As We Are Respectable Negroes moves forward, I am going to be doing more posts on sex and relationships. Why? Because I enjoy talking about such matters. Also, sex is one of the common denominators that ties us all together. And I am hedonistic lascivious ghetto nerd whose motto is "if it feels good, do it." Is any other explanation for our deeds and actions ever necessary?
In another life, I would have been an advice columnist. I am both self-important and egotistical enough to believe that I have valuable wisdom to offer strangers. I am a good listener. I am nosy. I have also had enough bizarre experiences in life--and am at peace with them--to be able to have the confidence to advise others. I also like power...unlimited power to quote Star Wars' Emperor Palpatine. I reason that giving advice will be the closest I get to being the hegemon. I am at peace with that.
There was a belated comment on this post about sex, race, and cuckolding from a few months back. Said comment reads like a badly written sex fantasy on an interracial Mandingo sex party website.
In the future, I am going to be adding a link for questions and advice here on We Are Respectable Negroes. I already get quite a few of these queries where good people ask me, "what would you do in x situation?" It could be useful to formalize the process.
Whatever its origins, this comment is good practice for all of us as we develop our "tree of trust," faux therapist, voice. What advice would you offer our anonymous advice seeker?
I first noticed that my seemingly respectful white, middle class, PTA going wife had a desire for colored men when we where alone on vacation last year. A tall very well built and handsome black man was sitting at the table next to us and she could not keep her eyes off of him. I was a bit disturbed at how openly she was staring then flirting with him right in front of me! We had talked a bit about swinging and had agreed the first times would be mfm, just so until she could become comfortable with all of it, at least that was what she told me.
To make this short as possible, she whispered to me that if I wanted to "swing" this guy would be a fantastic start! She told me to buy him a drink and have it sent over, something the waitress really raised her eyebrows over! He was surprised too but came over and sat next to her. Soon she was about sitting on his lap and putting her hand on his leg. We went back to our hotel room and she changed into a really hot thing I had bought her but it didn't stay on long. I watched as he pulled out his cock (much bigger than mine but not porn star big) and then had sex. She acted like she never fucked someone before and when it was over she looked so satisfied, something I had never seen her be.
It has happened over and over and always with black men. I am never allowed to join and sometimes not even allowed to watch. We never played with any women and she says we never will. Three months ago she told me she was pregnant and that it may not be mine. I don't know how to deal with that?In reading your comment in response to our conversation about interracial sex and cuckolding relationships, one aspect of your sharing immediately comes to mind. Our fantasies reveal the deepest aspects of our desires, wants, yearnings, and yes, insecurities. Oftentimes, those things that make us most scared are a source of great erotic pleasure for us. I do not know if your email is a description of an event which took place--or is more likely a fantasy that you would like to share--regardless, there is so much truth-telling here. Vulnerability to ourselves is a virtue. Do not run away from such a rare moment.
I have to ask, "what do you want?" While this accounting of events is on the surface just about your wife, I would suggest that it is really about you. Are you attracted to men? Are you particularly attracted to black men? Our society is profoundly anti-gay. It is not too hospitable to men who are attracted to both sexes. Your self-denial would be expected. While we can reason through it, denial is not a decision-rule that either leads to happiness, or a fully integrated self that can be sexually fulfilled and made whole.
As such, many of us take years to come to terms with the full range of behavior that comprises our sexuality. There is no shame in being at the beginning of this process. What is problematic, is if you are lying both to yourself, and your partner. Again, what do you want? What would make you happy? How do you want to be treated...and how do you ideally want to treat others?
I ask that question directly because ultimately we teach people how to treat us. The lesson you are teaching your partner is that it is okay to have sex with other people. It is especially okay, welcome, and encouraged that she have sex with black men while you are present. Would you be upset if she did this alone? Based on your email, I believe that you want to be present in that moment. There is a sense of possession and control there. Although, you would like to play the "victim," you have the real power in the relationship. I suspect that this arouses you.
Your wife is quite satisfied by this arrangement. Why wouldn't she be? She gets to have sex with another man. She also gets to indulge a race play fantasy, with all of the excitement that comes with dancing around the colorline, and our society's still very present and real social taboos about interracial sex. You get to watch and find release, either physically or emotionally. Your wife is therefore freed of any sense of guilt, or that something could be wrong in your relationship. She gets off; she also gets to feel magnanimous and generous because she indulges her husband's sexual desires. Her life is pretty neat and secure as a result. Is yours?
A question. Are you more satisfied by the idea of her pleasure with other men, and your being denied your own? Or are you more excited by living vicariously through her? Alternatively, are you guilty and scared of admitting what you really need and want sexually?
One of the most influential and controversial artists of the 1980s and 1990s was a man named Robert Mapplethorpe. He was the photographer who took the picture, "The Man in Polyester Suit." I would like you to find that picture and study it.
I would also like you to take some time alone, and really think about what arouses you sexually. When you are alone, do you think of your wife and/or other women? Or do you think of random men (or acquaintances) and your wife's black partners? Do you think of all of you together at one time? Are you watching? Just having sex with one, all of them, none of them? Masturbating as a voyeur? Or would you like to be with the men your wife has sex with?
The answer will be very revealing. The heart and the body can have erotic desires and fixations that are separate from those of the mind and our conscious will. What do you really yearn for? I am worried that you are denying your own physical pleasure. If you do that long enough it will cause resentment towards your wife. Why should she have all of the fun? Remember, it is okay to be selfish on occasion. If your greatest satisfaction does truly come from being a voyeur and a cuckold, embrace it without regret and complaint.
Discover the answer. Then sit down and talk with your wife about it. If you are honest, and she is honest, you can both love each other in a healthy way. My one suggestion would be that you should never deny your own heart, body, mind, or soul. If you do that, the result--at some point--is misery and resentment. Life is too short to take that route. Make yourself happy. Ideally, your happiness will include your wife as well.