Friday, October 22, 2010

Star Wars versus Glenn Beck: An Exclusive Interview with Obi-Wan Kenobi

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network (WARNNN) has been steadily expanding its network of contacts. We always work hard to bring you, our readers, the stories and information that you care about most. In the three years since our founding, we have had the good fortune to bring you candid interviews with such public figures as Jesse Jackson and Pat Buchanan. Two of our greatest victories to date were exclusive interviews with the nebulous figures of "Racism," and with Glenn Beck's elusive Blackboard. And of course, Brother X-Squared made his Internet debut on our site.

Today we scored a coup. Although many Bothans died to bring us this information, WARNNN has secured THE interview to end all interviews. In response to Glenn Beck, the self-described rodeo clown of television news and his channeling of the Star Wars Trilogies, Obi-Wan Kenobi, legendary Jedi Knight, friend and mentor to Darth Vader, has agreed to an exclusive tell-all interview with Bill the Lizard, guest interviewer for this most special of conversations.


Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hello there!

WARNNN: Mr. Kenobi, Obi-wan, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview. All of us here at WARNNN realize how valuable your time is.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Obi-Wan Kenobi...Obi-Wan? Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time...a long time.

WARNNN: Really?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I haven't gone by the name Obi-Wan since oh, before you were born.

WARNNN: May I call you Ben, then?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Don't be afraid. (laughs)

WARNNN: Ben, since the early 1980s, you've been removed from the public eye. I think it's safe to say that you've been a ghost of sorts, rarely giving interviews, not really commenting on current politics. If you don't mind me asking, why is that?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Yes, I was once a Jedi Knight... For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times... before the Empire.

WARNNN: Now, I've heard you say that before. You've often been quoted with outspoken opposition towards both the Reagan and Bush Administrations, and especially American imperialism, more generally.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: What I've told you is true. From a certain point of view.

WARNNN: A certain point of view?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. Let's just say “We the People” would like to avoid any imperial entanglements.

WARNNN: When was the last time you've spoken to the public about politics?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: 94.

WARNNN: That long ago? Well, what's changed? Why get involved again now?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. But my allegiance is to the Republic ... to democracy.

WARNNN: Was there any thing specific that moved you to speak to us?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I felt a great disturbance in the if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

WARNNN: Do you mean the rise of the New Right? The Great Recession? Threats to our fundamental freedoms?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: (nods in affirmation)

WARNNN: A few days ago your name is once more aflutter across the Internet.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Very interesting...

WARNNN: Glenn Beck, the American conservative radio and television icon, quoted you while defending himself against the “Drop Fox” boycott by Media Matters. He was almost daring people to confront him. Have you heard of this?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Should I have?

WARNNN: Well, perhaps I can I play you a clip?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You must do what you feel is right, of course.

WARNNN: Now, as a Jedi Knight, a wise mentor and sage to us all, what is your reaction to Beck’s utterances? Do you feel Glenn Beck has the right message for America?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded....

WARNNN: Can I interpret this as a “no”?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your insight serves you well...

WARNNN: Can you elaborate?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Glenn was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil. He was seduced by the dark side of the Force... when that happened, the good man who was born Glenn Beck was destroyed.

WARNNN: So you don't approve of his new “rodeo clown for the Right” gimmick?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda. I was wrong. He is more machine now than man. Twisted and evil.

WARNNN: Wow, that sounds incredibly harsh. I've heard Beck still considers you to be a mentor.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes.

WARNNN: Beck is incredibly popular, however. In 2009, for example, the Glenn Beck show was one of the highest rated news programs on TV. Now personally, I feel that he's a demagogue. But there is apparently an audience out there for Beck’s divisive and hateful message. What is your take on Glenn Beck’s appeal to the masses?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?

WARNNN: So you don't think that this is really grass-roots populism? That Beck channels the so-called “silent conservative majority” against the “liberal elites?”

Obi-Wan Kenobi: (shakes head no)

WARNNN: Did the Tea Party Movement start it then?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did.

WARNNN: What about extremist candidates like Rich Iott, Christine O'Donnell, Carl Paladino and Sharron Angle?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own.

WARNNN: Well, then who's behind this explosion of Conservatism? Some have said it's just dumb luck on their part—a function of pure timing and coincidence.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck.

WARNNN: Fox News Republicans, then?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

WARNNN: Very strong words. However, there does seem to be a lot of intentional political trickery on the part of Fox News personalities. Especially Glenn Beck.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them…

WARNNN: Well then, what advice can you give progressive commentators and bloggers who want to try and do their part to combat the New Right and the power of the Republican Right-wing eliminationist echo chamber?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Jundland wastes are not to be traveled lightly.

WARNNN: Meaning?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Democrats are easily startled but they will soon be back and in greater numbers... they're on the move.

WARNNN: Do you have any final thoughts on Glenn Beck and the other Fox News commentators?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: The flaw of power is arrogance.

WARNNN: And any final thought for Glenn Beck's viewers?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: They have allowed this dark lord to twist their minds. Until now, they have become the very thing they have sworn to destroy. Ultimately, Glenn Beck is not the show they're looking for. His viewers should move along.


CNu said...

WARNNN: What about extremist candidates like Rich Iott, Christine O'Donnell, Carl Paladino and Sharron Angle?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own.

thas the money-shot right thurr...,

chaunceydevega said...

There is a tractor beam at work here. Where is it coming from?

Reggie said...

Every single time I think that Glenn Beck can't possibly beat the stupid shit he's said, he goes and proves me wrong. the force WARN.