Sunday, February 17, 2008

Chauncey's World of Ghetto Nerds: Connecting the Dots--Spy Satellites and the Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse

As quoted in the Washington Post:

"There has to be another reason behind this," said Michael Krepon, co-founder of the Henry L. Stimson Center, a liberal arms-control advocacy organization. "In the history of the space age, there has not been a single human being who has been harmed by man-made objects falling from space."

No, downing this satellite isn't about deterring China because the U.S. has had anti-satellite weaponry for at least 30 plus years.

No, shooting down this satellite isn't about protecting the world (and the U.S. tax payer) from possible injury from satellite debris.

No, ordering the U.S. Navy to down U.S. 193 isn't because of the plutonium or the hydrazine carried by the satellite.

No, intercepting this satellite isn't to prevent the goodies and gadgets carried by U.S. 193 from getting into the hands of "evil-doers."

Wake up people--this is a real crisis.

The horrible truth:

The United States is downing this satellite because if it crashes into the Earth and unleashes its payload of toxic gas there will be an outbreak of the zombie undead:



My fellow citizens, at this moment we are standing at the precipice of our destruction.

We need to prepare. Me and my girl Zora have discussed at length why the ghetto underclass (and other city dwellers) is disproportionately at risk from attack by the undead. They live in areas with a high population concentration. They live in cities where one cannot legally own weapons. The State does not value their lives. Once the undead rise in Chicago, Los Angeles, Atlanta, New York, or Washington D.C. we are all doomed.

As Katrina made clear, The United States is horribly under prepared for a disaster of this magnitude. The Department of Homeland Security is underfunded and mired by ineffectual leadership. The U.S. military is forward deployed abroad and will not be able to render proper and timely assistance. The National Guard and Reserves are also overtaxed by deployments overseas. More importantly, the U.S. military has not developed a doctrine for fighting and containing a widespread zombie outbreak. Plans have long existed for urban pacification, but they will likely be ineffective against the zombie horde. As convincingly argued by World War Z, the expensive and high technology weapons systems favored by the U.S. military, weapons systems which are devastating against States and Armies, are next to useless against a horde of the undead--unfeeling, unstoppable, reanimated corpses, an unstoppable force of nature, a rising tide of destruction.

Folks, this is the real deal. These zombies don't dance like the ones in the Thriller video.

They don't run like hyperactive teenagers on crack. These Zombies will spread across the world exponentially, transforming the world of the living into the world of the dead.

The following is a short list of useful materials which should be consulted as essential resources:

1. Read The Zombie Survival Guide and also watch this handy video
2. Begin reading World War Z
3. Obtain a copy of The SAS Survival Guide
4. Consult the many resources available at The Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency

How should we fight the zombie outbreak? Should people evacuate or remain in their homes? If you are in a high rise building with adequate food and supplies should you ride out the zombie outbreak and wait until order is restored? Do you go to designated evacuation sites or avoid them because of the high risk of violence and the likelihood that the zombies will be attracted to large groups of people? What are your tips for survival?

I am going to consult the master George Romero on Tuesday by seeing his new zombie opus, Diary of the Dead. I will post a review on Wednesday which will feature more zombie survival tips. Anticipating the inevitable, El Presidente Bush has already held a press conference in preparation for the zombie outbreak:






4 comments:

D'Von LaBatt - Future Zombie Hunter said...

I read Mr. Chauncey's monograph with ever increasing dread. I fear that his assessment of the zombie dangers we in the urban areas increase is radically on point. I reside in Richmond, CA, a kind of American version of Kirkuk, Iraq, only with less of a linquistic divide between the Peacekeepers and the local population.

The fact that crack-heads, heroin addicts, and chronic'd out young dread heads are often indistinguishable with zombies in the early stages of decrepitude, will undoubtedly contribute to the raapid expansion of the zombie pandemic well before FEMA or the local PDs with be able to arrest the spread. I could see the Richmond-San Raphael bridge blown-up in order to stem the time of Afro-Zombies, Latino-Zombies, and poor-White trash zombies invading the well-to-do Marin county regions. That is unless the convicts and guards in San Quentin become zombified and spread out into the toney regions of Marin in search of organic-fed and kosher human brains to feast on.

If the Democratic machine finds recourse in using the super-delegates to rob Obama of his presidency, I could see Hillary releasing Zombie spores upon us to emasculate the hords of insane, white, liberals running amok when they suudenly realize that even the Dems are not above stealing an election (in this case, nomination) in order to further their ingrained and vested interests. I only hope that there will be enough of their white paternalism left inside their white zombie brains, enough white guilt that they will let a brother run the blockade.

I have 13 gallons of Evian water, $1000 Sakajawea dollars, a garbage bag full of Cliff bars, and several firearms in a secret compartment hidden in the drywall behind my leather sofa.

I really don't any faith that our government will be able to assist us - they can't keep the borders secure from illegal aliens as it is.

I do believe that what's good for zombies isn't necessarily good for Black people - and that includes Hillary.

Werner Herzog's Bear said...

I'll probably do like the characters in Shaun of the Dead and hole up in the local pub.

elle said...

in case of zombie infestation, the government should pay all that Iraq money,all 6 trillion, to Ash or Ving Rhames to lay the woopin on those zombie hordes, they know how to handle their shit.

Pug said...

Air in the bike tires... Short hair, tight clothes.