Thursday, February 14, 2008

Chauncey DeVega's Secret Valentine's Day Crush--The Indomitable Alexyss Tylor

I have a confession to make. All of my life I have searched for my equal--the yin to my yang; the sign to my cosine; the She-ra to my He-man--and I think I have found her. Ohh, the internet masses discovered her long ago. As an internet celebrity she has been blogged about, link-shared, and freely tossed about--her five minutes of fame (perhaps) long gone. But not to me. She is wise beyond years. She is a sexual dynamo. And she has the wisdom of a Tantric Yogi. Some have told me that my love is tainted, that somehow my love for this woman is doomed by her madness. They are wrong. For all of these reasons and many more, I proudly declare Alexyss Tylor, the prophet of vagina power, to be my Valentine's Day Crush.

Behold the wisdom of Alexyss Tylor, wisdom made more clear by my helpful annotations--

A Vagina Power Instructional Lesson:

:04--Ladies, if you really want to earn your man you need to learn your man. This is profound. In an era of Oprah, and a post 2nd wave feminism cottage industry where all that is wrong in relationships is apparently rooted in men's shortcomings, my girl is urging women to have some agency and to think about how they are treating the men in the lives! Bravo!

:10--Alexyss has introduced a key phrase, "penis power," say it again with me, "penis power."

:48--The man who is living to ejaculate is in a predator mode. Again, Alexyss is on point. Here, she is speaking directly to socio-biology and the argument that men, because of their never ending supply of sperm (and men's ability to reproduce throughout the life cycle), are natural predators. Men as a species can't help but want to share their love.

:59--Cold vaginas. No comment, it must be a circulation problem.

1:24-1:41--Different vaginas have different g-spots and some women have more than one. I envy these blessed women. More seriously, Alexyss is trying to educate the public, and women in particular, about their bodies. Women have a g-spot, and clitoris. In fact, many women also have what some researchers have now labeled as the "A spot." Alexyss's openness is a service to the public, and especially to the women of The United States of America. According to many polls, there remains a woefully low level of information and awareness regarding sex, sexual health, and even basic anatomy, among men and women. Add in some puritanical religious baggage, and include some ass backwards dogma (like that offered by "the promise keepers" and the "abstinence only" crowds) and we have a very limited space for adult conversations regarding sex, pleasure, and health. Hell, things are so bad that Oprah and Tyra are being praised because of their "courage" to talk about "vajayjays." Alexyss, please keep speaking vagina truth to vagina power.

2:20--The Rabbit. An extremely popular sex toy which was popularized by the television show Sex and the City. The design has evolved over the years, so be sure to do some thorough shopping before you make a purchase. I don't know of one woman who has purchased The Rabbit and has not been MORE than pleased.

2:24--We are living in the 21st century. Notice the wonderful relationship between Alexyss and her mother. Mom is suspicious of The Rabbit because she is a Luddite--I suggest that mom needs to embrace technology and not fear it.

2:28-2:45--Some men they have so much heat and intensity in their penis that you can feel it radiating through their clothes and to just touch their feels like it is on fire...some women go crazy...not all penises are created equally. This is another health issue which Alexyss is bravely bringing to the forefront of the public's awareness. As always, Alexyss is on firm ground because the practices of Tantric Sex (and its emphasis on the exothermic relationship between the lingam and yoni) would suggest that there are some powerful forces at work when a man and a woman link their bodies together in hot monkey love. The public needs to be made aware of the risks posed by hot and fiery penises. I wonder how many accidental deaths are caused by these fiery organs? I would wager that many cases of spontaneous human combustion are in fact caused by exploding, hot penises. As a tax payer, I demand a government investigation! I strongly urge Ralph Nader and 60 Minutes to do an expose on the danger of these over-heating penises.

3:20--We have to deal with our attachments. We have to separate the love, the orgasm, and the penis, they are separate issues. Preach on sister Alexyss, women (and men) need to heed your advice.

4:48--Don't let every man hit the bottom of your vagina, the root of the vagina. Trust me, they don't know about the bottom. Mom and Alexyss are on point again (notice how Alexyss's mother offers both reinforcement and clarification). Alexyss is pointing to the psycho-sexual dynamic wherein deep penetration for many women generates intense pleasure. Specifically, Alexyss is referring to the sensations that many women feel when their G-spot and/or cervix is stimulated. As a proponent of Tantra, Alexyss is also alluding to the energy which resides in the Kundalini as a root chakra. Be forewarned, the Kundalini is a powerful chakra and should not be stimulated unless both couples are prepared for the energy which will be released (its sort of like the arc of the covenant). This pleasure is rapturous, but also very frightening to many couples because of the intense emotional and physical bonding which it can create. Alexyss, when are you going to write your own version of The Joy of Sex?

5:38-5:59--Her mind, she insane, her mind ain't good because the penis done ejaculated all in her brain, she gone crazy...that woman is being seduced, she is being seduced, he is breaking her down man, he is screwing her into submission, he's screwing her into slavery by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down and her defenses, and she is wide open, when a penis is all up in your vagina you don't have no defenses. There are some scholars whom would argue that the arms race during The Cold War was at its root about the penis, and that ultimately, the race to make bigger and "better" nuclear weapons was the product of a phallocentric obsession. In other words, the U.S.-Soviet arms race was a horse pissing contest. Damn Alexyss, you never cease to amaze me! You are an organic intellectual with an amazing range of knowledge. I have to ask: are you single?

7:48--I don't have Phd's and Master's Degrees to put on my wall in academia, but I have a Master's degree in being played by men, used by men, told everything I wanted to hear...I am very upset by being made a fool out of. Alexyss you are no fool. Alexyss you are a gift to all of us. And yes, I think you have a Phd in human sexuality and love.

8:37--All this power coming at you then a girl ain't got a chance and so I am gonna have to stay prayed up...I've got to keep standing in the Lord. Mom is traditional and confident in her beliefs. She is afraid of "lust demons." But mom, please don't have such fear (a fear which is common among so many sexually repressed people) because this fear, once you transcend it, will lead you to act madly, possessed by your no longer repressed energies, and unable to control your desires. Seek your daughter's counsel and and you will be free, happy, healthy, and energized.


Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

I wasn't blogging back when you wrote this, but I'm glad for the link Zora's post today. Never heard of this lady but she was tight, no pun intended ;) and I liked your responses to her.

Vee (Scratch) said...

She's hilarious . . . but I ain't going to lie, I'll smash.