Monday, January 28, 2008

The We are Respectable Negroes News Roundup

It seems that January is the month of Obama. Don't despair, the world continued to turn, and for the less politically inclined among you I have 14 points of fun, mayhem, human depravity, and man-ape news to report.

But, we have to feed our Obama fever first.

1. Obama wins, no he dominates in South Carolina. As I pointed out in an earlier post, Obama did a Lamont Sanford on Hillary. Jesse won South Carolina in '84 and '88 so Obama's victory wasn't a total surprise. However, this victory will be remembered as the moment where Billy Clinton got his ghetto pass revoked. He hated on MLK, he cast the Obama campaign as being a "fairy tale," and accused Obama of playing "the race card" (whatever the hell that is--I think we need to do a whole post on non-sense statements such as this one). Billy Bob, as The New York Times and The Washington Post have suggested, you need to be reigned in lest you do more harm to ol' Hillary's campaign. Apparently, there are still some black folk who think Bill was right for having his wife's back. You know what, and please readers help me out with this one, am I the only person who is starting to suspect that Bill Clinton is maybe, just a little bit, jealous of Hillary? Could his foot in mouth syndrome be rooted in a little resentment for his wife? And now with the Chapaquitic/bootlegger/family dynasty of funky ol' dirty drawers wearing Marilyn Monroe lovers/Kennedy endorsement, Hillary and Bill are going for blood--I suspect Bro'Bama may eventually need to get his razor out for the big payback.

2. My boy Edwards may play the kingmaker. I sincerely hope that Edwards does well enough on Super Tuesday to hold up either Hillary or Obama in order to make sure that his platform is represented. Bob Novak, rumor monger extraordinaire is hinting that an Edwards-Obama deal is in the works where Edwards, in exchange for his support, becomes Attorney General in the Obama administration. Interesting prospect, but I think Bro'Bama may have to groom Edwards a bit for the position:

3. Osama's son wants peace. Apparently Osama Bin Laden wants peace as well. More interestingly, doesn't young Bin Laden look like a character out of The Matrix?

I can see it now, "My name is Olive Branch, you are all living in a digital simulation. This world you take to be 'real' is only a simulation. My father is not a 'terrorist,' no, he is your liberator, a man sent to wake you from your slumber. Please, come with me and be witness to the desert of the real." Readers, if you would like to join Junior Laden's peace crusade you must stop here and pick up some appropriately styled clothing.

4. I interrupt this news update to bring you a damn, dirty ape news update. It seems that one of these damn apes outperforms us upright walkers on tests of basic memory. If true, this test does give me some solace, because the ape's ability to retain simple information (in all likelihood to the exclusion of more complex data) explains the popularity of minstrel-hop and crap-rappers:

5. In other animal related news, researchers have developed technology which decodes the barking of dogs. Maybe researchers will apply this technology to develop a translator which will allow me to understand T.I., Young Jeezy, Lil Wayne, Soulja Boy and all those other shit-hoppers?

6. The devil was busy these last few weeks. A man throws his kids off a bridge. A man kills his girlfriend and cooks her up in a pot (collective sigh-Why did he have to be black? And why did she have to be white? Lord, I thought that was something "they" did?). A man cut off his hand and microwaved it because it was stained by "the mark of the beast;" a woman has killed her four children because they were "possessed" by demons; and there are ritualistic killings in a small town in Iowa. A crazy, hillbilly, The Hills Have Eyes type, is killing people out West while another nut case goes on a rampage with a chainsaw...damn, typing this stuff makes me scared to go outside. Final note: a mother cooks her baby in a microwave. We are indeed a society too sick to survive.

7. I love it when stupid people get their comeuppance because it makes that Middle School science lecture on natural selection seem so relevant. Case in point: don't get drunk and taunt lions, tigers, monkeys, or any other animal that can easily layeth the smackdown on your weak homosapien ass. For a summary, see The Darwin awards which "honors" folks whom have advanced the species by checking out early (my personal favorite is the couple who fell off the roof while having sex).

8. Speaking of stupid people, Presidente Bush went to the Holy Land and apparently had a moment of religious transcendence--no comment. As I have said these last few years, one of the great tragedies of the post 9-11 era is that Jesus freaks and Christian Nationalists are on a terminal collision course with a bunch of Islamo-fascists (here is one of my favorite interviews). Again, may we live in interesting times:

9. We have several shit-huffer awards to give out. Shit-huffer number one, the fool who got arrested for driving around during a Jena 6 march with a noose on his truck. Shit-huffer number two, the sports broadcaster who said that Tiger Woods should be lynched. Shit-huffer number three, Tiger Woods for saying it was a misunderstanding. Ohh,I forgot, Tiger isn't black he is a "mocha baby"/Canablasian so only 1/32nd of him should be offended.

10. Random news happenings. Holy Sand is apparently a drug. Oprah, my least favorite handerkerchief head is being reminded that she is black. Apparently, Oprah's viewers are upset that she has ostensibly "chosen" race over gender in supporting Obama for president. Ha Ha! Sacha Baron Cohen padded his pants for his role in Sweeney Todd. Thank goodness because after seeing Borat and then Sweeney Todd I was beginning to develop an inferiority complex. We have discovered a source of anti-matter (Scotty I need more power!) Astronomers have discovered a new blackhole of unimaginable denseness and mass at the heart of a quasar (doesn't that sound sexy?). Guess what the quasar's name is? OJ287..insert joke here.

11. The near shooting incident between Iranian speed boats and the U.S. Navy in The Straights of Hormuz may have been orchestrated by a prankster with the nom de guerre of "Filipino Monkey" (which takes Crank Yankers to a whole 'nother level doesn't it?). It could still have been a misunderstanding, or maybe a set-up, sort of like The Gulf of Tonkin incident which "provoked" The Vietnam War. In related news, researchers have documented how Bush and Company orchestrated a campaign of truth distortion prior to the 2nd gulf war. FYI, "truth distortion" is Neo-Con speak for lying. Did you know we will be in Iraq until at least 2012? Not a surprise to us respectable negroes and thinking people everywhere, but lest the unwashed masses (and many Republicans) be fooled again, we suggest that all citizens annually watch both The Fog of War and Eisenhower's prescient speech where he warns against the dangers presented by the military-industrial complex.

12. On a light note. Two kinky folk got their groove on and one of them is now dead. I am GGG, but I draw the line with putting electricity through nipple clamps 'cause it can kill folks. Next time, do it right. Shop at a reputable purveyor of kink, get the needed equipment, know your limits, and use a safe word. If you don't, your evening of sexcapades may end like this:

13. On a lighter note, Richard Simmons is nice to fat people. I sincerely believe this to be one of his best traits. Richard Simmons is also crazy, a phony, and a miserable soul with more money than God--grrhhh I am so jealous of him. Apparently, Richard lost it on The Today Show:

Random factoid: Richard Simmons was once a monger of exploding steam cooking machines:

14. Kwame Kilpatrick, the mayor of Detroit, is in big trouble. Apparently, he has been running his administration like a cross between Flavor of Love, 106 and Park, and We can do Better. Kwame's the "hip hop" mayor. He has strippers, parties, and security guards covering up his mess. Now, Kwame is caught creeping with his senior aid. It seems that Kilpatrick and his lover have exchanged 14,000 text messages over the course of a year, yes, 14,000. The rub of the story is that few of the text messages that have been released to the public are any good. I want some steamy, I am cheating on my wife, nasty and dirty text messages. For example, how about a few, "I am gonna come over and put you in the chicken wing girl;" "I want to put you in the camel clutch later tonight;" or "I am going to wear you out like a pair of shoes from Payless." In honor of our first hip hop mayor, a mayor by the name of Kwame, I present a classic cut from the original Kwame (see it makes sense in the end):

It seems Kwame thought he was a smooth operator:

But, Kwame may have just played himself:

Till next time, this has been your We are Respectable Negroes News Roundup