Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Chauncey DeVega says: White History Month Week 2--More Great White Inventions Revealed

We are now at the midpoint of White History Month. April has been a grand time. It seems that White History Month is making the days a little brighter, and the weather a bit warmer. All praise White History Month!

Great White Inventions Week 2

Invention Number 1: The Salad Spinner

White folks are great pioneers of inventing time saving devices--the cotton gin, chattel slavery, Tivo, the millisecond, morbid obesity, and premature ejaculation. The salad spinner is a must have kitchen appliance that is brilliant in its simplicity: you insert the salad into the bowl and then spin away...can it be made any easier? We no longer need to spend precious time pouring salad dressing into a bowl and then shaking and tossing those heavy, leafy greens. It took the genius of our White brothers and sisters to make this must have invention a reality. Do yourself a favor and go to Walmart, or alternatively stay up late at night for the infomercial, and buy one of these wonderful White inventions.

Invention Number 2: The Swiffer Wet Mop

Have you ever wanted to push dirt around on the floor with a huge maxipad? If so, then the Swifter Wet Mop is the perfect invention. College students, graduate students, and other urban dwellers with linoleum floors collectively laid awake at night in prayer: oh God, where is my Swiffer? How can I give the appearance of having a clean floor when guests and relatives come calling? Our prayers were answered by this now indispensable cleaning device. Oh White God, what other cleaning devices do you have in store for us in the future? Perhaps a robotic vacuum?

Invention Number 3: Lysol Disinfectant Spray

I love Lysol. It is one of my White vices. The antiseptic smell reminds me of the hospital, and when its scent hits my nose I know I am in a clean house. Me and Gordon have an ongoing debate in regards to this product where I contend that black people prefer room deodorizer, and old black women are especially fond on any cleaning product you can put on the rug and then vacuum up, while White people prefer Lysol. Random fact: did you know that Lysol was originally marketed as a feminine hygiene product?

Your thoughts my respectable negro allies? Lysol or room deodorizer? And how do inscents fit in? I would argue that inscents are the Esperanto of room/air fresheners because every group enjoys the wonderful scents of Vanilla, Passion, Roses, or Sandalwood--Mexicans, Indians, Black, Asian, White...Am I wrong? Are inscents a means to bring peace to our fractured world?

Invention Number 4: The Penis Pump

No, I am not going to recycle tired stereotypes that black men have large penises, nope wouldn't do it, and it ain't true. Interestingly, while stereotypes are usually labels which people run from, I don't see too many brothers running from this stereotype at all, if anything it is one embraced and held close, even if it may not be true. To clarify, I am not asserting that White people are the only ones to spend time worrying about the size of their organs (and spending time reflecting on how to make their penises grow larger). For example, Arabs have a technique called jelqing--a method which many folks swear by (I didn't have the discipline to keep up with my regimen):

Jelqing Pt.1 - Full Version - Click here for funny video clips

Both The Kama Sutra and The Perfumed Garden describe a technique in which a man puts his flaccid penis through a flat piece of wood and then proceeds to rub bee or wasp stingers on the now engorged organ (I was too scared). Apparently, the chemicals in the stingers promote blood circulation and the growth of one's penis. The penis pump is a uniquely White invention because it combines White civilization's particular gift for technical innovation with a refined appreciation for laziness. If it is good enough for Austin Powers, it is good enough for me. Respectable negroes, join me in praise as I give thanks to White civilization for all the gifts it has bestowed upon us.

Invention Number 4: S/M and Kink

Black folk don't like to be tied up. Black folk don't find being tied up by their lovers at all sexy. Only White, black folk get off on S/M and kink. Moreover, there are no black people who enjoy role playing, this is especially true where said person of color is the "bottom" (black Americans cannot be "bottoms" because of the ever present fear of said Negro having a slavery flashback and killing the person dominating them).

This is truly a White invention because there are no black people that enjoy kink or S/M. This is especially true of scenarios where their non-black partner calls them all manner of racial slurs in a sex ritual that makes such offensive language less powerful through a cathartic process of exposure, power play, and sexual release (this is actually the dynamic to which those ign'ts who argue about the relative merits of "nigger" versus "nigga" are really trying to speak). There are no black men, men such as Chauncey DeVega, who would gladly take a job as an S/M Dom if he could beat the hell out of rich, powerful, White men--and get paid lots of money to do it. Nah, not him, because he is too black and too strong. Yes, the Japanese are into erotic rope play, they call it Shibari, but they probably learned that from the White man. Kink and S/M are uniquely White inventions, inventions that White folks such as the Marquis De Sade and the owners of Formula One racing teams are both uniquely, and particularly, adept at.

Invention Number 5: Oral Sex

Black people, and people of color more generally, do not indulge in oral sex. From the Caribbean to Africa, and throughout the Diaspora, black people will readily tell you that oral sex is something unique to White people. Black women do not perform fellatio--you didn't know that it was demeaning and reminds them of sexual subordination and rape? Black men do not go down on women--in black vernacular speech it is called "bowing"--an Africanism which survived the Middle Passage. In fact, White folks have pioneered the introduction of oral sex, specifically, and the use of one's lips and mouth for erotic play, more generally, to the world. For example, the Japanese did not kiss (as the mouth was believed unclean) until Europeans introduced the practice in the 19th century. If that is the case for the Japanese, then Africans and Inuits were certainly not using their mouths for any unclean purposes until they encountered Europeans. Ohh praise cunnilingus and fellatio! Wonderful gifts to all, gifts made possible only through the Europeans' curiosity and willingness to eat anything! And I really, really, really, mean this most sincerest of thanks...


Werner Herzog's Bear said...

To answer your query: Lysol. My mother (a cleaning freak) sprays the stuff with wild abandon. We were always expected to spray it in the bathroom when we took shits.
Lysol has sadly changed since my youth, in the old days it came in a stylish gold colored can and had a kind of industrial death smell that could negate just about anything. Nowadays I spray some of the more modern Lysol when my cat lets loose one of her nasty shits, and she pretty much overpowers it. Then again I think the military ought to study my cat, they might find the key to a kind of unstoppable stink weapon.

Lady Zora, Chauncey DeVega, and Gordon Gartrelle said...

What is "racist" about any of these posts? Furthermore, how do you define racist? I think this is a common problem where conversations about race became labeled as racist? And as you keep reading we are pretty hard on everyone...that is the point of this project. In fact, for white history month, the point was to be ironic and parody black history month. So how is that racist? Black folk are made fun of as almost a matter of fact in this country, why can't white people take a joke?


Lady Zora, Chauncey DeVega, and Gordon Gartrelle said...

I hope you are kidding? Put on BET or look at mainstream popular culture---black foolishness, stereotyping, and basically race minstrelsy all performed by black "artists" for white owned corporations.

Listen to conservative talk radio or watch fox news (or the evening news for that matter) and you will repeatedly see black people denigrated mocked, and lampooned...


Anonymous said...

I am a white woman and I think this is hilarious. Some white people can take a joke! My friend and I were joking around saying we should declare January white history month and just have fun with it and look someone has beat us to it. I love this! More power to ya!

Anonymous said...

go get a fucking life. try dating women instead of sitting in front of the computer writing rascist blogs. becouse we all know you live at home alone.

Lady Zora, Chauncey DeVega, and Gordon Gartrelle said...

Be nice anonymous.

I live in my mother's attic!

geez...there is no pleasing some people.

chauncey devega