Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Florida Police Shoot Devious Negro Named Roy Middleton Who Was Using Unobtanium to Transform His Cigarette Into a Gun While Burgling a Car!

As I did in my series on "White Crime", I enjoy writing in different voices as a means of revealing a deeper truth, and deconstructing how language can mask and hinder truth-telling. Playing with language and adopting different voices and rhetorical strategies is also a powerful means to expose the the logic of the colorline, one that while most certainly changed over the decades, still has many constants across time.

Several days ago, police in Florida shot and almost killed a black man who was "guilty" of getting a cigarette out of his own car which was parked in front of his own house. Of course, the police claim that he was armed. And yes, Roy Middleton had no weapons, nor was he a threat to them.

As we have seen in hundreds if not thousands of instances in the United States, black men and women with harmless objects are shot and killed by police who believe that items as varied as cell phones and house keys are lethal weapons.

I enjoy the rhetorical style used by newspapers at the turn of the 20th century. The language is so exciting and visual--and the editorial tone not hidden behind some guise or lie of a slogan such as "fair and balanced"--that it is a perfect fit for the continual absurdity of black and brown folks being shot dead by the police for holding harmless objects.
Brave constables and courageous citizens brought down a negro rapscallion who was caught in the act of burgling automobiles in the fair community of Escambia County, Florida over the weekend.

Responding to a phone call from an alert citizen, our good men in blue set out to stop the devious brigand from practicing his craft in the late night hours. They came upon the fiend mid-crime. With great courage and speed our brave constables confronted Roy Middleton as he was rummaging through the conveyance for items to steal in order to fuel his likely addictions to that most foul reefer which has brought down so many negros or that vile alcohol which has broken the Christian temperance of too many good people across the land.

His 60 years of experience as a criminal and the cover of the shadows on that Saturday evening which concealed his coal black skin gave the panther-like thief an advantage over our local constables. Showing great mercy and at great risk to themselves they attempted to stop the thieving crook instead of shooting him dead on the spot for his transgressions against civility, virtue, and property.

Our men who wear blue and carry the truncheon of justice in our defense are nothing if not charitable and good fellows.

If he had not been so greedy and rapacious in his desire to pilfer and rummage through the automobile for items to sell in order to fuel his vices, Roy Middleton would have likely escaped, disappearing into the shadows and the bushes like so many other colored highwaymen who lurk and come about at night to prey on the vulnerable and the trusting. 

Middleton turned to confront the police and in that moment revealed his weapon. Not content to surrender or accept the offer of civilized parlay from the local constables, he mouthed offenses and deceptions as he stood tall showing his full simian features, broad shoulders, and large hands that could shatter a man’s neck with ease. The menace was heavy in the air.

Middleton then used unobtanium, that most evil and wicked mineral which works only when held in the hand of the negro to transform a cigarette into a gun. Oh how our good society has run amok, imperiled and threatened by the high-headed scientists working from some ancient playbook taken from the heart of antiquity and darkest, savage, Africa who invented unobtanium as a means of empowering the colored race! Christ turned water into wine in the greatest of miracles, and scientists working in Europe struggled to master alchemy for centuries. What they could not master, the negro race has done so in America!

It is impossible that the colored race, they themselves only several generations removed from slavery and the barbarism of Africa’s jungles created unobtanium, but they have mastered its use! The inversions and twists on reality that made such a thing possible boggle the mind. The stuff of the pulps and the fantasy magazines has come true before our very eyes. What other evils await us as the warnings about technology and wisdom handed down to us from the time of Prometheus have been discarded and ignored to our collective peril!

Faced with no other choice, the police shot the goon. Their mercy and wisdom was shown even under threat of imminent harm, wounding the monster with a fusillade of bullets instead of outright killing him. 

Roy Middleton is now confined to the hospital under guard, where he still utters lies that he is innocent and only had a cigarette and other harmless objects in his ape-like magically empowered hands! Of course, the unobtanium has dissolved into the ether as it is prone to do once used by a negro in committing a devilish crime.

The highwayman yammers and screams a defense from his hospital bed, but we good white citizens of the United States know better.

We implore the many good and respectful negros in our fair land to take advantage of the great liberties and freedoms available to them here. Become beacons of light for your race instead of anchors encased in lead, or clarion callers who create discord and mayhem by not preaching order and civility to the impressionable and highly emotional negro race.  

The truth-tellers among you are the most noble members of your race and are a shining beacon of black respectability, temperance, and virtue who are the equal of any of the best class of white people.  Men of iron will and character such as Don Lemon, Larry Elder, Thomas Sowell, Shelby Steele, Herman Cain, Dr. Ben Carson, Jesse Lee Peterson, E.W.Jackson, and Pastor James Manning should be shining stars leading the colored race to their rightful place as brothers and sisters in human civilization.

The trouble-makers, rapscallions, and race agitators among the negro race will bring nothing but discord and suffering. As we speak, negros are burgling, raping, murdering, and rioting across the country as they use that most vicious and devious of inventions known as unobtanium to turn bags of candy, refreshing liquid beverages, house keys, chocolate bars, and telephones into deadly weapons which they then use to fight law and order. 

White America stands restrained, being pummeled, and her patience challenged by this torrent of crime from the negro race, running out from its communities like so much waste water and sewage where it stains the fairways and stinks up the bucolic air of those neighborhoods where good white people live. This newspaper cannot promise for how long White America will allow her safety and security to be imperiled before acting!

White America pleads with the negro people to follow your best instincts, wisdom, and Christian virtue as you swear off the use of such trickster-ways and devious prevarications against the local constabulary, your neighbors, and the white citizenry.

We are all Americans who hear liberty and freedom's call and kneel down at the beneficence of the Constitution and our great nation, what is a shining city on the hill. 


Stephen Kearse said...

Phenomenal. Ann Coulter herself couldn't have done a better job.

Speaking of Ann, she's one of the few high profile conservatives that openly expresses her contempt for non-WASPs without masking it with barely deniable subterfuge.

chauncey devega said...

and she dates Jimmy Walker from Good Times. Ain't life funny? I like to have fun with these posts. I am glad one other person gets the joke.

Stephen Kearse said...

Man, that's something you couldn't even make up. I'm genuinely laughing.

RiPPa said...

"They came upon the fiend mid-crime. With great courage and speed our brave constables confronted Roy Middleton as he was rummaging through the conveyance for items to steal in order to fuel his likely addictions to that most foul reefer which has brought down so many negros or that vile alcohol which has broken the Christian temperance of too many good people across the land."

I literally laughed out loud when I got to that point in the post. Awesome job as per usual, sir.

chauncey devega said...

Thanks. I am glad that good negro gentlemen such as yourself found my golden phrases that were blessed by the angels of temperance and virtue pleasing the eye and the ear.

Barry said...

Fantastic tongue-in-cheekism.
"unobtanium"? Hilarious.

old soul said...

He would have cured Cancer.

George Smith said...

William Randolph Hearst, were he still around, would certainly toast your prose.

Jeff Hall said...

Fantastic. I thought I was reading a Southern newspaper from 1913.