I think.

Anonymous said...

@shady, I'd be very surprised if they were, he wouldn't upset them like that. Remember he learned early on to 'not cause trouble'. He has too much respect for them. Now, respecting minorities on the other hand...

chaunceydevega said...

@yogi. progress? meh. this does seem like a skit w. snl circa 1985 though.

@brotha. to keep from crying?

@sabrina. there is an interview with him i will post soon. he is an egomaniac and a narcissist.

@shady. you know they are. but why should it matter--provocative thought.

@sabrina. cain don't be back sassing massa! not ever.

Anonymous said...

You do all realize that was a made-up interview by the blogger; it is a parody and Herman Cain was never interviewed or said these things or anything like them to this blogger. Y'all do realize that, right? If you don't get that then I dunno what to say but it's quite obvious it is a parody.

Dorothy Potter Snyder said...

@andrewprussell Waaaa! You mean it's not REAL!!!??? Double waaaaaah! I never would have understood that alone, and now I feel all out of sorts.