Monday, April 5, 2010

He's Back! Come Once More to the Church of James Brown and Confess Your Distaste for Things and Matters that All Black People are Deemed to Love

As we did last year, once more you can win some of our swag (legal stuff: only U.S. and Canadian residents--I will have some prizes for folks across the pond if they should win; and no P.O. boxes).

Courtesy of the good people at Hachette Book Group the best 3 confessionals will each receive the following 3 books (get it? 3 winners get 3 books each):

  • The autobiography FOXY by the and only Pam Grier
  • The health and wellness guide The Remedy by Supa Nova Slo
  • And Queen Latifah's book, Put on Your Crown

Oh he has come again. As I searched the darkest corners of the Internet well past my normal hour of sleep I heard a rhythmic tapping. At first I thought it was my neighbors engaged in furtive lovemaking. The rhythm became louder, more compelling, and familiar. It was then that a great light shined at me, blinding me with its power! No, it could not be. I knew that he had disappeared from his anointed crypt in the mortal world. Something told me that he walked the Earth once more. But could it be? It was not February. Black History Month had past. As my eyes adjusted I could see him. It was true! My vision was real! The Permed One had returned! James Brown, the patron Saint of our people stood before me. I bowed to him and he let me touch his magical robe. Brother James then spoke as only he could:

Go to the people and spread my word Brother Chauncey. It is not only during February that my church must exist, that negroes everywhere must be free to confess their secret shames and sins of black authenticity at all times. Once more, this is the time I have selected, this first week of April. For we have so much to share since Brother Obama has been elected. Present my word and spread it for now it is time to come together in community!

Shaken I stood forth and promised to follow through on his commandment. Once more, I bring to you the Church of James Brown and offer our space to confess your secret sins of those things respectable negroes pretend to like in the name of blackness but secretly loathe; those thoughts we keep to ourselves for fear of White folk hearing them; our secret anger and rage. Come unburden yourself my respectable negro friends and family.

In our sacred words:

"Oh most amazing James Brown, greatest of all negroes, I offer you my lies and secret shames. All these years I have yearned to share those things which I have pretended to like and adore in the name of being authentically Black. I cast my words into the wind so that you can take our secrets and make these shames unintelligible as you sing them for all time in your unique and spirited language."

As one of the elders of the Church of James Brown I shall offer myself as an example of humility and vulnerability as I send my words into the wind:

I, Chauncey DeVega, believe that Michelle Obama makes many questionable fashion choices, and has worn many an outfit that is both unflattering and unattractive.

I, Chauncey DeVega, think that the new Erykah Badu video is overrated (despite her "political" posturing, I find the video more compelling for her most wonderful booty than for any "message" she is trying to convey). And like the neo-soul "queen" Jill Scott, I am generally tired of self-important, black artists who appeal to the negro bohemian nouveau New Negro crowd.

I, Chauncey DeVega, am tired of racism chasers who find offense and a white boogie man behind every corner. Quite frankly, I don't care if black people were told to leave Walmart over the public announcement system, or if another raggedy often badly behaving negro was tasered by the cops while acting the fool. I am quite frankly exhausted.

Come my friends and unburden yourself!

***We are in day 2 of our revival and the church is slowly filling up. Are there are children who want to proclaim their faith in the Church of James Brown before the Permed One must go on to help other souls tomorrow? Come now and put forth your sins onto the wind!***


jacked UP jazz said...

Alright, I'll bite.

I jackedUPjazz does confess that I believe that there is something wrong with black culture (if there is such a thing).

Is the thing that passes for black culture a remnant of a legacy of bondage and subservience that 150 years out of slavery still shackles its victims?

The group mindset allows black folk to tolerate and reward mediocrity (or worse) when by nearly any measure black folk are far behind on the good stuff and way ahead on the bad stuff.

Sista Johnson couldn't carry a tune in a bag but yet she is on the choir cause de lawd knows her heart.

In the 21st century America we are still having to explain to heathens about why it is wrong to say smart black kids are "acting white".

A large percentage of black folk voted for B Rock, not because they understood how his policies might benefit them, but for no other reason than he was black.

Black folks are taking time off from their jobs to go to the schools to explain to the teachers that not only is their homework too hard but there is too much of it to boot. And little Johnny ain't got time to do all that after sports practice/part time job/music rehearsal/terrorizing the neighborhood.

I think I've said too much.

Lady Zora, Chauncey DeVega, and Gordon Gartrelle said...

She who goes first shall be rewarded. You have shown courage and fortitude. Spread wide your heroism and it will be rewarded ten fold.

Now, who will meet your challenge?


annum natalem said...

Godfather of the Soul and the Holy Ghost, forgive my sins. I couldn't tell you what Erykah Badu sounds like outside of this one Chapelle Show video I saw once. But I can tell you that, from what I've read, she's pretty all right.

I code switch with the greatest of ease, also. I'll do five Proud Marys (yeah, I know it's Ike and Tina, but you get the point) and remind the regular black women around me that they don't have to be Erykah Badu to be beautiful to me.

Unknown said...

i prostrate myself in front you, triumvirate of respectability to confess my soul....

i have pretended to like 'kente cloth' for ever when in fact i loathe offends my eyes and sensibilities... i find it one of the ugliest symbols of 'blackness' still in existence..
every time i see my 'right on sistahs and brothas' wearing a piece of this commercially produced nonsense i.gag..
i want to ask these kente loving brothas and sistahs why we never see real africans from real african countries on the real african continent wearing it? i never will.. i don't need to be sat listening to the third passage story accompanied by drums and incense for an hour... when i know it has nothing to do with this offensive cloth...

wooo sah...
i feel relieved of my burden... thank you for the opportunity to do this for 2010....
i hope i have not offended any of my fellow readers... none was intended..if you love your kente cloth do rag, scarf, trouser hems and knapkins... more power to you...

and mummy.. i still have the scarf/wrap thing you brought back from new york for me because you think my locs and kente cloth go hand in hand.. i have not destroyed or re-gifted it because it was a present and you delighted in giving it, however it shall never see the light of day upon my person... i.just.cant..

Lady Zora, Chauncey DeVega, and Gordon Gartrelle said...


The great permed one understands that we must honor our parents. The kente cloth is indeed one of the greatest examples of wickedness inflicted on our people. I bless you. Go forth and spread the word of the Church of James Brown so that others may come and be cleansed!

@Fictional. Like Marci, you too have been a follower for some time. As with Marci, with luck perhaps you could become a deaconess. You have committed the sin of not loving Badu as well. So sad. I sense you have other sadness to share---do so, so Brother James can send the pain off to the wind as only he can!

Chauncey DeVega

Anna Renee said...

Oh Great godFather of Soul--I bow down in a split with head touching my right knee to yOU! Father godFather, I confess my SINs to you O Black and Proud one! I kneel at your Goodfoot and confess to you, my dear knower of CRAZAY, but not karate, that I truly hate it when some KneeGrows act as tho they are above other kneeGrows, just because they may have gotten one of those edumacations, that I know you, yourself Father godFather, never did get nor needed. I confess that they make me want to pimp and bitch slap 'em!! And while I kneel before you in a cold sweat, I confess also that I nevah COULD unnerstand half of what yOU was sayin so loud, but I flowed with yOU father godFather because your rhythm section made me wanna get up offa that thang! I did shout in the appropriate places along side you and I pray that you can forgive me my trespasses, and not bring forth the holy Lickin' Stick for not fully receivin' your word of truf! I'm thankful for the super bad elders of this chuuch, who have allowed me to unburden myself at your holy goodfoot!

Anonymous said...

Forgive me for hating on all of Tyler Perry's movies in front of my white friends/educated black friends, but watching them in secret with my ghetto cousins, hoping no one catches me on that side of town.
Forgive me for doubting that Obama could pass the Healthcare bill as I was starting to believe the lies that were everywhere.
Forgive me for rolling my eyes at the sistahs at the bus stop with more than 3 kids, as I wonder to myself, dang, shouldn't at least one of your baby daddys have a car?
Forgive me also for being overly proud of not having a baby daddy, and wanting to make birth control mandatory for all welfare receipents.
And lastly, forgive me for knowing that if I can't find a decent black man to marry by the time I am 35, I will marry the white guy in IT who compliments me on my natural hair but is too shy to ask me out.

Sojourner said...

I confess that I have absolutely no desire to perform the Electric Slide or any related Slide group dances.
I further confess that Stevie Wonder and Michael Jackson are not musical geniuses. And Diddy & Jay-Z aren't either, no matter how rich they are.
I also confess to hating teas, luncheons, fashion shows, cotillions, pageants, candlelight vigils, and prayer breakfasts. I dislike preachers that scream at me for hours, shrieking gospel singers, shouting gospel choirs, and praise dancing.
And I don't like hip hop or rap; it's just noise to me.

chaunceydevega said...

@Anna--The Permed One hears and understands. His words are often incomprehensible...this is his genius for he speaks in many tongues.

@Anon--Oh my sister, your pain is deep. The good white man in IT is a good choice, for see the rainbow of love that the Permed One enjoyed throughout his life.

@Sojourner--My sister the Church of James Brown knows your pain. Especially that mess called praise dancing. The Permed One would never participate in such monstrosities. Go forth and spread our word far and wide!

Anonymous said...

I love this blog.

Danielle Scruggs said...

Okay, I'll bite too.

Oh Permed One, I have to confess I'm tired, tired, tired, of Black people who talk smack about things that "All Black people are supposed to love" because they think it makes them subversive and cool and Not Like Those Other Negroes Over There. I confess that I think they don't realize that it's kind of pointless to do all this since of course all Black people don't like the same things and we're all walking bundles of contradictions.

Hear my prayer, Godfather of Soul, Great-Uncle of Ca-Razy, in Jackie Wilson's Name.



I do, however, like this blog. Had to get that off my chest, though. :)

Anonymous said...

O Godfather of Soul and Funk...
I confess to having thrown up in my mouth a little when I see any community gathering with "Pan-Afrikan Holistic" in the title. It reeks of that try-hard blackness that makes my soul itch.

rikyrah said...

This is hilarious. I love this blog.

Professor said...

I am late to thy throne with my humble offering, Dearest Godfather of All Things Great, True, Wonderful, Greasy, Tight-as-Hell, and Sweaty. Will Thou forgive this poor, weak, quisling with a thread from the hem of Thine Great Cape??!

I loathe how Black folks get all low and lazy and lax because they see another Black person in charge. Stop showing your own ingested self-loathing and race-based thinking to the world.

I loathe Black male comedians who make fun of Black women. They are misogynists, unfunny, and the worst kind of punks. Pick on MEN, ya' weak assholes.

I loathe how Blacks wax nostalgic about horrific physical discipline received as a child that PRISONERS don't ever see. That ISH is not cute; your "caretakers" should've been brought up on charges.

Finally, Godfather? Might thine utter one of your unintelligible oaths of condemnation to Maceo re: Blacks who pretend that "keeping it real" means anything OTHER than "the lowest, vilest, slackest, triflingest, weakest, whackest B.S. right here for ya!"?

chaunceydevega said...

@Danielle--We do not condemn our critics. Remember soul is a man's world. You will come to the wisdom of Father James in this and all things! Praise you girl!

@Rikyrah--Oh sister of Jack and Jill! Oh watch out or we will have to get on the good foot with you! Praise do!

@Prof--you evoked Maceo. Good God! Be sure you are soon to be an elder in our church.


Professor said...

Godfatherest of All Godfathers: My brain is so weak in the face of your awesome Soul Power. Might I add one additional item to my earlier list?

I find The Root utterly low-rent and alarmingly weak. It is not journalism; it isn't even good blogging. FORGIVE ME, Godfather; perhaps I've sinned.

sjelly said...

Godfather, good God!father, I come to church late and in full split, to confess, to unburden my soul. Brother James, somebody help me! I am so sick and tired of Essence and their cult of the light-skinneded women masquerading as truly representative of all of blackdom. Why, why, can't I see some dark-skinneded women in this magazine for black women? It hurts my heart. Oh good God!father, I confess that I am more disappointed in President Obama (I still LOVE writing that, though) than I thought I would be. I knew he wasn't anything like a liberal, but I had so HOPED that he wouldn't pander to the Repulsives in the name of bipartisanship. Forgive me good God!father.

MotherlandBrotherman said...

Godfather of soul, bringer of funk, may your lightning feet trample my secret shames:

I only voted for Obama because I was not about to vote for a living corpse (sorry McCain). That and I knew he would never give a speech with the word 'misunderestimate' in it. I knew the slogan "Change we can believe in!" was a clever marketing gimmick yet I could not bring myself vote against him.

O Great one, I dislike most neo-soul artists save for a select few (Like D'Angelo, Van Hunt, Janelle Monae and maybe Raheem Devaughn). I find most of them to be like impersonators merely rehashing the styles of great singers of the past.