Monday, November 19, 2007

Prominent Black Athletes: Public Enemy #1

Barry Bonds' gigantic dome was indicted on federal perjury and obstruction of justice charges last week. Ignore for a second that the indictment is bullshit, and just think about the fact that, in the last few years, the biggest individual draws in professional football , basketball, track, and now baseball (all of them black), have been brought up on serious legal charges.

I guess that the daily barrage of stories about athletes’ legal problems makes it hard to see how truly remarkable this is.

According to supporters of stale organizations like the NAACP, these indictments are evidence of a racist witch hunt by white folks looking to take down influential black people. These shakedown clowns give respectable negroes a bad name.

...But I digress. Based on the events of the last couple of years, all bets are off. We may see black athletes charged with all kinds of crazy shit. If I were a black athlete, I’d retire immediately, hire a driver (but never show that driver my shotgun), refuse to set foot in a strip club, and avoid white women like the plague.

My predictions:

March 2008: Freddy Adu is charged with identity theft for trying to impersonate Don Cheadle (I know they don’t really look alike, but there are very few dark-skinned celebrities these days. It’s like an El-Debarge/Al B. Sure revival).

August 2009: Venus and Serena get pinched for bootlegging moonshine on some Uncle Jesse shit (the one from “DuKKKes of Hazzard,” not the one from “Full House”).

February 2010: The black half of Tiger Woods is found to be behind an international Asian sex slavery ring.

November 2010: Whoever the token black NASCAR driver will be is arrested on the track and charged with DWB.

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