Saturday, January 3, 2009

Chauncey DeVega says: Some New Year's Predictions for 2009

Another year has come and gone. The truism that time speeds up as we grow older does indeed feel least to this 30 something negro. For many years, one of my favorite New Year's eve activities (in addition to drinking, revelry, and all around debauchery) has been listening to the turn of the year special edition of the radio show, Coast to Coast AM.

This show is notable because 1) Art Bell, the original host of the show, leaves retirement, returns to the mic, and proceeds to share his unique brand of wit, insight, and seemingly infinite patience with the Coast to Coast AM family; and 2) the audience, with Art Bell's gentle encouragement, makes a range of predictions that are frightening because they all too often turn out to be both true and entertaining, while simultaneously being for the most part utterly ridiculous--yet delivered with the weight and sincerity of a religious proclamation.

Taking a cue from Art Bell's Coast to Coast AM, I bring you my mix of predictions--ridiculous, serious, prophetic, and absurd as they may be. In 2009 I predict that:

1. The party ends for Barack Obama, as the Blagojevich scandal lays bare the corrupt core of Chicago politics. Obama is dirtied as being "guilty by association," and the mainstream media--prodded by Right Wing talk radio and Fox News--make this one of their dominant memes for the first part of 2009.
2. The "N-word" was buried in 2008. 2009 will see funerals for racism and Black politics. Funeral plans for poverty, heterosexism, and general stupidity have yet to be announced.
3. Tom Brady will be forced to sit out the 2009 NFL season. Matt Cassel and the New England Patriots, enraged by missing the 2008 playoffs, begin a reign of terror in the NFL that ends with them winning the 2009 Superbowl. Tom Brady is traded to the Detroit Lions the following season.
4. The economic crisis of 2008 could result in two radically different outcomes. In the first scenario, America takes the lead in evolving capitalism forward: the result is a new Pax Americana. In the second scenario, the economic crisis results in a global Depression that lasts for at least 3 years. Tens of millions of Americans are made homeless and tent cities become a common sight across the country.
5. Oprah Winfrey, long dogged by rumors that Gail King, her longtime friend, is actually her lover, finally comes out of the closet when Gail, upset over Oprah's close relationship with Michelle Obama, threatens to release incriminating photos of her and Oprah in a post-coital embrace. Stedman releases a tell all book, "My Life as Oprah's Beard." The book stays atop the New York Time's best seller list for 52 weeks.
6. Al-Qaeda activates its sleeper cells and unleashes a coordinated attack on mass transit systems across the United States. Always evolving, Al-Qaeda uses white European women, many of them Chechens, to carry out the attacks.
7. A South American country, quite likely Brazil, suffers a Mumbai style attack, which leaves hundreds dead, and thousands injured.
8. In its last major policy act, the Bush administration orders a massive air strike on Iran's nuclear program and military infrastructure. Iran retaliates by ordering its Al Quds forces in Iraq to destabilize the nascent civilian government. The United States is forced to halt its withdrawal of forces from Iraq. In a Tet Offensive style assault, the Taliban launch a nationwide offensive against NATO forces in Afghanistan. NATO forces, stung by mounting casualties, begin to plan an imminent withdrawal from the country.
9. In an effort to distract the public from the mounting economic crisis and his plummeting popularity among white, Obama Republicans and "Middle Americans," Barack Obama opens long-classified files which conclusively prove that life exists on other planets, and that UFO's have visited the Earth thousands of times. Riley Martin is appointed director of NASA's Human-Extraterrestrial First Contact Project:

10. China is emboldened by the success of its Navy's mission to counter piracy in the Gulf of Aden. The Chinese leadership, as students of history, decide to take a cue from what was a then rising power, the United States, and its mission to fight the Barbary pirates in North Africa. Accordingly, China leads an expeditionary force to stabilize Somalia and the surrounding region. They succeed fabulously. China begins to increase their power projection throughout Africa in an effort to secure key natural resources.
11. With the declining price of oil, the leadership of Arab petro-states find themselves increasingly unpopular among their citizens. Unable to provide subsidies and services to their people, the regimes of several OPEC countries are overthrown by Islamo-fascist political parties. The United States, China, and the EU convene a conference in response to this crisis but they cannot come to a consensus. The West braces for a series of inevitable terror attacks.
12. Bill Cosby wins a MacArthur genius grant for his work to improve the life chances of young people in underclass communities.
13. The movie Black Dynamite wins the Oscar for best picture:

14. The "healthy" eating zoning initiatives gain traction across the United States. Predictably, over the course of several months inner city communities see the mass closure of fast food restaurants. Unable to find food in their neighborhoods, these denizens begin traveling to the suburbs to shop for food and other necessities. In a domino effect, niche supermarkets such as Whole Foods and Trader Joe's are forced to accept Link cards and food stamps. They are also forced to carry sugar water and other ghetto sundries. The customer base of these stores demand immediate action to stop the intrusion of "ghetto interlopers." Obama, in one of the most controversial acts of his presidency, issues an executive order mandating equal access to fast food for all Americans as guaranteed by the equal protection clause of the Constitution.
15. With consumer confidence at all time low, and the retail sector in crisis, Obama, with the full support of Congress, signs a economic stimulus package that erases credit card debt, as well as all other types of unsecured debt held by the American public. This bill resuscitates the economy as Americans begin shopping and spending money at rates never before seen. Consequently, the economy grows at an unprecedented rate of 10 percent. Economists begin hand wringing over looming hyper-inflation.


rawdawgbuffalo said...

have a blessed 2009 folk

Anonymous said...

Best wishes for a year filled with love, laughter, happiness and discovery.