Monday, January 7, 2013

My Advice for a Black Woman Whose White Boyfriend "Just Used the N-Word"

Dear Prudence, the advice column at Slate has a case that I thought worthy of engaging to start the week. Prudence offered up some reasonable--and I think very careful thinking--in response to a black woman whose white boyfriend called one of her friends a "nigger."

"Unspeakable," the woman who wrote Prudence ended her letter with the following: "He came to me and apologized profusely and had tears in his eyes while doing so. I accepted his apology because it was completely out of character for him, but I am now questioning our relationship. What do you think?

Channeling my best advice columnist voice, here are my thoughts on the matter. What advice would you give her?
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I can only imagine your hurt at having someone you care for use such language. One of the challenges of the post civil rights era, and especially the "post racial" multicultural moment where we as a society have internalized a "colorblind" set of scripts and rules for public discourse, is that white Americans have created bogeyman outliers who they can easily mock and deride as "evil" racists, "those people," or throwbacks.
 
The reality is far more troubling and challenging: the racist is looking at us in the mirror, he or she is our friend, neighbor, relative, or colleague. In many instances, white racism has simply moved to the "backstage" where it is couched in racial humor, tweeted online as a "joke," makes itself polite by using the language of "bad culture," white privilege laced opines about "American individualism," the Horatio Alger myth, or "real America."

Contemporary white racism also slips out in casual conversation when said person thinks they are among like minded people. This is a double hurt in your case because the great reveal was by someone who you consider an intimate. You had presumed that this white man who loves a black woman would not use such speech to describe another black person. You were proven wrong.


On these matters, my decision-rule is a simple one. People are what they do. People who say racist things are racists. People who say homophobic things are anti-gay. People who say sexist things are sexist. Of course, there are ranges of behavior here. A person who calls someone a nigger, and is then apologetic about it, is a different type of racist than someone who holds a Klan card. However, both party's attitudes and beliefs flow from the same fetid waters. In many ways, the latter is simply more honest and direct than the former about what is a basic disrespect towards the humanity and dignity of black and brown people. 

Your boyfriend is a racist. I will repeat that observation: your boyfriend is a racist. At present, "racist" is a word that has been so overused and misapplied (largely because of the Right's cooptation of the word "racism" in order to make the category so narrow, twisted, and bizarre, as to only apply in the case of newspeak and other related white victimology fictions such as "reverse racism"), we are often afraid to use it even when necessary and accurate. In the case of your boyfriend, it is clear that he harbors anti-black animus which has crossed over into racist speech.

The question then becomes, what are you going to do about it? How do his attitudes make you feel? Are you willing to be the person who recuperates him? Alternatively, are you willing to concede that people are complicated, contradictory, and often befuddling? Your boyfriend would not be the first (or the last) white man to "love" an individual black person but have contempt for black people. Are you comfortable with accepting that fact?

I do not believe in political correctness litmus tests for everyone in your social circle. Life is not perfect. There are folks who you may like casually talking to at the bar, that you pair up with in a bowling league, or who occasionally come by for big social gatherings and block parties, that are also racists, bigots, homophobes, sexists, or otherwise intolerant. Your boyfriend of six months is not one of those people. Your standards must be higher in order to protect your mental health, spiritual peace, and personal safety.

The heart wants what the heart wants. You happen to be a woman of color who developed feelings for a white guy. I embrace interracial dating because I respect people's choices about their own happiness. I am also transparent: I have loved, been loved by, and been involved with women of many different racial backgrounds. Beyond the realm of the public, my particular brand of Black Pragmatism extends to the bedroom as well.

But, and again this is a problem particular to "post racial" America, love across the color line in this political and social moment comes with relatively little risk, danger, or consequence. During Jim and Jane Crow for example, you would likely have to have a substantive conversation about the color line and your relationship because the stakes were much higher, the risk of personal harm and social sanction much greater.

At six months, you may not have discussed how race impacts your personhood and life experiences as a woman of color in this society. You may not have talked about issues of child-rearing and identity. Perhaps, because you were in the early stages of your relationship, the two of you were caught up in the bliss of something new and wonderful. Accordingly, you had avoided the hard questions. 

As I mentioned above, spiritual and mental peace are important for happiness. You cannot have a healthy relationship if you are robbed of those basics. One of the challenges of being a person of color in a society that is structured by systems of racial inequality, and where racial "micro-aggressions" take a heavy toll on black and brown folks' health and well-being, is that our experiences with racism are often denied by otherwise well-meaning white people.

Racism is considered a fiction of our imaginations, until we "prove" in a manner sufficient and acceptable to the White Gaze, that said events did in fact take place. And even then, black and brown folks risk being told that we are being "too sensitive" and to "just get over it." In a healthy relationship across the color line, you need to make sure that your experiences will be validated and respected. Do you want to have a relationship with someone where discussions of this nature start off not with good listening, empathy, and respect, but rather as an uphill battle with someone overly identified with Whiteness (as demonstrated by his racist speech) and who needs to be convinced that your experiences as a person of color are valid? Will you have peace in such a relationship?

In your letter, you mentioned your boyfriend's obvious upsetness and crying. When white people are confronted about white privilege, and also in conversations where their racism has been exposed, there are several common deflections deployed.

Tears are common. Instead of being reflective about their own values and ill-behavior, crying is a way of making you sympathize with them, and the hurt that comes with being embarrassed for their bigoted and racist behavior as either active or passive supporters of white supremacy. Your boyfriend's performance is a way for Whiteness to recenter itself in the conversation. Do not fall for the theatrics. Ask him to stop crying and to talk in a cogent and direct way about his values, beliefs, attitudes, and why he called your friend a nigger.

I would also like you to reflect on your 2 years of knowing him, and 6 months of a dating relationship. People show us who they are in little ways. What other things has your boyfriend said about black people? Has he ever said that you were "special" or "one of the good ones?" What is his social circle like? Who are his friends? What are his politics like?

Racists typically give many tells or hints as to what their true nature is. I doubt that this incident is the first one revealing your boyfriend's negative attitudes towards black people. Racism is not spontaneous; it is a learned behavior which is internalized and reproduced both consciously and subconsciously, as well as through day-to-day behavior. Are you willing to love someone with such a basic flaw in their character? You will have to decide.

29 comments:

Ankhesen Mié said...

Do not fall for the theatrics. Ask him to stop crying and to talk in a cogent and direct way about his values, beliefs, attitudes, and why he called someone your friend a nigger.

Snap.

Anonymous said...

CD, would you end a relationship with a non black woman, who is blatantly disrespectful towards black women? Would you end a friendship with a man who was blatantly disrespectful towards women?

MB in CA

chaunceydevega said...

@ank. zing to you ;)

@mb. yes and yes. easy choice. what if i had a black daughter with said woman who is disrespectful to black women? how would she treat my mother? etc. etc.

Invisible Man said...

N*gga Please! Do you expend this much energy expounding on every topic???

So Chauncey you just admitted you bed white women, so let me ask you a question.

Have you ever dated a white women who called one of your friends a n*gger to they face? let me answer that for you "No", at lest I hope not unless you have some twisted fantasy about being back on a antebellum planation deep down south when da masta's away. I mean certain people roll like that unfortunately, but I'm not trying to judge. My point is this my brutha, this women, KNEW she had a "special white boy" and wanted that type of "special white boy". I mean look at it cause she got low self esteem. I got white friends and none of them would ever call one of my friends a N*gger, cause the N*ggas I know will would follow that up directly with some hot ones, the type of hot ones that travel at high speeds and crazy velocities. So she knew full well that this white boy was capable of that. I mean do think this was the first time he said something of that nature? Of course not. So I suggest she keep him and just make sure he never comes around her friends and makes sure she uses plenty of starch in his hood and robe.

chaunceydevega said...

@Invisible. Watch and learn. There are many styles in the dojo. You got your white belt now, but will move up the ranks. I mean that nicely.

These posts are fun and quick. Minimal energy and raise some good questions. Plus, I want to have an advice column feature here at some point so I need the practice.

More seriously. You used a very interesting word, "admitted." That implies something that is problematic, should be a source of guilt or shame, is criminal, something to avoid, etc. etc.

There is nothing shameful about bedding anyone if you have feelings for each other, lust, want, desire, attraction, curiosity, and are both free agents.

I bed women. They on occasion when I am lucky bed me. Neither events happen as much as I would like. I would love to get with an Orion woman or Klingon from Star Trek...now that would be something. I almost had a shot with a female klingon who worked out in vegas as the star trek bar. I had no game and missed her signals when I was trying to holla at a girl while she was in costume.

I could care less what their color is if they are on point in the ways that matter to me. As Redd Foxx said, in the dark and when we naked and doing the thing color don't matter. What does matter is who wiped their butt hole. Classic routine. Track it down.

I don't think dude has a hood. Those caricatures are distracting and do the work of white supremacy--however ironically. He is a "nice guy" which they all are at first, all men, until something happens when said "nice guy" turned out to be a nice guy who is a racist.

This post racial colorblind mess has folks so twisted. They don't ask basic questions and then are surprised when they see what they are dealing with. Not discussing race is the problem in these types of relationships.

Invisible Man said...

Whelp Vega, again you are untouchable, and I don't compliment easy. Yea, do you thang, life is strange and we are better for it as we grow into our own skins if we are lucky. And I would be lying if I were to pretend that I'm a Black Nationalist, matter of fact, I call myself an internationalist. But sometimes that's just hard in Chicago, the most segregated city in the nation, it gets easy to play up to it. I know its a weakness.

But on material point of the topic I can't secede, Unless said boyfriend said something to the effect of" N*gg(a) please" that's one thing.

But! If he used the world as in " you Black N*gg(er)! that's a whole different thing. That's Hood and Robe sh*t. and I think you know it. Those are fighting words.

And I'll tell you something else
One of my best friends owns the public house
of which I have a reserved seat. Frankly, I use the word a lot and every so often so does he. Not often but he does. He also has the keys to my home and has walked my dog when I've been on vacation. His wife and he have been in my home for dinner and parties and vice versa. And he's got more heart than most people I know. We have squared off against more than on gang banger ( I don't live in Wicker Park) trying to take over my homestead and his bar Do I deny him the privilege amongst men to use the word that clearly I love and because of the way I love the word, he wants to use it? needless to say he doesn't call me it. It's like this, I'd rather Eminem or MC Search use the word over Shaun Goofy Combs aka P. Silly. So as much as I might beat the drum, I'm flexible. Maybe she use should have provided the context of how it was used.

Hotep!

I.M

chaunceydevega said...

@IM. As I read it, it was "nigger" as in angry at the person and saying that slur as such.

I don't deal with the "nigga" vs. "nigger" debate. Toxins are toxins even if they are sugar coated and you choose to self administer it orally as opposed to getting it as a forced enema.

Been to the public house. Is a cool spot. Like I said, let's connect and build one day. Could be fun.

Hurikane El Swiss said...

black people say nigger/nigga all the time so it must be ok for everyone to say it too, right ?

fred c said...

It's very nice to give people the benefit of the doubt, and context is often everything, but this problem is much simpler than that. For a white man, just don't go there. Not in the first person, the second or the third, not in reported speech, no, no, no. This is good advice, based on hard experience.

As for "Unspeakable's" boyfriend, even if he survives this episode, he'll be gone soon on other grounds. At best, he's one of those "Jackie Robinson/Michael Jackson" guys, and if you're not JR, MJ (or his girlfriend) please drink from the hose bib around the side and leave the bubbler for the white folk.

And Hurikane, you remind me of a Chinese guy I met in Germany one time. He'd taught himself some English, mostly from books, many of the books were Nineteenth Century (this was 1984). He asked me, when addressing a black man, should I call him a "nigra" or a "nigger?" He'd gotten the idea from "Huckleberry Finn." I told him he was lucky that he asked me. "Those can be dangerous now," I told him, "stick to black." My advice to you is the same.

(Notice that I've taken Nomad's advice about the "black," as opposed to "Black." After some additional reading and considering, I figure if it's good enough for Nomad and W.E.B. Du B., it's good enough for me.)

CNu said...

A failed people with no consequential institutions of their own are reduced to petty preoccupation with name calling.

No context or cause is given for what provoked the name calling. Dood didn't call her a nigger, so, absent any causal detail, i.e., did the other cat step to her inappropriately, did he infringe on the the white boyfriend's masculine dignity and perogatives (what happened?) we are to believe that her intimate relationship with this man is subordinate to her identification with a racial indignity not directed at her?

Sticks and stones..., and the fin d'siecle silliness of a failed race.

Long overdue time to stop all of this impotent posturing and just get with the full prerogatives of citizenship that the civil rights movement succeeded in obtaining.

Long overdue time to drop the imaginary citizenship/membership in a toothless racial classification that was imposed from outside and not generated from within.

Cause the snaggle-tooth crowd is not ready - nor has it ever been ready - for Black Empire.

No "R"'s branded on any cheeks, no life-taking retaliation for psyche-breaking cruelty taking place anywhere outside of folks fertile imaginations.

chaunceydevega said...

@cnu. "Cause the snaggle-tooth crowd is not ready - nor has it ever been ready - for Black Empire.

No "R"'s branded on any cheeks, no life-taking retaliation for psyche-breaking cruelty taking place anywhere outside of folks fertile imaginations." Fantasy and speculative fiction as the basis of good public policy? I think not. Interesting stuff to read in terms of black empire, and watch like Django.

"No context or cause is given for what provoked the name calling. Dood didn't call her a nigger, so, absent any causal detail, i.e., did the other cat step to her inappropriately, did he infringe on the the white boyfriend's masculine dignity and perogatives (what happened?) we are to believe that her intimate relationship with this man is subordinate to her identification with a racial indignity not directed at her?"

Given your preoccupation with "masculinity" as of late, I would think that you would pop someone in the mouth who called you a nigger. That word is based on denying black people their honor and dignity. Words have power, are a type of violence, and provoke/foundational for action. Why would you try to come up with reasons that he would be justified in calling her friend a nigger? Is it okay to call black people racial slurs in some contexts but not in others? Is this an extension of your jigaboo philosophy/habit? Are you intimates with people who call other black people nigger but considered you okay? Based on what you write here, I would think you would not be. Correct me if I am wrong.

Curious.

Also, you mention "white masculine dignity." I do hope you realize that in the U.S. in particular, that white masculine dignity was created and acted through by institutions and processes of white supremacy. White masculine dignity meant 1) emasculating--often quite literally black men 2) a monopoly on violence against people of color 3) rape 4) slavery and genocide and imperial projects against people who look like you.

Your interest in white masculinity and appeals to the clowns at blacktown.net make for odd bedfellows as neither, in the real world, would be able to coexist. How do you reconcile such dissonance?

CNu said...

Fantasy and speculative fiction as the basis of good public policy? I think not.

lol, Dr. John Dee contrived the incoporatus and the term British Impyre, sold Queen Elizabeth on it, and proceeded to have these entirely speculative fictions converted into the basis of reality as you live it today.

Central European khazar converts to Judaism seized Palestine 60-odd years ago by force of arms and lethal violence and have converted it into a nuclear power - all on the basis of purely fictive aspirational texts contrived from the 3rd to 1st centuries before the christian era.

Need I write more?

Given your preoccupation with "masculinity" as of late, I would think that you would pop someone in the mouth who called you a nigger. That word is based on denying black people their honor and dignity.

I don't confuse masculinity with failed racial identity. I haven't been called anything but Mr. to my face for longer than I can remember. But no, the answer is that I tend not to respond to verbal provocations at all because anger is not a tactically useful response.

CNu said...

(continued)

That word is based on denying black people their honor and dignity.

You mean like this?

or like this?

or especially like this?

Words have power, are a type of violence, and provoke/foundational for action.

Among children, the undisciplined, and those excessively identified with nonsense, sure.

Why would you try to come up with reasons that he would be justified in calling her friend a nigger? Is it okay to call black people racial slurs in some contexts but not in others?

Last time I punched a cat for an offense against vanity, was when I was 25 years old and knocked out a Boston Celtic player who stepped to the woman who would eventually become my wife - in my presence. I didn't bother to call him anything, without any further ado, I just gave him a concussion.

If this cat stepped to doods girlfriend like that, in his presence, and all he did was use a little harsh language, well...., it's a lot of bitchy males running around these days who don't hold it down old school.

Is it okay to call black people racial slurs in some contexts but not in others? Is this an extension of your jigaboo philosophy/habit? Are you intimates with people who call other black people nigger but considered you okay? Based on what you write here, I would think you would not be. Correct me if I am wrong.

The only people I know who routinely call black folks niggers are other black folks. Many of those same black folks are lightening fast to bust out with a hearty cracka-ass-cracka, faggoty-ass-faggot, or pretty much whatever else crosses their mind.

None call me anything ever, however, except my given name.

Also, you mention "white masculine dignity."

lol, no CDV - that's all you.

I wrote "her white boyfriend's masculine dignity" and I thought of it in precisely the same way I thought of my own masculine vanity back in the day when I impulsively cold cocked an arrogant athlete.

I do hope you realize that in the U.S. in particular, that white masculine dignity was created and acted through by institutions and processes of white supremacy. White masculine dignity meant 1) emasculating--often quite literally black men 2) a monopoly on violence against people of color 3) rape 4) slavery and genocide and imperial projects against people who look like you.

oh.will.you.stop.with.that.nonsense...,

None of that has happened to you in your lifetime. The absolute worst thing that may have happened in that regard is at that crazy hotdog stand in Chicago where black patrons go and trade epithets with the white proprietors.

OTOH, I'd bet you good money that some or another young ignant has called you something other than professor, Mr., C, or a child of god somewhere in public in Chicago.

Your interest in white masculinity and appeals to the clowns at blacktown.net make for odd bedfellows as neither, in the real world, would be able to coexist. How do you reconcile such dissonance?

I have no interest in white masculinity, and don't in fact draw racial distinctions concerning masculine inclinations. Sex seeking and status seeking are universal male tendencies. Violence is a universal male tendency.

As for the mayor blacktown, once again, I'm inclined to believe that his motives are sincere. I believe that Henry Makow, on the other hand, appears to me to have some male insecurity issues.

chaunceydevega said...

"I have no interest in white masculinity, and don't in fact draw racial distinctions concerning masculine inclinations"

You may not draw those distinctions but they most certainly exist. Anthropologists and many others have spent many lifetimes documenting said fact. As you point out, masculinity is different in rural pashtun than in beverly hills, appalachia, or the west side of chicago, or midtown manhattan, etc. etc. etc.

Sure there are some things in common, but again, huge arguments that lack nuance and overlook the local logic and specific historicity of a concept as broad as "masculinity" is a huge error in reasoning and theorization.

"I do hope you realize that in the U.S. in particular, that white masculine dignity was created and acted through by institutions and processes of white supremacy. White masculine dignity meant 1) emasculating--often quite literally black men 2) a monopoly on violence against people of color 3) rape 4) slavery and genocide and imperial projects against people who look like you.

oh.will.you.stop.with.that.nonsense...,

None of that has happened to you in your lifetime. "

nonsense? no. the truth which has structured the present and whose echoes still linger and structure our society. the world does not begin with your or my lifetime. You know that.

It is still present today when black people are denied the right of personal self defense across the colorline in the same way as white men have a de facto right to shoot and kill under these crazy Castle Doctrine laws.

Nevermind police brutality, and how black masculinity is viewed, still, as dangerous and black men are presumed hostile and dangerous until prove otherwise.

If you think calling someone nigger is just "bitchy" language that is a personal choice. Again, to your emphasis as of late on "masculine honor" I would think those would be fighting words. To each his own.

CNu said...

On the phone, so have to be curt.

Masculinity is universal in its sex and status seeking. All that differs is the means and extent of its expression. Bottomline, if you had a great bird of the galaxy under your command, you'd be perpetrating like James Tiberius Kirk on a stupendous and staggering scale....,

CNu said...

I'm too old and have too much at stake for peacock display and chickenheaded cockfighting. At midle-age there are only two speeds, leave me alone or I will leave you for dead.

CNu said...

P.s. you know, that I know, that you know that that Paul Mooney bit takes all the wind out of the vainglorious nigger paradox sail...,

Invisible Man said...

The beauty in my people( some of them) is we can take ugly and evil and make it Beautiful.

Like shooting a Black super hero with bullets, she/he stops the bullets in mid air, turning them into fine indigo.

The N word is that to me. I think that's why Tarantino loves the word too, cause I suspect he like a lot of Black people feels the power, the strength, and the humanity of it.

I saying, we have a lot of "Black" people ( I call them Negroes) who don't use the N word, yet do far more damage to other Black people, Negroes who say they love us and then repeatedly sale us down the river for a gold plated neck bone. Then go back and get us, so they can resale us even further down the river.

And I'm gonna tale yall another thing. Once a year,( maybe even twice) I eat chitlins,( the pre double cleaned ones) yea I said it. What? I cook them by myself and for myself as my aunt Murk taught me to to before she made her transition just like her mother taught her and on down the line to slavery. I feel like I'm bonding with all my people, those who were physically in-chained who came before me and lived so I can live. They ate it and loved it, as it wasn't no every day meal back then and so do I.

MilesEllison said...

White people just want an excuse to say nigger. That train is never late. Unspeakable should know this.

makheru bradley said...

She should cut the white boy loose b/c he was not smart enough to come with a preposterous lie, such as, “I just saw Django and that word was just stuck in my mind.” Or “I listen to the same entertainers the POTUS listens to--Lil Wayne, Jayz, Kanye.” Or, “I said nigga not nigger.”

OTOH, if the boyfriend was Black and he called someone nigger, I bet my last money she would not have said a word.

White supremacy in blackface is acceptable, and in some cases (Stephen Obama)supported.

Anonymous said...

I admit it, I love advice columns and I had already read Prudie's answer to this question.

I can only add my thoughts from the vantage point of a white woman, that if I were with a white man who called my friends racial slurs, I would dump his ass immediately. I have dropped friends from my social calendar for this type of ridiculous behavior and I certainly wouldn't hesitate to kick a boyfriend to the curb for it.

I wonder if this issue is worth asking about for the Letter Writer, because she simply isn't sure whether or not it's normal for the word "nigger" to slip out of a white person's mouth. White people have always been pretty good at using tools like tears and distress to pressure people to accept ridiculous racist behavior as normal. Perhaps it's hard to see past the image of her boyfriend breaking down in tears to show "how sorry" he was, but she should know that whites, like other people, are capable of keeping ourselves in check and policing our language and behavior. Her boyfriend made a decision to say that to her friend, I agree with Mr. Chauncy that she should ask him why he did so. She has a right to be unforgiving if that's how she feels about it. Above all she has a right to trust her gut and her instincts about this guy.

I had to laugh about CNu's comments regarding the "universal male tendency to violence" and "male dominance". He seems to say that fighting is natural and admirable in men, and using racial slurs can therefore be natural and admirable in white men? Well, I disagree. Maybe his wife was really impressed by his decking a professional athlete "for her", but I wouldn't be. Violent tendencies are excusable and attractive in men only up until the point when women realize that same violence can be used against us. I've never dated a man who wanted to get in fights on my behalf. When it came right down to it, violent and angry men always seemed to carry a certain suggestion with them of, "you will always have to 'hold me back' from fights and worry about my health, and by the way, you could be my next target" Not Cool. Not saying CNu personally would do the same, but I stay away from men who seem to think violence is a good solution to interpersonal problems.

I guess this is a roundabout way of saying - is he willing to call your friend "nigger" in order to establish his racial dominance? Well he might be capable of calling you the same thing. Willing to use violence to establish masculine dominance? Can you be sure you won't have to spend your time validating, managing and soothing his anger, or maybe nursing a black eye of your own?

She'll always have to wonder what will slip out if she gets on his bad side, won't she. I wonder if that was his purpose in saying "nigger" in the first place.

CNu said...

I had to laugh about CNu's comments regarding the "universal male tendency to violence" and "male dominance". He seems to say that fighting is natural and admirable in men, and using racial slurs can therefore be natural and admirable in white men? Well, I disagree. Maybe his wife was really impressed by his decking a professional athlete "for her", but I wouldn't be.

lol, anonymous white woman laughed too soon and interpreted too shallowly..,

Violence IS natural to men, but by no means admirable.

Status seeking IS natural to men, but by no means admirable.

Sex seeking IS natural to men and make of that what you will...,

Fitting racial slurs into that culturally moderated instinctual panoply varies according to the cultural buffers/baffles/dampers in effect. Always and everywhere, however, the seriousness of these falls below the level of non-admirable sticks and stones.

That said, knocking the living phuk out of that arrogant athlete was all about my own vanity. That monkey made presumptions about his status relative to my own, I corrected those flawed assumptions by spontaneously reducing his status to that of victim. It wasn't a fight, I don't believe in "fights". I believe in "left for dead" in the swiftest, shortest, and most abrupt manner possible.

decking a professional athlete "for her"

That "for her" needs to be carefully unpacked. Boiled down to its fundaments, it was "for me" - and it was an objective assertion of sexual access prerogatives. (we've been married for 25 years - so I won)

I've never dated a man who wanted to get in fights on my behalf. When it came right down to it, violent and angry men always seemed to carry a certain suggestion with them of, "you will always have to 'hold me back' from fights and worry about my health, and by the way, you could be my next target"

Don't get into fights, don't get angry, wasn't particularly angry then. I was, however, offended - and I punished the offender in an appropriate manner commensurate with the vulgarity of his presumptions concerning both myself and the woman I wound up marrying.

He wasn't left for dead, I only used my fist, he was left incapacitated and humiliated by a mere mortal peasant.

Not saying CNu personally would do the same, but I stay away from men who seem to think violence is a good solution to interpersonal problems.

Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that violence is sometimes the ONLY solution available for a broad variety of interpersonal problems, almost all and always having to do with the status-seeking and violent tendencies of other males. It is what it is. You don't bring it, but when it presents itself, you handle it expeditiously and with maximum efficiency.

I guess this is a roundabout way of saying - is he willing to call your friend "nigger" in order to establish his racial dominance?

Since we've all been left to speculate, I'm guessing dood said or did something offensive, and boyfriend angrily erupted with a little harsh language because that's all he could muster at the moment.

Tom said...

If she were my daughter I'd recommend she bug out and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.




Tom said...

CNu your overall philosophy that asskicking speaks louder than complaining is obviously not something that can be discounted. Given the way history has gone so far, it's an in-play point of view.

But are you seriously suggesting you'd be ok with your daughter dating a guy who slings that word around?

Help us protect the human race's precious DNA. Weed these guys out now.

Anonymous said...

just a small response to the white-wannabe arab (who share the same animus towards people of african descents than their white counterparts) called Hurrikane El Swiss, about why whites , who unfortunately earn the heritage of slavery and racism towards black people can´t use the world Nigger and why it´s not the same when black people use it:

WHAT DOES THE WORD “NIGGER” REALLY MEAN?

One day the novel’s central character Joe Stubbs visited his friend Rev. Clifford Moore at his rectory on a business matter and learned that Rev. Moore on Wednesday nights at his church conducted a poetry and rap music workshop for young people in the neighborhood, which was so popular that there was a waiting list.


Then he told Joe Stubbs about a heavy discussion he’d had with the kids just last week. “Last Wednesday the combined class in the first hour had a good discussion about black artists using the word 'nigger' in their work. The discussion became fairly lively. In truth, it became very heated. One boy, a poet, believed like you, Joe, that the word when used by black folks is inherently self-hating and should never be used. A girl, a rapper, thought the word could be used if done responsibly. She believed it was all a matter of context. She was very level-headed about it. This led to a spirited discussion of the history of the word 'nigger' when applied to African Americans. The whole group agreed, and I think rightfully so, that the word was probably first used by white men in referring to black people in the slave trade. Always as master to slave. Always as human being to something less than human. Always used in a superior, ofttimes contemptuous way.”

Then he added, “For that reason the kids agreed unanimously that, in view of this history, there can never be a situation in which whites are justified in using the word 'nigger' when speaking to or about black people. Their cruel history in that regard bars them forever from using the word. Personally I think most decent white people realize this, which is why they now speak of the 'N' word so they won't have to go anywhere near the dreaded term nigger.”

Rev. Moore let out a big friendly chortle. “But with black people it's a totally different story. Over the centuries we have been forced to give the word 'nigger' a hundred different meanings. When a white slave owner said to a slave about another slave, ‘Go bring that lying nigger here,’ upon returning with the person summoned, the slave probably said to his white owner sadly, ‘Here's your nigger, Masta.’”

It´s The same word, but used in two vastly different ways. One with contempt, the other with regret. Likewise, when a black mother calls her children to come in for dinner, and says, ‘You little niggers march upstairs and wash your hands before sitting down at the table,’ the term is said with love and tenderness. When a young black woman says about a black man she finds attractive, ‘That's one good-looking nigger,’ it's a remark of aesthetic approval. When a black mother looks at the clock and sees the lateness of the hour and says, ‘I'm going to kill that nigger when he gets home,’ these are the words of a worried mother fearful of her teenage son's welfare. When a black member of the audience says to his friend sitting next to him, ‘That funny little nigger up there really cracks me up!’ he's bestowing praise on the black comic up on the stage. And when two black men square off in anger and one says, ‘Nigger, you better get out of my face!’ this signifies a danger that these two men are about to fight.”

The same word, with a hundred different meanings. Nothing more, nothing less. But when a white person uses that term, there’s only one meaning, and we all know what that meaning is.By discussing it in this way we see what a complicated word 'nigger' is, and how profound the responsibility is when a black person runs the risk and uses it in racially mixed company.

amelia said...

well said.That is why I stick with my black brothers I don't trust those white people.

Annoyed said...

The same thing just happened to me now, i'm very much contemplating ending what we have, there's so much 'love' can withstand

Hoffa jones said...

Haha as a black man i gotta say it was very disturbing to read that story kind of hurt but i dont feel srry for her at all ..so here what i dont understand bout some of my sisters outhere who claims that blackmen that are dating whitewomen are sell out or weak minded and such words but in the other hand giving the whitemen what we expected from them but wnna act rachet around us blackmen and bashing us when being with the white guy telling lies bout us to a man that dont even appreciate &love you as a girlfriend sum of u sister need to wake up im not even jaleous of a whiteman dating a sister i was just sayin lol i can imagine what this guy would say to his friends behind your back smh but im giving .u.credits for not scared to put this issue out there so that way sum of u sisters can learn from thati believe there is more sisters going through those type of situation but scared to.cum out ...thought shit was sweet ...shame on yall

Chelsea said...

I'm a white female & my boyfriend of 7 months is black. This is not my first interracial relationship & I do have a child with another man who is also black. What is new is the unnecessary racist bullshit I've had to deal with when it comes to this relationship. That said anything racist towards anyone is unnecessary! However I never had these problems with previous boyfriends. My current boyfriend, in my opinion, is racist. He calls me cracker, white devil, racist & everytime we argue he will bring up our race as it's a factor or reason to him why we are arguing. Everyone is "racist" to him (that's white anyway). I find this annoying that he adopts such a belief to deem everyone white racist when he & others in his family make racist remarks towards white people all the time. I wouldn't even use the phrase 'reverse racism' since it's an illogical one. racism is racism however you want to look at it. Whenever I'm around his family I feel uneasy because I know most of them don't like me because I'm WHITE! His sisters think he should stick with a black woman & his ex wife won't let his daughter come over to our home because I'm white. She is the first one who started calling me a white devil & then he would call me one when we would get into arguments over little things. & no he wasn't joking. I've never had to deal with this before in a relationship & when it's coming from a significant other it's hard. It's easier said than done to just dump him as I do love him. But I refuse to allow my daughter to grow up hearing such talk & thinking a certain race is evil or her mother is a white devil.